Cocky&Rude

Tired of sporting the same tired do? Stuck in a follicular rut? When you look in the mirror do you see nothing but dreckitude? Well, just like Tyra on America’s Next Top Model, I’ve decided to give you all a makeover to unleash your fabulous inner yous. And like Ms. Banks, I won’t be satisfied until I make one (or all) of you cry. So enjoy your fierce new looks and don’t forget to SMIZE, bitches!

What better way to play up Adam’s fiery ginger locks than with a big, beautiful ‘fro? It’s a hard knock life, but with “The Annie,” Adam is sure to attract all the sugar daddies. Better watch out Mr. Sombrero!

Have you heard that Ty and Mikey moved in together? Cute roommates deserve cute haircuts. With “The Bert and Ernie”* everyone will know these two belong together. *These hairstyles have been brought to you by the letters, C and R.

I was going to give our monkey lord “The God,” but I already did that. Since Craig’s other claim to fame is the Puntabuschlong, I thought it was only fitting I give Craig “The Rod.” And unlike Mr. Stewart, Craig will never have to ask, “Do ya think I’m sexy?”

Bald is sexy (I always say). Patrick Stewart, Boris Kodjoe, Elmer Fudd, Ziggy – all are bodaciously bare. It would be criminal to cover up Jere’s glorious pate, so I just enhanced it with “The Charlie.” Good grief, he looks hot.

I believe that among us, M. Nico has produced the most spawn. And so, “The Gosselin” seemed appropriate for this superdad. It’s all business up front and screeching harpy in back.

Chris D. is one wonderful, sensitive and thoughtful guy. But it’s the quiet ones you have to look out for. Let “The Anton” serve as a warning…

Kimi and I share a deep admiration for the host of tv’s Dirty Jobs, Mike Rowe. And what does every dirty boy need? A dirrty girl! With “The Xtina,” Kimi is beautiful in every single way. So don’t you bring her down.

As loyal C&R readers (all 5 of us) know, FDot continues to bring in the low scores on the Have You Ever?! quizzes.  So to bring out his inner slut, he gets “The Snooki.” Now he’ll have lots of dirty secrets to hide under that poof.

VUBOQ, in case you didn’t know, stands for Vicious Unrepentant Bitter Old Queen. I thought I’d give VUBOQ a more subtle look by dialing down the vicious to a mere nasty. With “The Nellie,” those little hoes on the prairie don’t stand a chance.

Did you know that Mel wants to move to Iceland? I figured I’d help him fit in with the locals by giving him “The Bjork.” Not only are his new buns adorable, but they’ll keep his ears warm during the cold, Icelandic winters.

Paul sports a glorious swirl on the back of his head. It’s the source of all his power. Thanks to “The Gwen” his new front swirl makes Paul invincible. I wonder if he’ll use his powers for good or evil…?

John’s been coasting on the cute bunny thing for too long. All that fluffy fur needed to go. “The Hareless” gives john the cutting edge look that might make us believe that he really does have a cold, dead heart.

Have you seen this man with his shirt off? Hubba hubba. And I’ll throw in an extra hubba for good measure. David could be on the cover of a romance novel. With the flowing mane of “The Fabio” it won’t be long before Harlequin comes a knockin’.

What better look for Bossy, the Chairwoman and CEO of I Am Bossy than “The Trump”? This powerful hairstyle demands authority, respect and billions of dollars – and will stay in place through multiple firings.

Enrico has graduated from college! And will be heading to New York! How will the big city and its wicked ways affect Enrico? Will he remain innocent or not that innocent? With “The Britney,” we’ll never know.

This Firework is meant for fame and fortune. With the “Katy” Josh is sure to be everybody’s Teenage Dream, at least that’s what this California Gurl thinks.

When he’s not making cupcakes, Ryan’s some sort of smart scientist guy. With “The Albert” maybe Ryan will come up with that anti-aging elixir I’ve been waiting for. Get going Ryan! I’m not getting any younger.

I can only imagine that Mr. Sombrero must be a pretty easygoing guy to put up with Adam’s shenanigans. So to help him stay “mellow,” I gave him “The Marley.” Plus – new hat! And I took away his shirt. You’re welcome.

David from Blogography has a very bad monkey. He creates chaos and destruction wherever he goes. But BM’s victims will never be angry with David. With “The Betty,” all is forgiven. Seriously, who could ever be mad at Betty White? Everyone loves her! And now they’ll love David, too. No matter what his little hellraiser does.

Purple…sex… why, Polt and Prince are almost the same person. With “The Prince” Polt is ready to hop into his little red corvette, drive to erotic city, pick up some sweet young thing in a raspberry beret and give him a kiss and some HUGS…

Nathan is Canadian. Which means he’s nice. So I waved my magic wand and gave him “The Glinda.” Now Nathan is officially a friend of Dorothy.

Tam. Also Canadian. Also nice. And who is nicer than Doris Day? Probably lots of people, because she’s dead. Wait, is she dead? I’m pretty sure she is. Anyway, Tam was already sweet, but with “The Doris,” she’ll give you a cavity.

I was going to go against the “nice” stereotype and give the kid “The Lohan,” but I didn’t want to corrupt her. That’s Adam’s job. So Kristen gets to stay wholesome with “The Funicello” – even though she is too young to know who that is.

To be brief (unlike Justin’s comments) I gave Justin “The Asterisk.”

David’s a writer, with a penchant for horror. To keep him in the mood, I gave him “The Poe.” I’m sure his new look will inspire that blockbuster zombie flick. Don’t forget me in your Oscar acceptance speech, David!

“The Dolly”* allows Mush to be a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll. With her teased blonde hair, Mush can bring out the bubbly perkiness that lies within.  *Boobs included.

When I think “funny,” the last person I think of is Bruce Vilanch. But he’s one of the most ridiculous and thus, just the ticket for the Infamous Dr. Para. With “The Bruce,” I’ve turned scary into approachable. Or maybe I’ve turned scary into horrifying…

Now that I’m posting on C&R, my poor noodlepuddin’ is bound to be neglected. I gave him “The Alex” so that I will be reminded to never to ignore him. Hey, has anyone seen john?

Xi_Heather and TwoPi are two of the most intelligent people I’ve never met. Being so brilliant is exhausting (believe me, I know). So I’m giving their brains a much-deserved vacation from all that thinking with “The Chrissy” and “The Lloyd.”  Derp.

Growing up, I wanted to be a Brady. With “The Jan,” I am one far out, groovy chick. Marcia wishes she looked this good. And Thindy can thuck it. Now if you’ll excuse my beauty, I have a hot date with my boyfriend George Glass.