Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club: ROUND TWO! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll re-introduce our fighters. We’ll give them each a chance to speak their mind. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
Each week of Round Two, we’ll drop three Round One winners into the ring and see who remains standing after a 24-hour Cocky & Rude Fight Club vote. Today’s contestants are: Mel, Mr. Sombrero & Mikey!
On June 18th, Mel faced off against a fearsome duo: Raggedy Ann and Andy. But in the end, Mel didn’t even have to raise one of his sharp knitting needles before those silly rag dolls, Raggedy Ann & Andy, crumpled to the ground and died. Mel won with a very impressive 98% of the popular vote.
Excuse me? Me against the soft city boys? Not only do I come from a land where killing things is considered de rigueur, I live in a state where everyone – and I mean everyone – looks like a no-nonsense bulldyke. And when I say I cut bitches for a living, I mean that in the most literal sense. Scalpel in one hand and a syringe full of euthanasia solution in the other, I will seriously fuck these two over. -Mel
Mr. Sombrero claimed victory in his battle with a Confederate flag wielding, Sarah Palin loving, Redneck Border Patrolman. With the help of his trusty burro and a bad case of Montezuma’s revenge, Mr. Sombrero won his fight with 99% of the popular vote.
En mi primero battle, I tore open the borders de Mexico to defeat that estúpido Redneck Border Patrolman. And now you expect me to be afraid of a Mel, a man who fights dolls? Or Mikey? I can watch web videos faster than Speedy Gonzales! Those two gringos are no match for me! I will destroy them with my mustache tied behind my back! ¡Ay, caramba y yo quiero Taco Bell! -Mr. Sombrero
C&R pitted our favorite Friday blogger, Mikey against the former heavyweight champion of the world: Mike Tyson. But Tyson’s fight experience, rape conviction, face tattoo and an expertise in pigeon breeding were no match for Mikey’s love of cheese balls and web videos. Mikey claimed an easy victory with 90% of the popular vote.
I’ve been around longer than Mr. Sombrero and I have heard from reliable sources that he smells bad. Mel lives in Maine, which is barely a state these days. I will triumph on the basis of proximity to greatness and clean-scentedness. I call upon all of you vote for the only reasonable option. -Mikey
Who will win in the battle of Paul vs. VUBOQ vs. FDot? There’s only one rational way to decide who will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to Michelle M., Mikey, Mr. Sombrero & Mel for your assistance with this post!
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| poltguy on BC&RL 2013: Part 2 |
| Michelle M. on BC&RL 2013: Part 2 |
Things That CREEP Me Out
Here are ten things that CREEP me the hell out:
Old timey dolls. What were people thinking in the olden days? Were they trying to scare their children to death? Who would want to wake up to see those evil little faces staring at you? The one above wants to swallow my soul.
Speaking of scaring children to death, jack in the boxes are another way to do it.
The anticipation of that thing popping out is enough to give me a heart attack.
Mayonnaise. SO GROSS! Barf!
Eyeballs. Specifically, touching or operating on them. The Lasik scene from Final Destination 5 almost did me in.
Bar soap*. Especially that slimy gunk between the bar of soap and the soap dish. Gag!
*More on this on a future post.
Mummies. I DON’T WANT TO SEE THAT! EVER! Put that thing back where you found it! (Plus, they carry curses).
Mold, eeeeeeeeeeeew!
Long toenails. Revolting! Clip that shiz before I lose my lunch!
(Also gross: long fingernails on men and those Lamisil toe fungus commercials).
Candle wax on birthday cake. And it gets on the best part – the frosting! I always worry that someone is going to blow too hard on the candles and spray that damn wax everywhere. If I’m in charge of candles, I put them all in one corner so the rest of the cake doesn’t get wax cooties.
Roaches. make. my. skin. Crawl.
So there you have it – ten things that I find utterly disgusting. Runners up were: hairy drain clogs,
hoarders, John Malkovich, porta potties and rotting, never brushed teeth.
What creeps you out? Let me know in comments!
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