Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club!  The rules to the game are simple.  Each week we’ll introduce our fighters.  We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses.  Then we’ll put the results to vote.  You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…

TORNADO

Also known as: Twister, Cyclone, Landspout, Waterspout, Dust Devil
Time of Birth: Anytime, but most often between 3pm and 9pm
Residence: 3 out of every 4 tornadoes occur in the United States
Relationship Status: usually single
Occupation: destruction
Height: 8-16 miles
Wind Speed: Average of 110mph; Maximum of 300+mph
Favorite Animal: Cow
Favorite Movie: Twister, The Wizard of Oz
Typical Duration: 8 minutes
Hobbies: moving house, killing witches
Favorite Curse Word: motherfucker

Tornadoes are violent, dangerous, rotating columns of air that are in contact with both the surface of the Earth and a cloud.  They come in many shapes and sizes, but are typically in the form of a visible funnel, whose narrow end is often encircled by a cloud of debris and dust.  Most tornadoes have an average speed of 110mph, are approximately 250 feet across, and travel a few miles before dissipating.  The most extreme can attain wind speeds of more than 300mph, stretch more than 2 miles across, and stay on the ground for dozens of miles.  Their secret weapons include transporting opponents from Kansas to Oz, hurling cows at storm chasers, dropping houses on witches and flinging forks from decimated house into trees.

PAUL WYCKOFF

Also known as: P.J.

Date of Birth: June 8, 19something, something
Residence: “Long Guyland”
Relationship Status: “Single, currently accepting applications to change that, must have acceptable tattoo to tooth ratio”
Occupation: “Controller, that’s right, I AM IN CONTROL!”
Height & Weight: “I wish I was little bit taller, I wish I was a baller.”
Average Speed: Recently clocked at 100 MPH.
Favorite Animal: Whitey
Favorite Movie: Female Trouble
Typical Duration: Given the right circumstances, hours.
Hobbies: Commenting on blogs while ignoring his own.
Favorite curse word: Cunt

Paul Wyckoff is a violent, dangerous man that lives in “Long Guyland”, New York with his hench-cat, Whitey.  When he’s not busy being the controller of a black and white company, he spends his time surfing YouTube, commenting on blogs, watching South Park and Family Guy, fastidiously decorating and cleaning his condo, and grooming to his glorious swirl.  The swirl itself has been known to kill without remorse, and is considered one of the most dangerous weapons on Earth.  Paul’s secret weapons include an army of drag queens, the ability to use YouTube videos to convey ideas that only he thinks are funny, and the power to turn the sky purple and fill with lightning.  Viva la swirl!

Who will win in the battle of Swirl vs. Swirl?  Will a tornado fling Paul to Oz before he even has a chance to fight?  Or will Paul strike fast and quick with an amusing and relevant YouTube video?  We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.

Check back on Sunday for the results!

Thanks to Paul & Michelle M. for your assistance with this post!

This post was conceived and written before this week’s terrible tragedies in Missouri and Oklahoma. Our hearts go out to those effected. Please consider donating to the American Red Cross’s relief efforts.