Welcome to the 5th week of Biggest C&R Loser 2013! This year we’ll be keeping all of the results and placings secret until the end of the contest. We’ll also be pooling our cash to award the 2013 winner the largest prize we’ve ever awarded … a whopping $40! This week’s theme is “WHAT DO YOU MISS THE MOST?” — Our contestants have accomplished nearly an entire month of dieting. What do they miss the most? Foods? Laziness? Here’s what they had to say:
I miss the sense of abandon I had before this all started. When I felt like getting dessert, I got dessert. Now…when I eat anything at all I have a philosophical argument with myself that would make Kant proud. The upside could be the successful publication of my treatise called the Metaphysics of Eating.
I wish I was able to stick to the healthy stuff. All the stress eating, which sometimes I’m not aware it’s even taking place until I’m done, is not helping. What I miss is having time to exercise… and being lazy.
This month, I’ve done an excellent job of not eating any fast food. I might not have been perfect so far, but that’s something!
So, after a month of dieting, I have to list what I miss the most. hmm, how about losing weight? I do miss doing that, since I’m not losing any. Course, if I actually tried to diet and exercise more, that may not be an issue. Nah, let me think…what do I miss most? How about my $5. God knows, the way I’m going, I’m never gonna see that money again.
I miss mindlessly stuffing my trap without thinking about, just rating what I want because I want it. More or less. However of um going to win this damn contest I need to step up my game.
I found one last candy cane this morning, stashed in a coat pocket. I saved it… and devoured it on the drive home from work. Now that they’re gone I miss them, even if they were spearmint instead of peppermint. And more generally, I miss the holidays, the weeks of planning for festive meals filled with family, fun, and comfort foods. But hey, Valentine’s Day is coming up, and our tradition is no gifts but a really nice dinner cooked at home. So that’s something to look forward to!
I miss NOT feeling guilty before I eat cookies. And I also miss the cookie that I just ate. I want another one!
What do I miss the most? Well, since I haven’t started dieting or exercising, I would have to say, nothing 
.
Once again I tossed C&R’s Friday Five out to the C&Rmy, and here’s what threw back.
It’s your Friday Five!
Booze Cruise! The fourth annual family booze cruise is tonight! And since my family actually gets along really well it’s always a lot of fun! It combines all of lifes greatest pleasures. Food! Booze! Old people dancing to Lady Gaga! Here’s a picture from last year. It was raining and we were all soaked by the end of the night, but we still had a great time! -Craig
Ummm my new blog post feat. Michelle M., Adam and Polt is great. -Enrico
Christian Bale Is At Your Party -Kristen
What made my week? Being mentioned TWICE in one C&R post: My name was uttered by a cute twinkie and my ass had a $100 bill sticking out of it. What could make ANY week better than that? -Polt
Scary Smash: The first episode of Written by a Kid. A kid’s monster story is brought to life by some people you might recognize. -Ryan
Watering my lawn. We came home from vacation and our front lawn is absolutely dead. We are in a drought situation here and the lawns are brown, brown, brown. Weirdly my fanatical neighbour (we share a tiny front lawn) has not been watering it. We have no water shortage so the city has actually started asking people to water their lawns so if there is fire there is less dry grass to go up. So last night I bought a new hose and today my landlord replaced my spigot in the garage and I watered my grass so if I keep it up every day I’ll have new green grass soon. I hope.
Honest to god, it looks like the grass on the left but with a smattering of green weeds. -Tam
Now that I’m all caught up with Breaking Bad (sadness), I need something new to fill the empty hours of my existence. Harry and I just started watching Dexter. We’re almost done with Season 1. So far it’s been entertaining. Here’s a quiz to find out which Dexter character you are. My results were Vince (which I don’t agree with – but, whatever). -Michelle
Today is National HIV Testing Day 2012! NHTD was founded in 1995 to spread the message of ‘Take the Test, Take Control’ across the country. Have you ever been tested for HIV? Let’s find out.
The rules are simple: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.
1. Have you ever worn an AIDS Awareness pin or red ribbon?
2. Have you ever been tested or checked for an STD?
3. Have you ever been anonymously tested for HIV?
4. Have you ever been tested by your family doctor for HIV?
5. Have you ever encouraged a friend to be tested for HIV?
6. Have you ever gone with a friend to get tested for HIV?
7. Have you ever encouraged a sexual partner to be tested for HIV?
8. Have you ever gone with a sexual partner to get tested for HIV?
9. Have you ever had a partner ask you to get an HIV test?
10. Have you ever dated someone who tested positive for HIV?
11. Have you ever stopped dating someone because they tested positive for HIV?
12. Have you ever refused to have protected sexual relations with a partner until they were tested for HIV?
13. Have you ever refused to have unprotected sexual relations with a partner until they were tested for HIV?
14. Have you ever had protected sex with someone whose HIV status you didn’t know?
15. Have you ever had unprotected sex with someone whose HIV status you didn’t know?
16. Have you ever had sexual relations with someone you knew was HIV+?
17. Have you ever had sexual relations with someone you later found out was HIV+?
18. Have you ever been concerned that you had HIV based upon banal symptoms (common cold, or something)?
19. Have you ever had an HIV scare? (You thought that you might test positive)
20. Have you ever had a false positive HIV test?
21. Have you ever been tested positive for HIV?
22. Have you ever had a friend or family member who is HIV+?
23. Have you ever lost a friend or family member to an AIDS related illness?
24. Have you ever lost a (current or former) partner to an AIDS related illness?
25. Have you ever played Adventures in Sex City to learn more about sexual health?
Find out more about the National HIV Testing Day 2012 at NAPWA.org.
Thanks to Craig & Mikey for your help with this post!
Did you hear the news?! Andy Cohen, Bravo’s Executive Vice-President of Original Programming and Development has been FIRED!* My sources say that it was something to do with his smarmy attitude, giant teeth and lazy eye. I guess that people just couldn’t stand him anymore! In his absence, the Bravo Television Network has hired ME to develop a whole new slate of reality programming for the network. And who better to star in my new reality shows, than all my friends? Behold, Bravo’s new season of shows:
Mikey’s Getting Married! – A show that follows Mikey and Jeopardy! Champion Ty as they plan their nuptials. Episodes will focus on each detail of the wedding planning process, including an episode where their Save The Date card goes through 18 revisions before it is ready to send. The first season will culminate with a wedding, and season two will be retitled: Mikey’s Ever After.
Queen of Smut – This show follows the ultimate Queen of Smut, Tam, as she explores the world of M/M Slash Fiction. Tam travels the world to create the ultimate international collection of gay smut fiction, which will be cross-promoted and published by Bravo at the end of the season. Episodes will focus on every detail of the process, including author interviews, cover shoots, behind-the-scenes negotiations and Tam’s drunken exploits in New Orleans.
The Fabulous World of Polt – Polt became a worldwide sensation when he posted a photo of his nude ass online for the world to see. But that’s hardly the (rear) end of his story! Join Polt each week as he explores his fabulous world in search of hookups, obscure Star Trek novels, purple place mats, Superman t-shirts and the ultimate prize: true love.
Michelle Wins Everything – Each week, this game show will feature multiple contestants facing off against Michelle M. in a variety of challenges. The catch? They will never win! Michelle M. is perfect in every way, and will therefore win everything. There’s only one winner in this fantastic new reality game show!
It’s Just Craig – Craig amused us for years with his popular blog, Puntabulous. But then he quit! Is that the end of the story? This new series follows our favorite has-been star, Craig, as he strives to find his new place in the world. Will he return to blogging? Will he live happily ever after with a cardboard cutout of Natalie Portman? You’ll find out in Bravo’s new series: It’s Just Craig.
Mush & Friends – In this blatant rip-off of MTV: Canada & Logo’s hit show, 1 Girl 5 Gays, Bravo’s Mush & Friends is destined to be a hit! Each week, Mush Morgan will sit down with a rotating cast of 5 guests to answer 21 questions about love, life and sex. Panelists expected to appear: Chris D., Enrico, Jere, Jeliot, Josh, Justin, Mel, Mikey, Adam, Polt, Nathan, Justin**, Ryan, VUBOQ, FDot, TwoPi, Ty and M. Nico***!
It’s A Math Math World – TwoPi, Xi_Heather and the rest of their family star in this reality show about their exciting lives in the world of math! Hopefully it’s more exciting than it sounds.
VUBOQ: Vicious Unrepentant Bitter Old Queen - This self-titled series follows VUBOQ as he makes pottery, runs marathons, travels around the country, and has sex with every letter of the alphabet.
Watch What Happens Live with Adam & Michelle – Taking over the reins from the recently terminated Andy Cohen are new co-hosts, Adam and Michelle! Who better to interview all Z-list celebrities than these amazing new Bravo personalities? NO ONE, THAT’S WHO.
Rounding out Bravo’s schedule will be the returning hits: Top Chef, Top Chef: Just Desserts, Flipping Out!, Interior Therapy with Jeff Lewis, Kathy (plus celebrity guests, minus the theme song), Tabatha Takes Over, and a brand new season of the previously cancelled series, Work Out. I’m going to cancel all of the Real Housewives shows and everything else because it’s all just crap.
So what do you think? Will I succeed as the new Executive Vice President of Original Programming and Development, or will I fail? What shows will you watch? And what other shows would you love to see? Tell me all about it in the comments!
*This whole post is a lie!
**Who invited him?!
***He probably won’t show up.
Dentists can be pretty awful motherfu¢kers! They’re always digging around in your mouth, ripping out your teeth, drilling, scraping, and all sorts of crap. They cut you, they hurt you, they leave you feeling like crap AND they take all your money! The only good thing that they do is give you druuuugs. And when you’re high on laughing gas and general anesthesia, your awful family and loved ones record you and then post it on YouTube so we can all laugh at you! Check out these three drugged-out lunatics and then vote for your favorite:
Have you ever been a dental druggy? Or are your teeth perfect in every way? Let’s talk about it in the ‘ments.
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HAVE YOU EVER … Watched Too Much TV?
Have You Ever…
1. Have you ever yelled at someone for spoiling a show?
2. Have you ever not gone out with friends/family because you were going to stay in and watch an anticipated TV episode.
3. Have you ever cried because a television character died?
4. Have you ever printed out the new fall TV schedule so you could highlight what you were going to watch?
5. Have you ever had a show you absolutely needed to fall asleep to?
6. Have you ever written fan fiction that was based on a TV show?
7. Have you ever written letters to a television network demanding that they un-cancel a show?
8. Have you ever felt guilty about giving up on shows, even though they stopped being good a long time ago?
9. Have you ever watched an entire season of TV in a single weekend?
10. Have you ever watched beyond the first season of Glee?
11. Have you ever watched beyond the first season of Heroes?
12. Have you ever purchased a season or series of TV, just to keep it on the back burner in case you ever ran out of current shows to watch?
13. Have you ever loaned TV series DVDs to someone and insist they watch it immediately cause OMG it’s so good?
14. Have you ever finally caved on watching a show that everyone talks about and then get blown away by how awesome it is?
15. Was that show Mad Men?
16. …or Breaking Bad?
17. Have you ever deprived yourself of sleep so you could watch one more show?
18. Have you ever recorded entire seasons of a TV show onto DVD or VHS (or similar media)?
19. Have you ever had DVR conflicts because you want to watch more than two shows at the same time?
20. Have you ever argued with someone about which TV theme song is best?
21. Have you ever sung the Charles in Charge theme song as an opera?
22. Have you ever dreamed that a studio would actually spend money to make a Veronica Mars movie?
23. Have you ever tried to figure out who the final Cylon was?
24. Have you ever wished you lived in Stars Hollow, the fictional town where Gilmore Girls took place?
25. Have you ever gotten mad that nothing on Lost really mattered?
Tell us your total in the comments!
Thanks to Craig, for basically writing this entire post!
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