The time has come for our biggest adventure yet: Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser. Our competition is on the road to the finals. So far, Adam & Enrico have been duking it out for the top spot. Has Adam knocked Enrico off that high horse and into the muck (and by muck I mean Lindsay Lohan‘s giant steaming pile of vomit)? Only the readers who immediately scroll down the results chart will know for sure! Let’s check in with all the lards and lardies:
Stop trying to make fetch happen, Adam!
Adam: I was at McDonald’s a few times during my vacation to access free WiFi. While there I drank huge containers of orange juice, which then led to me to a terrible case of the Hershey squirts. I think that contributed to me maintaining the same weight this week. Oh and all the blogging I did while Mikey was slacking off.
Spring: purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr *bite*
Mikey: It is a miracle! On my vacation, I managed to lose a little bit more weight that put me back at my starting weight! Yay! Vacation. I attribute this weight loss to the calories I burned while singing in the car, dancing while drunk, and swimming against rip tides!
Michelle #1: Adam gave me these Kalteen bars. They’re Swedish or something. And they’re supposed to burn up all your carbs. So far I haven’t lost any weight, but if I’m sure if I keep eating them, I’ll be fetch in no time.
Is someone celebrating Jimmy Carter's presidency?
Polt: This week I tried a new tact and actually went on a diet: the peanuts and Asti (as opposed to my regular penis and ass diet) diet. Classy, I know. And it worked so well that I actually gained a few pounds, putting me well above my starting weight. How is it that when I’m on vacation, I lose weight, but at home dieting I put it on??? Maybe I just need another vacation…
Is it fair to put this photo on a diet post? Nope...
Matt: What?!?! I gained a pound! This is ridiculous. I’ve been to the gym 3 times this week. Which is like a record for me. I guess my main mistake was baking all day on Sunday for my soon-to-be-ex-coworkers. This is my last week of working at my judicial clerkship before I’m forced into the real world of being an actual attorney. So I baked to hide my nerves. Brownies and peanut butter frosted chocolate cupcakes (I must be a lot more nervous than I thought). Maybe I should go back to vomiting all solid foods. That seemed to work for me quite well.
Enrico is a pretty lady.
Enrico: Today I ate four donuts, sixteen Big Macs and two loaves of bread. I lay engorged in my bedroom, dreaming of the day when I will no longer be mocked for my thin legs and concave belly. But still, I remain the same weight. Someone tell me, when is it my turn? As I watch the summer come to an end, I think of the cold winter ahead and the time that I will eventually empty my breath from its bad prison. I only hope by then I will need an extra-wide coffin.
Michelle #2: I had my last cigarette on August 14th. For the next seven days, I ate whatever the hell I wanted – cheezy poofs, chocolate truffles, whatever it took to keep me from smoking. Today I weighed [myself] because Mikey was nagging me to and I’m now at an astonishing -5.30%. Yes, quitting smoking has garnered me eight total pounds of weight gain. EIGHT MOTHERFUCKING POUNDS. Go to the store and pick up eight pounds of hamburger and stand there with it: THAT’S what I’ve gained. Needless to say, I won’t be winning this competition. But at least I don’t smoke anymore.
|Spring, Mikey, Michelle #1
So there you have it folks! With only two more weeks left in our competition and it still looks like either Enrico or Adam will have the Biggest Cock. But you never know what is around the bend. Maybe Michelle #1 will lose all of her water weight and the pounds will slide off! Or Mikey might even lose 10% of his body weight in two weeks by resorting to the old Master Cleanse. Get your lemons and maple syrup ready folks…this could just be a photo finish.