Now that 2011 is drawing to a close, it’s time to make resolutions for 2012! Now, I could make my usual resolutions – lose weight, exercise, finish that novel, go back to school… but why bother. Word is it’s the end of days! So I’m going to live large and make this year count. Here are my 2012 resolutions:
January – I’m going to Disney World!
February – I’m going to eat VATS of mashed potatoes and gravy.
March – I resolve to stay in bed, read books, watch DVDs and eat tons of junk food.
April – I’ve always wanted to drive across country, and this is the year I’m going to do it.
I’ll make sure to see all my bloggy friends in between trips to see the largest ball of twine,
carhenge and big holes in the ground.
May – I’m going to hang out in the sewers with Britney and keep on dancing til the world ends.
June – On second thought, who wants to hang out in a stinky sewer? Ever since watching
The Love Boat, I’ve always wanted to go on a cruise. I plan to eat, drink, read,
lay out at the pool, and eat and drink some more.
July – I resolve to island hop, enjoy tropical drinks and work on my skin cancer.
August – La Tomatina! Buñol, Spain has a huge tomato fight every year. I am totally there.
September – I’m going to hang out in Santorini, Greece. Soaking up the sun and eating.
But now that I think about it, I have no idea how the world is going to end. Maybe it won’t
be complete devastation from a pandemic, solar flares, a black hole or asteroid collision.
Maybe it will be a robot uprising, the rapture, or even worse – Zombies!
Maybe I better rethink my resolutions in case I’m stuck on this miserable,
god forsaken, zombie-ridden planet.
October – I better get in fighting shape, so I resolve to lose weight and exercise. sigh.
November – Since I’ll be stockpiling weapons, I better learn how to use them.
December – Several trips to Costco will be in order so I can fill up my hidden
bunker by the lake in the mountains. Bring it on zombies.
So there you have it. My 2012 resolutions. What are your resolutions?
Are you ready for the zombie apocalypse? Let me know in the comments!
(Craig’s last blog post was July 18th. What a lazy piece of shit!)
Oprah has her favorite things. Bossy has hers. Craig even had a few back in 2007. Actually, I guess we all kind of have them. They’re called Favorite Things. So today, I present you with Spring’s Favorite Things:
The Bathroom Window is her favorite. She spends motionless hours letting
the breeze blow through her hair as she looks out the window.
Kibble is her favorite. She hates wet food, and most varieties of dry food for that matter.
Right now she’s happy with Blue Buffalo Adult Indoor Health.
Water Fountains are the only places to drink. Water that stands still is ignored,
in favor of dehydration.
Murder is all just fun & games. When she’s not attacking ankles, she’s ballistically attacking your face.
Talons more accurately describe her claws. They’re sharper than Ginsu Knives and twice as deadly.
Small Crinkly Balls are the only toys worth playing with. Everything else is crap.
Laser Pointers are the only exception.
Carpeted Cat Trees are best for climbing at high speeds, and keeping an eye on the surroundings.
Piles of Dirty Laundry are a great place to take a nap (especially on top of underwear).
Also acceptable: floors, chairs, couches, next to heaters, everywhere, etc.
and finally, Spring loves The Piss Puddle Game.
Watch your back (and your litter box), Jer-bear.
A few weeks ago there were a few power transformer fires and failures in my area of New Jersey. As a result, myself and the residents of my neighborhood were faced with some time without our beloved electricity. These outages meant that we didn’t have TV, Internet, lights, refrigerators … any of the modern conveniences that civilized human beings have grown accustomed to. So what is there to do when the power goes out? Here’s 10 helpful suggestions…
1. Wait it out. The power is bound to come back soon. Try staring at a light bulb until it turns back on, repeatedly hitting the power button on your television’s remote control, or perhaps flipping a light switch up and down until to works.
2. Spend time with others. Instead of just waiting for the power to come back, why not spend time waiting with someone else? Have a conversation, play a game, tell stories … pay some face-time now so you don’t have to waste precious Internet time when the power comes back.
3. Read. Sick of all the together-time? Then how about some alone time? Grab that novel that you’ve always wanted to read, or that stack of magazines that you haven’t gotten to yet. Find a sunny window or bright candle and read.
4. Let the batteries run out. Sick of reading? Then power up your cell phone, laptop computer or iPod and enjoy your electronics until the batteries run out. You’ve probably got a few hours of juice left.
5. Organize and clean. This option is kind of a bummer, so you might as well just skip it.
6. Have Sex. Why clean when you can make a mess and squirt your bodily fluids all over a willing participant? You don’t need to have the lights on to have sex … sometimes it’s even better when you can’t see your partner.
7. Masturbate. If you’re not lucky enough to have sex with a mate or willing neighbor, then why not your hand? Granted, you’ll have to use your imagination or old-fashioned pornography (magazines) to get excited… Oh, and don’t forget — vibrators usually run on batteries.
8. Eat. When you’re done with sexitime (or self-sexitime), why not chow down on all that melting food in the fridge? Start with the junk food in the freezer (ice cream), and work your way through your cold storage. After all, it’s all just going to spoil anyway.
9. Get Drunk. Finished with the fridge? Head to the liquor cabinet next. The power has probably been out for hours now … so why not just drink the darkness away?
10. Go to sleep. You’re stuffed to the gills and completely drunk. Just go to sleep. Maybe the power will be back on when you wake up. If not? Then just repeat the process.
 | Michelle M. on BC&RL 2013: Part 2 |
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| Michelle M. on BC&RL 2013: Part 2 |
| The Incredibly Shrin… on BC&RL 2013: Part 2 |
| Michelle M. on BC&RL 2013: Part 2 |
| Mikey on BC&RL 2013: Part 2 |
Have You Ever… While Peeing?!
The rules are simple: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point.
When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.
Have you ever …
1. Have you ever missed the toilet while peeing?
3. Have you ever read a book or magazine while peeing?
your fault!!!!)
17. Have you ever peeked at someone else’s private parts while peeing?
peeing?
2. Have you ever remained standing while peeing?
4. Have you ever answered a phone call while peeing?
5. Have you ever read a text message while peeing?
6. Have you ever sent a text message while peeing?
7. Have you ever splashed urine or toilet water onto yourself while peeing?
8. Have you ever showered while peeing?
9. Have you ever slept while peeing? (Oh no! You wet the bed! Mom and Dad will be so angry even though you’re just developing slowly and it’s not
10. Have you ever trimmed your pubes while peeing?
11. Have you ever cried while peeing?
12. Have you ever pooped while peeing?
13. Have you ever consumed food or beverage while peeing?
14. Have you ever vomited while peeing?
15. Have you ever crossed your stream with someone else’s while peeing?
16. Have you ever had a conversation with someone while peeing?
18. Have you ever experienced pain or discomfort while peeing?
19. Have you ever contemplated murder while peeing?
20. Have you ever been inside a moving vehicle while peeing?
21. Have you ever let your pants fall to the ground while standing in front of a urinal in a public restroom while peeing? (Yes this seems to happen quite often for some reason.)
22. Have you ever contemplated your political party affiliation while
23. Have you ever proposed marriage (or a civil union) while peeing?
24. Have you ever admired Polt’s ass while peeing?
25. Have you ever thought about Justin and his honey Allen while peeing?
Go take a piss, shake it off or wipe (whichever applies), zip up, wash your hands, come back to the computer, and then tell us your total in the comments!
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