In case you were not aware, I’m what scientists refer to as a “homosexual.” In layman’s terms, that means that I’m a guy that is sexually attracted to other guys. Females of the species need not apply. And unlike many of my homosexual brothers, I have never tasted (nor stuck my aroused unit into) the mysterious pink wonderland that is known as a “vagina.” Why not? Simply put: vaginas are gross! Here’s 10 reasons why:
1. They’re foreign! What is that thing? It looks like a mess of flappy skin with a hole in the middle. Ew!
2. What’s in there? Teeth? I saw that movie … it was quite eye-opening.
3. They’re smelly! I hear that they often smell of fish sticks and cabbage that has sat in the sun for a bit too long.
4. Yeast infections! I’m not even sure what a yeast infection is … but ew! Wash that thing out once and a while!
5. Periods! Menstrual cycle? Yuck! Why is there blood dripping out of your vagina?
If it’s bleeding, then maybe you should just let it die!
6. Babies come out of them! WTF! How does a freak’n baby fit through that hole? That’s disgusting!
7. The clitoris. Straight guys can’t find it … I don’t even know what it is!
And upon research … is it just a tiny penis?
8. Queefs? My dick never farts … why are there farts coming from your frontside?
9. How do they work? Where does the penis go? Where does the pee come out of?
Can Google Maps help me? Please?
10. It’s not a penis! ‘Nuff said!
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Things That CREEP Me Out
Here are ten things that CREEP me the hell out:
Old timey dolls. What were people thinking in the olden days? Were they trying to scare their children to death? Who would want to wake up to see those evil little faces staring at you? The one above wants to swallow my soul.
Speaking of scaring children to death, jack in the boxes are another way to do it.
The anticipation of that thing popping out is enough to give me a heart attack.
Mayonnaise. SO GROSS! Barf!
Eyeballs. Specifically, touching or operating on them. The Lasik scene from Final Destination 5 almost did me in.
Bar soap*. Especially that slimy gunk between the bar of soap and the soap dish. Gag!
*More on this on a future post.
Mummies. I DON’T WANT TO SEE THAT! EVER! Put that thing back where you found it! (Plus, they carry curses).
Mold, eeeeeeeeeeeew!
Long toenails. Revolting! Clip that shiz before I lose my lunch!
(Also gross: long fingernails on men and those Lamisil toe fungus commercials).
Candle wax on birthday cake. And it gets on the best part – the frosting! I always worry that someone is going to blow too hard on the candles and spray that damn wax everywhere. If I’m in charge of candles, I put them all in one corner so the rest of the cake doesn’t get wax cooties.
Roaches. make. my. skin. Crawl.
So there you have it – ten things that I find utterly disgusting. Runners up were: hairy drain clogs,
hoarders, John Malkovich, porta potties and rotting, never brushed teeth.
What creeps you out? Let me know in comments!
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