Welcome to THE FINAL FIGHT OF THE FIRST ROUND OF Cocky & Rude Fight Club! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll introduce our fighters. We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
AKA / Alias / Nicknames: Mr. Cartmanez, The Coon First Appearance: December 1992 in the short, Jesus vs. Frosty Place of Birth: South Park, Colorado Nationality: American Hair Color: brown Current Residence: South Park, Colorado Relationship Status: single Religion: Roman Catholic Occupations (current and/or past): Student, occasional politcian, occasional musician, occasional vigilante Height & Weight: a lot (he’s big boned and has used Weight Gain 3000), Favorite song: possibly Styx, Come Sail Away Favorite Food: Pot Pies, Cheesy Poofs Common Attire: Red shirt, brown pants, black shoes, blue and yellow winter hat Most Hated: Jews, Hippies, Gingers Known for: Cartman once murdered the parents of his nemisis (Scott Tenorman, a ginger), ground them up into chili, and fed them to him. Catch Phrases: “Shut up you stupid Jew,” “Respect my authority,” “No kitty that’s a bad kitty!” and “Screw you guys. I’m going home” Claim to Fame: Many have tried to kill Eric Cartman, but although he is frequently caprtured or abducted, he continues to thrive on the stupidity of the masses. Favorite curse word: Shit, Fuck
Voiced by Trey Parker, Cartman is an overweight, immature, spoiled, outspoken, lazy, foul-mouthed, mean-spirited, racist, sexist, anti-semitic, sociopathic, narcissistic, and ill-tempered third- then fourth-grader living with his mother in the fictional town of South Park, Colorado, where he routinely has extraordinary experiences not typical of conventional small-town life. Cartman is one of the most popular characters on the show and has remained one of the most recognizable television characters ever since South Park became a hit during its first season. Parker and Stone describe the character as “a little Archie Bunker”, and state that he is their favorite character, and the one with whom they most identify. During its fifteen seasons, South Park has received both praise and criticism for Cartman’s tendency to be politically incorrect and shockingly profane. Prominent publications and television channels have included Cartman on their lists of the most iconic television and cartoon characters of all time. Eric Cartman’s secret weapons include: the utter lack of a conscious, the drive to do and get anything he wants, and uncompromising hatred towards anything that crosses him.
AKA / Alias / Nicknames: Adam-Shmadam, Sully, Gingy Date of Birth: July 5th, 1980 Place of Birth: Somerville, NJ Nationality: American Mutt Hair Color: reddish blondish brownish Current Residence: Ringoes, NJ Relationship Status: dating Mr. Sombrero Religion: atheist Occupations (current and/or past): graphic artist, retail, receptionist, mail room clerk, library page Height & Weight: more and more every day, 6ft Favorite song: The Beatles, While My Guitar Gently Weeps Favorite Food: anything vegan and delicious Common Attire: plaid, flip flops Most Hated: Racists, The R-Word, Pickles, Mustard Known for: thinking vaginas and penises are gross Catch Phrases: “Craig has a small penis” Claim to Fame: Prolific blogger, has never made a mistake in his life Favorite curse word: “Goddamn Mother Fucker!”
Everyone’s favorite blogger (no, not Craig) is finally ready to fight. After 17 Cocky & Rude Fight Club bouts, the ringleader is stepping into his ring. Here’s his story… Adam was born a little over 31 years ago to rich, famous and well-connected parents. But his luck quickly ran out when he was accidentally swapped by an inattentive hospital worker. Thus he was given to a family of more average fortunes. In his new family, he became a middle child, starved for attention at all times. A public school education left him feeling empty and unfulfilled, as did college. He stumbled into a career of graphic arts, where he excels but is rarely appreciated. Almost by accident, he created Cocky & Rude, where his true potential has been so perfectly realized. Adam is a master of poop jokes, silliness, grossness, games, quizzes and urine photography. Adam’s secret weapons include the great powers of plaid, his loyal (and psychotic) Spring, an army of ceramic garden gnomes, a red Honda Fit, and a urine-soaked digital camera.
Who will win in the battle of ERIC CARTMAN vs. ADAM? Will Cartman defeat Adam with his hatred of gingers and hippies? Or will Adam use his plaid shirts and cocky and rude attitude to conquer Cartman? There’s only one rational way to decide which fighter will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to Michelle M. for your assistance with this post!
Details are sketchy as to where Mikey has disappeared to this week. We’ve been told that he’s on vacation, but very little else. In attempt to fill in a number of story gaps that don’t really exist in the first place, I will draw sweeping conclusions based on almost nothing (tweets, facebook statuses and my own sick imagination):
He may be in Mexico by now.
Adam Carolla: Get up in that.
It all startedwhen Mikey crossed the border into Delaware on August 14th at 9:10am. From there he “entered Maryland!” at 11:05am. Less than an hour later, he tweeted: “And Virginia welcomes us!!!” At 3:26pm, he was in North Carolina. Then at 6:54, he tweeted: “Holla! We’re in Corolla!” At this point, I’m assuming that he was hanging out with Ellen Degeneres (because she’s the only person on Earth that still says “Holla!”) and that Mikey and/or Ellen was “inside” (sexually) Adam Carolla. I’m picturing a filthy gang bang, and I’m sorry — it’s not a pretty picture.
From there, I made the fatal mistake of commenting: “Your tweets/statuses are boring. Please make them better.” Suddenly, his tweets about sexual exploits and interstate travel stopped. I have quickly imagined a globe in my mind, and have scientifically determined that Mikey may be in Mexico by now. Or maybe even Brazil. After all, he left us 5 days ago and we have yet to determine the end point of his travels.
Where ever he is, they have theme days at the beach.
I don't care what you say anymore, this is my beach.
Where ever Mikey’s vacation stopped, there is a beach. And on this beach, they have musical theme days. On Tuesday at 9:31am, we read: “Yes! It’s Michael Jackson day at the beach!” On Wednesday at 10:30am, we were asked: “Who’s ready for Billy Joel day at the beach?” to which he answered, “This guy!” A quick Google search leads me to believe that this beach must be in a remote location because there are no beaches on the Internet that advertise musical theme days. One can only imagine which other classic rock icons are celebrating their own theme days. The Beatles? Neil Diamond? Kris Kross?
He may be balding.
Skin cancer can kill, so one must always remember to wear sunblock. For gingers like myself, I suggest an SPF of about 30 million. For Mikey, I suggest at least an SPF of 30. For most guys (like myself) who sport a thick head of hair, it’s not really necessary to apply sunblock to the scalp. The hair simply shades my scalp from the unrelenting sun beams. But for Mikey, who announced “I got sunburn on my scalp!” via Facebook status at 5:33pm on Monday, a hairy head may not have been enough. It’s easy to surmise the obvious: since he left us, Mikey has gone completely bald. Further, his scalp probably now looks like overcooked vegan bacon.
He’s feeding on nothing but cheese balls, alcohol and Nutella.
A typical lunch.
Although photographic evidence of cheese ball consumption is all that our team of Cocky & Rude investigative reporters have been able to get their hands on, we have first-hand evidence of more. In yesterday’s Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser update, Mikey claimed to be consuming “tons of yummy food” and as many as “4,000 cheese balls, 7 bottles of wine, and a cup of Nutella.” Later tweets have mentioned “Watermelon Martinis.” Lots of binging and no tweets about purging can only mean one thing: after his gluttonous vacation, Mikey is a shoe-in for the BC&RL placing of Rudest Loser.
Seriously, who eats a "cup" of Nutella?
Further, his rampant hash tagging, misspellings and poor grammar can only mean one thing: he’s completely drunk. Watch out, people of Mexico and beyond! A drunk Mikey has come to town, and it’s only a matter of time before he strips naked and jumps into your swimming pool.
I beg you, people of Brazil, send Mikey back to us. We need to reintroduce him to well-rounded vegan meals! We need to send him to AA! We need to fit him with hair plugs, extensions and novelty toupees! We need to lather him in sunscreen! We need him to start blogging again, because goddammit, I’m tired! Mikey, come back to us!
Note: In the event that Mikey doesn’t return, I’ve already begun to court his replacement.
Have you noticed that Adam is the Most Awesomest? Well today he got even awesomer! I KNOW! I didn’t think it was possible either! But it is true! Today is Adam’s birthday, which is a huge cause for celebration round these parts, because I know the world would not be the same if he weren’t in it. Also this is a big birthday for Adam because he is no longer in his twenties! Being 30 is a big deal! Adam can’t get away with some of the crazy things he pulled when he was younger.
Take this video that Adam sent me a while back. Clearly he and Spring were up all night drinking whatever they drink and chewing on catnip when this was produced. Just look at the two of them! Adam would never be able to pull this off now that he is 30.
Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!
Getting that from Adam obviously made me realize how truly awesome he was! There are some things we do need to take into account when evaluating Adam’s awesome quotient. For example, did you know that Adam has never seen Dirty Dancing! Not once! This makes him highly unique, which is a plus 5 on the awesome scale, but slightly out of touch with our generation, which is a negative 1 on that same scale. In the end, he gets plus 4 awesome points for not knowing that Iron Man did not play Baby in the movie. I know this for a fact as when I sent him the clip below, he exclaimed “Oh my, I had no idea Iron Man was into guys and could dance so well! *swoon*”
After I spent an hour explaining that Jennifer Grey was in the movie rather than Iron Man, I just gave up. He refused to see the movie and he refused to accept the truth. If you ever here Adam say something about wanting to dance with Iron Man it’s best to just go with the flow.
Adam may not know the work of Patrick Swayze inside and out, but the man is still the awesomest Adam there ever was. But what do you get a man like this? How can any gift compete with the already amazingness that already exists? Well it took me a while, but I finally came up with it. I made Adam his very own superhero. Ladies and Gentlemen, prepare your eyes for the crudely drawn yet always debonair GAY GINGER CRUSADER!
The Gay Ginger Crusader fights homophobia and gingerphobia all over the world! His glasses give him super-eyesight and alert him to atrocities facing gay gingers everywhere! During battle, GGC shoots rainbow colored Chinese throwing stars at homophobes. Since the GGC is a vegan, the stars don’t kill the homophobes but rather turn them gay. If a non-homophobe is struck by the stars, they have amazing orgasms. In the end everyone is happy!
I can honestly say that no one else I know deserves their own superhero more than Adam! I hope you have an amazing 30th birthday, Adam!!!
If you haven’t noticed, Adam has been on vacation. His comments and preprepared posts aside his presence has been sorely missed on the blog. More than that he has been like completely MIA in all the other places too. Well to be honest he was online every day or so, but that is just not enough for those of use who need our daily dose of Adam. I may tease and joke about Adam on the blog, but I must tell you that when he is not around I feel a a hole in my life. I will attempt to outline the things I miss about Adam below. This is in no way a finite list of all things great and awesome about him.
1) Adam is a ginger. I may joke about Gingers being evil or something, but in reality they are awesome. I love gingers. I wish I was one.
2) Adam is from New Jersey. Although Adam’s vacation didn’t take him outside of the state of New Jersey, I think we should all note that his awesome is related to his being from that state. New Jersey often gets a bum rep (some of which it deserves), but it has produced some awesome people. Adam is one of them.
3) Adam likes cats. Although I have previously indicated my affinity to cats, I like that Adam likes them. If he like the musical Cats things would be different. However, he likes the animals so I can put this in the plus column. Adam takes care of his own cat and others during his volunteer days at a shelter. This is wonderful.
4) Adam and I get into ridiculous arguments over silly pop culture stuff. THIS IS FANTASTIC. Adam and I can have a completely meaningless conversation about a completely irrelevant person. It is great. He often loves the people I hate and vice versa.
There are many more wonderful things about Adam to explore, but I am too tired to think about them right now. What are some great things you like about Adam? Tell us in the comments!
I’m sad! Adam is going on vacation for an entire week, which leaves me without a co-blogger and a best friend! Whatever will I do???? Oh wait, Adam already wrote a bunch of posts for me to use at will. Fear not! We shall read his thoughts again! But that doesn’t solve the best friend thing.
Before Adam went to the beach, he asked me to take a look at some of the articles of clothing he was planning on bringing along. He wanted to make sure he had an appropriate mix of items so that he could be prepared for all kinds of things to arise.
Adam’s first look was chosen for everyday use. This elegant blue number works for just lounging around at home and for a quick trip to Wawa for snacks! Plus no need to pack dental floss for this trip. Score!
Next is Adam’s choice in formal beach attire. Nothing says glamor and sophistication like a long sash extending from your penis and wrapped around your leg. All he has to do is pair it with a Zorro mask and he is ready for a night in paradise.
As a deathly pale ginger, Adam loves to get sun. He’s not happy unless he has skin cancer by the end of his vacation. Keeping this in mind, Adam selected several skimpy numbers for the beach. This one comes with a very convenient pocket right over the junk. The beach isn’t the beach unless you have your keys getting you all hot and bothered.
Adam is not the kind of guy to get tied down to one swim suit. The pocket number might be what he wants to wear while sunning himself, but it is not the kind of thing you would wear when building sand castles or hunting for sea shells. No sir! You need this fabulous strappy number for those kinds of activities.
After all the complicated crossing and tying associated with that last number, Adam decided to go with the most simple suit he could find. For him that was this one legged thong thing. He plans on using this one during surfing.
I hope you approve of all the items Adam chose for his trip cuz it is too late for him to find anything more risqué! I don’t know that the company that created these numbers, Vizeau, had anything slutty enough for date night, but I guess he could just go naked.
PS Can you believe Adam modeled for all of these photos????