Last Tuesday Harry and I went with our friends D. and S. to see Conan. Check in was in the ground level of a parking garage at 1:30. Notice my nails – I painted them orange for the occasion.
After we got our tickets we had time to kill until they took us to the studio at 3:00. The garage was freaking cold, so we left to find something to eat. We found a place called Henry’s Hat not too far away. The Conan staff took my camera, so here is recreation of my lunch: a Mai Tai in a tiki glass and breakfast potatoes.
Back at the garage we were led in groups (I have never seen so many f*cking hipsters in one place) to the studio. We walked across the street and then wound our way through the various sound stages to the Conan holding pens. I thought it was funny to muse out loud if random people we passed were famous. After the 30th time it was still hilarious. To me. Or maybe it was the Mai Tai talking. Anyway, imagine my excitement when I spotted Johnny Galecki (of The Big Bang Theory and one of my favorite shows, Roseanne)! He was on his cell phone and wearing a blue shirt! “It’s David Galecki!” I said excitedly (I was thinking of his character on Roseanne).
Brad, the guy in charge of our group confirmed that it was, indeed Johnny Galecki. Not one minute later an Asian guy passed by. “Hey, that guy’s famous!” I said. I didn’t know his name, but he looked like the guy from Entourage. Brad said he was on Community and Ugly Betty. So I said I’d Google him when I got home.
I don’t know what the hell Brad was talking about. It was totally Rex Lee from Entourage and Suburgatory (A show I watch!). Besides, Suburgatory films there, we passed right by their trailers and wardrobe racks. Whatever, Brad. We also passed by Chuck Lorre’s parking space and the Harry’s Law soundstage. How awesome would it have been to see Kathy Bates?! After a brief wait in the holding pens, we finally made it into the studio.
We were in the 7th row. Yay! Out of 9 rows. Boo!
The set looked so much smaller in real life. Some dude came out to warm up the audience and tell us to clap when the “applause” sign lit up. Then the band came out. They were awesome! First, La Bamba sang a song.
Then Mark Pender (the bald guy) sang a song. It kind of sounded like “Jump, Jive and Wail”, but it wasn’t. Anyway, they were fantastic.
Then the most boring Conan show ever taped started. Conan came out and did his monologue. He did his little jump, but no string dance. It was their one year anniversary, but you wouldn’t have known it from the show. They did nothing special to mark the occasion – no skit, no confetti, nothing. Maybe they were tired from the New York trip. He did do a funny sign bit with a guy in one of the front rows (to sit in the front rows you had to get there at 9:30).
Andy did a bit about fall foliage. Um, I adore Andy, but it wasn’t that funny. I’m going to blame the writers.
There was also a peanut players skit about Herman Cain. It was kinda meh. I think the Depardieu one from August was hilarious. Here’s that one.
The first guest was Julie Bowen. I love Modern Family, but she bugs me. Oh – we just watched Horrible Bosses last night – it was cute and funny and I would recommend it. She was in that. Oh well, at least she had some energy.
Her son made a turkey. It was the most interesting guest on the show.
Next up was a snowboarder. God, he was dull.
My mind wandered off halfway through the interview.
Then a comedienne (?) came out. She had a baby voice and made weird faces. She spoke too softly so we couldn’t make out a lot of what she was saying. That night when we watched the show on tv we were able to confirm that she was lame and not funny.
Then it was over, but before Conan left the stage he sang a sweet little goodbye song to the audience.
Outside it was dark and we made our way back to the garage. We passed my new friend Brad who called out to me to remember to Google that guy. Which I did. Brad, you need to watch more tv. On the way home we stopped at the Downey Brewery where I had a Lambic Frambois and some onion rings. God, I ate nothing healthy that day.
Harry had a sausage party.
Back on the road we went in the wrong direction for about half an hour, because we’re awesome like that. Despite the lackluster show, we had a great time and hope to see Conan again in the future.
The next day I had some homemade yellow split pea soup and a big salad to make up for the delicious crap I ate the day before.
Welcome to THE FINAL FIGHT OF THE FIRST ROUND OF Cocky & Rude Fight Club! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll introduce our fighters. We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
ERIC CARTMAN
AKA / Alias / Nicknames: Mr. Cartmanez, The Coon First Appearance: December 1992 in the short, Jesus vs. Frosty Place of Birth: South Park, Colorado Nationality: American Hair Color: brown Current Residence: South Park, Colorado Relationship Status: single Religion: Roman Catholic Occupations (current and/or past): Student, occasional politcian, occasional musician, occasional vigilante Height & Weight: a lot (he’s big boned and has used Weight Gain 3000), Favorite song: possibly Styx, Come Sail Away Favorite Food: Pot Pies, Cheesy Poofs Common Attire: Red shirt, brown pants, black shoes, blue and yellow winter hat Most Hated: Jews, Hippies, Gingers Known for: Cartman once murdered the parents of his nemisis (Scott Tenorman, a ginger), ground them up into chili, and fed them to him. Catch Phrases: “Shut up you stupid Jew,” “Respect my authority,” “No kitty that’s a bad kitty!” and “Screw you guys. I’m going home” Claim to Fame: Many have tried to kill Eric Cartman, but although he is frequently caprtured or abducted, he continues to thrive on the stupidity of the masses. Favorite curse word: Shit, Fuck
Voiced by Trey Parker, Cartman is an overweight, immature, spoiled, outspoken, lazy, foul-mouthed, mean-spirited, racist, sexist, anti-semitic, sociopathic, narcissistic, and ill-tempered third- then fourth-grader living with his mother in the fictional town of South Park, Colorado, where he routinely has extraordinary experiences not typical of conventional small-town life. Cartman is one of the most popular characters on the show and has remained one of the most recognizable television characters ever since South Park became a hit during its first season. Parker and Stone describe the character as “a little Archie Bunker”, and state that he is their favorite character, and the one with whom they most identify. During its fifteen seasons, South Park has received both praise and criticism for Cartman’s tendency to be politically incorrect and shockingly profane. Prominent publications and television channels have included Cartman on their lists of the most iconic television and cartoon characters of all time. Eric Cartman’s secret weapons include: the utter lack of a conscious, the drive to do and get anything he wants, and uncompromising hatred towards anything that crosses him.
ADAM
AKA / Alias / Nicknames: Adam-Shmadam, Sully, Gingy Date of Birth: July 5th, 1980 Place of Birth: Somerville, NJ Nationality: American Mutt Hair Color: reddish blondish brownish Current Residence: Ringoes, NJ Relationship Status: dating Mr. Sombrero Religion: atheist Occupations (current and/or past): graphic artist, retail, receptionist, mail room clerk, library page Height & Weight: more and more every day, 6ft Favorite song: The Beatles, While My Guitar Gently Weeps Favorite Food: anything vegan and delicious Common Attire: plaid, flip flops Most Hated: Racists, The R-Word, Pickles, Mustard Known for: thinking vaginas and penises are gross Catch Phrases: “Craig has a small penis” Claim to Fame: Prolific blogger, has never made a mistake in his life Favorite curse word: “Goddamn Mother Fucker!”
Everyone’s favorite blogger (no, not Craig) is finally ready to fight. After 17 Cocky & Rude Fight Club bouts, the ringleader is stepping into his ring. Here’s his story… Adam was born a little over 31 years ago to rich, famous and well-connected parents. But his luck quickly ran out when he was accidentally swapped by an inattentive hospital worker. Thus he was given to a family of more average fortunes. In his new family, he became a middle child, starved for attention at all times. A public school education left him feeling empty and unfulfilled, as did college. He stumbled into a career of graphic arts, where he excels but is rarely appreciated. Almost by accident, he created Cocky & Rude, where his true potential has been so perfectly realized. Adam is a master of poop jokes, silliness, grossness, games, quizzes and urine photography. Adam’s secret weapons include the great powers of plaid, his loyal (and psychotic) Spring, an army of ceramic garden gnomes, a red Honda Fit, and a urine-soaked digital camera.
Who will win in the battle of ERIC CARTMAN vs. ADAM? Will Cartman defeat Adam with his hatred of gingers and hippies? Or will Adam use his plaid shirts and cocky and rude attitude to conquer Cartman? There’s only one rational way to decide which fighter will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to Michelle M. for your assistance with this post!
Have you ever daydreamed about being a famous star? Money, adulation, magazine covers, swag, critical acclaim, limos, red carpets, awards, casting couches, stalkers, plastic surgery, paparazzi, rehab – it all sounds so glamorous! But all this means nothing unless you’re invited to appear on Inside the Actor’s Studio. Well, just in case you hit it big and have to face James Lipton and his enormous stack of blue index cards, you should be prepared. So I asked you to answer the questions* that are always asked at the end of the show. Here are your answers:
*The questionnaire concept was originated by French personality Bernard Pivot, after the Proust questionnaire.
What is your favorite word?
Tam: Passel Mark: Anthrax (love the syllables) David G.: Door. I couldn’t possibly tell you why. Polt: Eighteen…cause then, all the boys are legal : ). Craig: Nevertheless Jere: Petunia Mel: Most days it’s “fuck”. Adam: Chuckle Michelle M.: Silver John: Cookie VUBOQ: Martini Mikey: Dinner Nathan: Loquacious FDot: Flibbertigibbet Enrico: Arboretic The Kid: Disrupting or fabulous Paul: Hello Ryan: Superfluous
What is your least favorite word?
Tam: The c-word. Can’t write it. HATE IT. Mark: like (when not used as a verb) David G.: Urinal. I can’t even type it without feeling icky. Polt: I dont know sweetie…work? Boss? Gone? Yeah, Gone may be it, not for the word itself so much, but for what it can entail. Craig: Macabre Jere: Labia Mel: Monetize Adam: The r-word Michelle M.: Ma’am John: Familiarity VUBOQ: Ironical Mikey: Exercise Nathan: lol FDot: maybe Enrico: The three-letter f word The Kid: Moist Paul: Discharge Ryan: Marketable
What turns you on?
Tam: Humour Mark: Intelligence David G.: A really good kiss. Polt: Younger guys. Asians. Hairthings. Younger Asian guys with hairthings! Oh, and Craiggers in a purple speedo. (did you really need to ask me this question?) : ) Craig: Chest hair Jere: Feeling sexy in someone else’s eyes. Mel: Nice eyes Adam: Laughter Michelle M.: A sense of humor John: Intelligence (and a hot ass). VUBOQ: This may be weird, but the smell of some soaps on guys. Colognes, not so much. Mikey: Honesty and a sense of humor Nathan: Suits FDot: Chocolate Enrico: Intelligence The Kid: A man in a suit Paul: Bondage Ryan: Short hair
What turns you off?
Tam: Bigotry Mark: Loud brash voices David G.: A really bad kiss. Polt: Attitude. Someone who thinks they are more than they are or better than they are. Yeah, that’s a deal breaker right there. Craig: Long fingernails Jere: Lots of things, but I’ll start with the use of any body fluid used for sexytime other than semen. Mel: Bad breath Adam: when I’m taken for granted. Michelle M.: Ignorance John: Arrogance VUBOQ: Feet Mikey: Liars and bad smells Nathan: Facial hair! FDot: Annoying people Enrico: Close-mindedness The Kid: Dreadlocks Paul: Sweat dripping in my eyes Ryan: Smart phone addiction
What sound or noise do you love?
Tam: Wind in the trees rustling the leaves (not the willows) Mark: A sustained note on a slightly distorted electric guitar David G: When Typo (one of my cats) meows and yawns at the same time. Polt: Honestly, a kid laughing! Whether it’s a baby giggling or a 7 year old laughing as he chases his brother. Always makes me smile. Craig: The woods Jere: Wind and rain outside my window Mel: The foghorn on our local lighthouse Adam: Cat’s purr Michelle M.: A beautiful piece of music John: Baby sneezes VUBOQ: The crunching sound made when I’m walking through fallen Autumn leaves Mikey: Air conditioning…humming and white noisy Nathan: Bassoon! If that’s cheating, than the noise that the wind makes when it rustles the trees. FDot: Ocean waves at night Enrico: Adele’s voice The Kid: Food sizzling Paul: Rain falling on the roof of the house Ryan: Male vocals harmonizing well
What sound or noise do you hate?
Tam: The sound of a spoon stirring liquefied ice-cream – instant gag reflex Mark: A child chorus, singing slightly off-key David G.: Any (and I do mean ANY) repetitive sound. It just grates on my brain. Polt: My alarm in the morning! Craig: Screaming children Jere: Saturday morning labor (lawnmowing, construction, etc., before noon) Mel: Motorcycles drowning out the foghorn Adam: My alarm clock Michelle M.: My alarm clock John: The alarm clock VUBOQ: Cardboard being cut Mikey: Nails on a chalkboard or fire alarms Nathan: The bird outside my window when I’m trying to sleep. FDot: Fingernails on a chalkboard Enrico: The sound of a bird’s beak as it attacks my window (every morning at 5am!) The Kid: Mosquitos buzzing Paul: Fran Drescher Ryan: Squishy sploochy sounds
What is your favorite curse word?
Tam: Fuck Mark: “Oh MAN!” (Once we had our first child, Heather and I trained ourselves not to curse, and it mostly has worked.) David G.: Fuck. It is the most versatile word in the English language, after all. Polt: Fuck. Although if I’m around polite company, I generally just use shit. And if *I* did something stupid, then it’s a hearty “Oh fuck ME!” Craig: God damn it! Jere: Justin Bieber’s Hairless Scrote! Mel: See #1 Adam: fuck Michelle M.: f*ck! John: Fuck VUBOQ: fork Mikey: tit-wank (thank you Catherine Tate) Nathan: You Gosh Darn C*** FDot: Goddamnmotherfuckingsonofabitch Enrico: Avada Kedavra The Kid: Firetruck Paul: Cunt Ryan: Bollocks
What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Tam: Ballerina Mark: Pro hockey (but I can’t even skate) David G: Realtor. Polt: Custom condom fitter? No seriously, if I had my pick, it would be a comic book writer. Craig: Teacher Jere: Playwright Mel: Writing Adam: I’d work for Ikea, assembling furniture for displays Michelle M.: Billionaire John: Artist VUBOQ: Professional Potter Mikey: Filmmaker…I aspire to be Christopher Nolan Nathan: Novelist FDot: Screenwriting Enrico: Personal assistant to a celebrity (maybe Kina or Jojo) The Kid: Uhh. I’m not employed, but being an astronaut would be fun. Paul: Professional sugar daddy Ryan: Economist
What profession would you not like to do?
Tam: Sewer cleaning Mark: Restauranteur David G.: Anything from the show Dirty Jobs. Polt: Anything that makes me to physical labor outside, especially in the summer. Oh and anything involving heights! Craig: Call center Jere: Surgeon Mel: Auto sales Adam: Sales Michelle M.: Soldier John: Lawyer VUBOQ: Anything to do with sewers or plumbing. Mikey: Cess Pool serviceperson (see above re: smells) Nathan: Anything where you just stand around and don’t actually DO anything. FDot: Farmer Enrico: Dentist The Kid: Eww. A fisherman or exterminator. Paul: Boy of professional sugar daddy Ryan:Academic post-doc
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
Tam: “Juan and Felipe have your cocktails over there on the left by the pool. Have a nice stay.” Mark: “Meow…prrrr.” David G.: Girl, you just barely made it. Polt: What I’d LIKE to hear him say is, “Welcome.” But what he’ll probably say is, “Huh? You? recheck the list!” : ) Craig: “You were a nice person, welcome.” Jere: “Look, I’m as surprised as you are that I exist, and I know I’ve got a lot to apologize for…” Mel: “I’m awfully me-damned happy to see you. These other angels are so! fucking! boring!” Adam: You were right all along, I don’t exist! Michelle M.: Relax. It’s all good – come on in! John: We’ve been waiting for you. VUBOQ: “This way to the Martini Lounge.” Mikey: You sure tried to piss me off, didn’t you? Nathan: Welcome? FDot: Your family is over there. Enrico: “Ke$ha is waiting inside for you.” The Kid: “Follow the white rabbit” Paul: “Your afterlifetime supply of Entenmann’s and young power bottoms are waiting for you.” Ryan:You weren’t nearly as selfish as you worried you were.
Need to waste some time at work? Here is a Vanity Fair Proust questionnaire you can take to see which celebrity you have the most in common with. Mine were Barbara Walters and Kirk Douglas.
Over the Memorial Day weekend, Mr. Sombrero and I ventured to the great city of Philadelphia.
Here’s a quick look at some of the fun we had…
Our first stop was Eastern State Penitentiary. “Eastern State Penitentiary was once the most famous and expensive prison in the world, but stands today in ruin, a haunting world of crumbling cellblocks and empty guard towers. Known for its grand architecture and strict discipline, this was the world’s first true ‘penitentiary,’ a prison designed to inspire penitence, or true regret, in the hearts of convicts. Its vaulted, sky-lit cells once held many of America’s most notorious criminals, including bank robber ‘Slick Willie’ Sutton and Al Capone.”
You can walk through most of the crumbling prison, occasionally accompanied by your audio tour guide, Steve Buscemi. Above is a look down one of the two-story cell blocks.
Lots of the cells are crumbling away…
But some of them have been restored enough for you to go inside. Don’t I look like I’m working on a movie set or something with all the crap that’s hanging around my neck?
And here’s Al Capone’s jail cell — which was more luxurious than any other cell in the entire prison.
Across the street is a big metal fountain. Here’s a photo of me pretending that I’m not burning my ass off on hot metal back of this deer.
Here’s Mr. Sombrero getting up close and personal with a bear.
And here I am getting my arm bitten off by a ferocious metal alligator.
Later that day, we checked out Philadelphia’s China Town. Here’s the famous Friendship Gate. I defied death and stood in the middle of the street to take this photo.
The next day we checked out this big old bell with a crack in it. I think it’s famous or something.
Here’s some doofus in front of the bell.
Here’s Mr. Sombrero look’n too cool fer school.
And here’s that doofus again, hanging out with Elvis.
Mr. Sombrero and I had a fun weekend in Philly, but it was way too quick!
I hope you enjoyed this peek into our vacation.
If you’re like me, your family is a snore. They’re normal, average people. None of them have ever been on TV or in a movie. They’re just … normal. So why not imagine a new family of celebrities? Here’s fantasy family of famous people:
Mom: Brothers & Sisters’ Sally Field She’s fun, she’s crazy, she’s the world’s greatest mom. Plus she’s rich and owns a giant house with a pool. She’s liberal, loves the gays and is just plain kind in every possible way. She’d laugh at my jokes, fund me when I decided to quit my dumb job, cook me giant vegan meals and organize parties for me and all of my bloggy friends.
Dad: Roseanne’s John Goodman John Goodman has to be the best TV dad ever. Every time I watch Roseanne, I’m struck by just how great he is. He’s caring, committed, and at that size, the guy must give a great hug. Plus, he’s helluva funny. And if he ever finishes building the boat in his garage, we could go sailing! (But not fishing, cuz I don’t do that.)
Sister: Six Feet Under’s Lauren Ambrose She’s the sister I’ve always wanted. And she’s a ginger, so we might even look related! Plus, I’m sure she could tell me some great stories. She’s had boyfriends that had foot fetishes, boyfriends that turned out to be gay, and boyfriends that are Jeremy Sisto and Chris Messina. Yum! Plus she’s done a crap load of drugs, so she could help me [safely] raise my purity number.
Brother: United States of Tara’s Keir Gilchrist He’s smart, adorkable, and who doesn’t want a gay little brother? I’m sure he could teach me a thing or two about style, and he’d gladly help Sally Field, I mean mom, out in the kitchen. He’s emotional kid … and would probably benefit from a John Goodman hug as well. I’d also love to see his interaction with our aunt:
Aunt: Gilmore Girls’ Lauren Graham Who doesn’t love Lauren Graham? She’s wacky, beautiful, and can bounce pop culture references off you faster than Joshrico. Lauren would be the perfect aunt. She’d love to stay up late with me, noshing on junk food and watching silly movies (like one of my favorites: Good Burger!). And how cool would it be to get free nights in her inn?
Grandma: Betty White in real life
Okay this is an easy one. Who wouldn’t pick Betty White to be their grandmother? Think of Thanksgiving dinner with Betty White at the table. She’d have the whole family laughing so hard that we’d barely be able to eat our Tofurkey! She’s probably the coolest old lady on the planet, so of course she’d be my fantasy grandma!
Grandpa: The Cosby Show’s Bill Cosby Now let’s set aside the fact that the whole ‘race’ thing wouldn’t make any sense. Bill Cosby would be the perfect grandpa. He’d always be there teach you life lessons, to dance with his face, make you laugh, or to keep you company when you needed someone to listen. And hell, the guy’s been dressing like a grandpa for his whole life — those are some snazzy sweaters!
The Family Pet: Mad About You’s Murray I surprised even myself with this pick. True, I’ve always been more a ‘cat guy’, but Murray was always my favorite. That dog was hilarious! He was always a little … dim, as he chased around invisible mice. But regardless of the species, I love animals with personality. And since Spring isn’t famous, then Murray will do!
Oh, and if you hadn’t already guessed, we’d all be vegan — except Murray. Yay!
Mom, Dad, three kids (including me!), a fun aunt, a set of awesome grandparents and a dog! It’s the perfect fantasy family of famous people. I couldn’t ask for a better bunch! Could you? What’s your fantasy family of famous people? Tell me all about ‘em in the comments!
Welcome to THE FINAL FIGHT OF THE FIRST ROUND OF Cocky & Rude Fight Club! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll introduce our fighters. We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
Our first stop was 
You can walk through most of the crumbling prison, occasionally accompanied by your audio tour guide, Steve Buscemi. Above is a look down one of the two-story cell blocks.
Lots of the cells are crumbling away…
But some of them have been restored enough for you to go inside. Don’t I look like I’m working on a movie set or something with all the crap that’s hanging around my neck?
And here’s Al Capone’s jail cell — which was more luxurious than any other cell in the entire prison.
After being released from the Penitentiary, we walked over to the 
Across the street is a big metal fountain. Here’s a photo of me pretending that I’m not burning my ass off on hot metal back of this deer.
Here’s Mr. Sombrero getting up close and personal with a bear.
And here I am getting my arm bitten off by a ferocious metal alligator.
Later that day, we checked out Philadelphia’s China Town. Here’s the famous Friendship Gate. I defied death and stood in the middle of the street to take this photo.
The next day we checked out this big old bell with a crack in it. I think 
Here’s some doofus in front of the bell.
Here’s Mr. Sombrero look’n too cool fer school.
And here’s that doofus again, hanging out with Elvis.
Mom: Brothers & Sisters’ Sally Field
Dad: Roseanne’s John Goodman
Sister: Six Feet Under’s Lauren Ambrose
Brother: United States of Tara’s Keir Gilchrist
Aunt: Gilmore Girls’ Lauren Graham
Grandma: Betty White in real life
Grandpa: The Cosby Show’s Bill Cosby
The Family Pet: Mad About You’s Murray
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