Welcome to THE FINAL FIGHT OF THE FIRST ROUND OF Cocky & Rude Fight Club! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll introduce our fighters. We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
ERIC CARTMAN
AKA / Alias / Nicknames: Mr. Cartmanez, The Coon First Appearance: December 1992 in the short, Jesus vs. Frosty Place of Birth: South Park, Colorado Nationality: American Hair Color: brown Current Residence: South Park, Colorado Relationship Status: single Religion: Roman Catholic Occupations (current and/or past): Student, occasional politcian, occasional musician, occasional vigilante Height & Weight: a lot (he’s big boned and has used Weight Gain 3000), Favorite song: possibly Styx, Come Sail Away Favorite Food: Pot Pies, Cheesy Poofs Common Attire: Red shirt, brown pants, black shoes, blue and yellow winter hat Most Hated: Jews, Hippies, Gingers Known for: Cartman once murdered the parents of his nemisis (Scott Tenorman, a ginger), ground them up into chili, and fed them to him. Catch Phrases: “Shut up you stupid Jew,” “Respect my authority,” “No kitty that’s a bad kitty!” and “Screw you guys. I’m going home” Claim to Fame: Many have tried to kill Eric Cartman, but although he is frequently caprtured or abducted, he continues to thrive on the stupidity of the masses. Favorite curse word: Shit, Fuck
Voiced by Trey Parker, Cartman is an overweight, immature, spoiled, outspoken, lazy, foul-mouthed, mean-spirited, racist, sexist, anti-semitic, sociopathic, narcissistic, and ill-tempered third- then fourth-grader living with his mother in the fictional town of South Park, Colorado, where he routinely has extraordinary experiences not typical of conventional small-town life. Cartman is one of the most popular characters on the show and has remained one of the most recognizable television characters ever since South Park became a hit during its first season. Parker and Stone describe the character as “a little Archie Bunker”, and state that he is their favorite character, and the one with whom they most identify. During its fifteen seasons, South Park has received both praise and criticism for Cartman’s tendency to be politically incorrect and shockingly profane. Prominent publications and television channels have included Cartman on their lists of the most iconic television and cartoon characters of all time. Eric Cartman’s secret weapons include: the utter lack of a conscious, the drive to do and get anything he wants, and uncompromising hatred towards anything that crosses him.
ADAM
AKA / Alias / Nicknames: Adam-Shmadam, Sully, Gingy Date of Birth: July 5th, 1980 Place of Birth: Somerville, NJ Nationality: American Mutt Hair Color: reddish blondish brownish Current Residence: Ringoes, NJ Relationship Status: dating Mr. Sombrero Religion: atheist Occupations (current and/or past): graphic artist, retail, receptionist, mail room clerk, library page Height & Weight: more and more every day, 6ft Favorite song: The Beatles, While My Guitar Gently Weeps Favorite Food: anything vegan and delicious Common Attire: plaid, flip flops Most Hated: Racists, The R-Word, Pickles, Mustard Known for: thinking vaginas and penises are gross Catch Phrases: “Craig has a small penis” Claim to Fame: Prolific blogger, has never made a mistake in his life Favorite curse word: “Goddamn Mother Fucker!”
Everyone’s favorite blogger (no, not Craig) is finally ready to fight. After 17 Cocky & Rude Fight Club bouts, the ringleader is stepping into his ring. Here’s his story… Adam was born a little over 31 years ago to rich, famous and well-connected parents. But his luck quickly ran out when he was accidentally swapped by an inattentive hospital worker. Thus he was given to a family of more average fortunes. In his new family, he became a middle child, starved for attention at all times. A public school education left him feeling empty and unfulfilled, as did college. He stumbled into a career of graphic arts, where he excels but is rarely appreciated. Almost by accident, he created Cocky & Rude, where his true potential has been so perfectly realized. Adam is a master of poop jokes, silliness, grossness, games, quizzes and urine photography. Adam’s secret weapons include the great powers of plaid, his loyal (and psychotic) Spring, an army of ceramic garden gnomes, a red Honda Fit, and a urine-soaked digital camera.
Who will win in the battle of ERIC CARTMAN vs. ADAM? Will Cartman defeat Adam with his hatred of gingers and hippies? Or will Adam use his plaid shirts and cocky and rude attitude to conquer Cartman? There’s only one rational way to decide which fighter will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to Michelle M. for your assistance with this post!
It’s Thursday, and you know what that means … it’s time for another edition of everyone’s favorite weight loss competition: Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2! This week we’ve invited Lindsay Lohan along for the ride! It’s a true honor to have superstar Ms. Lohan with us today because she might be going to jail very soon. This week Lindsay asked each of the players how they’re feeling and if they’re sick of the competition. Here’s what they had to say…
Adam: I’m not sick of this contest, actually just the opposite! I’m finally almost over my cold from last week, and I’m ready to kick some ass. I’ve had a itch to exercise, so I might actually get off my ass once or twice in the next week. I hope that I don’t get voted off this week, cuz I don’t wanna lose (yet)!
Fdot:
1. There once was a boy named FDot.
Every week he lost weight on the spot.
But to type up a blurb,
Every week was absurd.
So this time he thought he would not.
2. So a poem he would write in its stead,
Then go eat a sandwich without any bread.
But he wishes he could choose
That for the weight to lose
He could go eat some Hershey’s instead.
Jere: Fuck me. After working until 11pm yesterday, I had to be at school an hour early today to make up for one of our snow days. That means 3 solid hours of Income Tax law. There is nothing about exceptions to the deductibility of interest on loans under section 62 of the tax code that should be spoken of prior to my morning coffee. I’m pretty sure my professor was just making up words for about 15 minutes. Amortization? Like I’m going to believe that’s a thing. Anyway, yeah, so I got out of that class and went straight to the gym where the cute guys look away uncomfortably when they catch me staring at them. And in the middle of my run, I notice a banner at the bottom of CNN on the screen attached to the treadmill next to me “Obama Announces Administration will No Longer Defend Marriage Act.” Well, I almost fell off my fucking treadmill as I scrambled to plug my earphones into the gym machine and figure out which channel was CNN. Then, as they started going on and on about Libya again, I noticed that I was going to be late to my table time for my job as a rep for one of the bar preparation companies, so I barely had time to shower and eat lunch (literally) on the run back to school. Then I finished up my shift at the table with about 60 minutes to completely rewrite my direct examination of this witness for our trial advocacy competition and I’m getting fucking sassed on Facebook because I haven’t sent in my blurb. Bitchez.
Mr. Sombrero: Ay ay ay… I LOVE this competition for keeping us motivated and the fact that everyone, well most are doing such a good job. The weight loss progress for me is slow (damn you oreos!) but consistent (yay zumba!). Tuesdays are really good, because all that nagging about having to submit the blurbs and weigh yourself the next day stops me from eating junk food.
Mush: I don’t hate this competition. In fact, it’s good for me. Dieting is boring and hard and it sucks, but it’s much better to suffer with others. I don’t know if my last remaining shred of self-discipline will survive the end of the contest. Without Adam and Mikey bitching at me every Wednesday to WAKE UP and WEIGH MYSELF ALREADY, I don’t know that I’d bother to do either. Counting calories has become second nature to me, but all I want to do lately is EAT MORE. My twelve hundred calorie days are over, replaced with fifteen hundred calorie days. Which is probably where I’m supposed to me for the entire rest of my life. GACK.
Paul: I love this competition! I feel great, one day this week I ate some stuff I shouldn’t have and felt so bad after and realized that I had felt that bad most of the time. I have lost 3 inches off my waist and will soon be in need of new clothes, well ok, just start wearing the clothes I had before I started packing it on. By the time I reach my goal weight I will be wearing parachute pants and a Members Only jacket.
Ryan: I’m still loving this competition. I been managing to lose weight steadily without making myself miserable. I plan to keep this up even after the competition is over. However, I worry about this next week. Going to a conference this weekend means that I will be eating out a lot without access to my tracking tools to help me stay on course.
And now, this week’s results:
And now, like every week it’s time to eliminate a player. Here’s how it works: just like American Idol, you vote for the team that you want to save. The team with the least votes will be eliminated. Polls close around Noon (EST) on Saturday.
Lindsay says, “Congratulations to everyone!”
Don’t forget to vote, and feel free to discuss this week’s results in the comments!
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s game-changer week! This week, all contestants will leave their teams behind and start playing as individuals. And until the end of the contest, on each elimination, we’ll only say goodbye to one player. This week we asked each of our contestants how they’re feeling now that they’ve dropped the dead weight of their ex-teammate. Here’s what they had to say:
(Oh, and I apologize for the lack of graphics. Most of the contestants didn’t submit them and I am too ill to make them myself this week. Blerg!) (But Mikey wasn’t…so he took to MS Paint and created some photos for everyone) Adam: Mr. Sombrero! Where is my Mr. Sombrero!? I Miss Youuuu! While it’s sad to see all of our partners go, this is the week that will which of the teammates have been working harder. And while I know that I’ll place a little higher than my beloved boyfriend, I also know that I haven’t been trying hard enough. Candy, cookies, soft pretzels = they’re all still on the menu. But not any longer! And as soon as I get over this nasty gold (*cough* *sneeze* *uuuggghhhh*), I’m going to double down and beat you all! FDot: Thank Goodness. I don’t think I could have taken another week with my partner. The phone calls asking me for my calorie count for the day. The text messages about watching out for saturated fats. The emails about who was the best Doctor Who villain. It was like living in a police state. I was scared to go outside for fear that a spy camera was waiting to snap a picture of me eating a Tootsie Roll. I can now finally eat a Pringle without fear of reprisal. And for the record, I need 4000 calories a day to maintain my current levels of machismo; saturated fats are what makes food taste good; and the Zygons. Jere:“Sometimes I wonder where I’ve been / Who I am / Do I fit in. / Make believin’ is hard alone, / Out here on my own / We’re always provin’ who we are / Always reachin’ for the / risin’ star / To guide me far / And shine me home / Out here on my own / When I’m down and feelin’ blue / I close my eyes so I can be with you / Oh, baby, be strong for me / Baby, belong to me / Help me through / Help me need you / Until the morning sun appears / Making light of all my fears / I dry the tears / I’ve never shown / Out here on my own / When I’m down and feelin’ blue / I close my eyes so I can be with you / Oh, baby, be strong for me / Baby, belong to me / Help me through / Help me need you / Sometimes I wonder where I’ve been / Who I am / Do I fit in / I may not win / But I can’t be thrown / Out here on my own / On my own.”
Mr. Sombrero: Well now that Mr. Gingy and I are no longer a team, I am sure I have no chance of winning this thing. He already left me in the dust. And to get a head start, last week he gave me a ton of chocolates and candy (cleverly cloaked as a v-day gift) hoping that I would gain all the weight back. Sneaky, sneaky… However, I was saved by another lesson of Zumba and was able to actually lose weight from the last weigh-in. Just not sure if it’ll be enough to keep me in the game. Aaaaaaand…. 1, 2, 3, 4… get your booty off the floor…
Mush: I’m proud and pleased to announce that the water weight has gone! I’m back in the game! I was super freaked when I got on the scale last week and had gained 5 pounds of water, because until it went away I didn’t know it was water, did I? No, I didn’t. I had to spend a week thinking that maybe I was just getting fat for no reason! LOSING MY PARTNER WILL SUCK. The best part of this contest has been having an awesome teammate who was really into the competition and who has been trying really hard to reach his goal. I’m not looking forward to being split up at all and I hate it. If I don’t win I want Ryan to win! Paul: I will miss being on a team with FDot in ways that cannot be described, he is the creator of our team name and a wonderful person. We have never been up for elimination and even though he has been eating parts of himself he has been losing weight. Now that I’m on my own I’m going to win this contest, too bad there aren’t any prizes, I will need some new clothes. My doctor has said that I need to lose 25% of my body weight, all you skinny bitches could only hope to do that through amputation. Watch out, I have only just begun! Polt: Hmm, well, since I’m the dead weight on our team, I think you should ask Jere how it feels to be rid of me. But now that we’re separate, all of Jere’s hard work carrying me will become evident. Now I’ll have to lay off the deep fried butter sticks cause Jere won’t be there to mask it. Ryan: I’m going to miss being partnered with Mush. We somehow managed to anti-correlate our weight loss so that when I was slow she would pick up her pace and the other way around. Now that we are apart, I shall spend my days metabolically pushing my food away and wandering the cliffs at night. How will I lose weight now?
How did our contestants do this week? It’s time to find out!
And now, like every week it’s time to eliminate a player. Here’s how it works: just like American Idol, you vote for the team that you want to save. The team with the least votes will be eliminated. Polls close around Noon (EST) on Saturday.
Welcome to THE FINAL FIGHT OF THE FIRST ROUND OF Cocky & Rude Fight Club! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll introduce our fighters. We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
are doing such a good job. The weight loss progress for me is slow (damn you oreos!) but consistent (yay zumba!). Tuesdays are really good, because all that nagging about having to submit the blurbs and weigh yourself the next day stops me from eating junk food. 
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