Our fifth week is complete! Today our contestants celebrate six weeks into the cockiest and rudest weight loss competition evahhhh! It’s Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3!
Last week we took a look at a single meal that each of our contestants submitted. This week we’re taking a look inside each of their refrigerators. Just what are they hiding inside? We’re about to find out!
Mikey
In my fridge are a wild and crazy assortment of take out food products. With Ty away for work, I have indulged my inner bachelor with all the food ordering options Brooklyn has to offer. Please note the half eaten piece of carrot cake (gross) and the assorted condiments that I save from my meals and eventually throw out.
TwoPi
Apparently I’ve found a time machine, and managed to reverse what little progress I’d made so far in the competition. Time to reassess and regroup for next week. As for the fridge… From the top going down, reading left to right: We store cereal, dishwasher detergent, and pain medication on top of the fridge. I didn’t open up the freezer, but had I done so, you’d see ice cube trays and assorted frozen fruit, a few kinds of frozen pasta (ravioli mostly, for my kids mostly), and coffee grounds stored in the door. On the front of the freezer: a few photos of friends and their children, various coupons and papers, and fridge magnets, including our Puntabulous Memorial Magnet. Top shelf of the fridge: On the left, mostly jars, mostly condiments. On the right, beverages, primarily half-gallon glass bottles of milk, from a local dairy, and some fruit and veg juices. Next layer: cheeses (in the drawer), eggs (and dyed hard-boiled eggs in the cardboard container) Lowest shelf: Strawberries, apple sauce, juices, and some leftovers in the white bowl with blue lid. (Chicken and veg stir fry, if memory serves me correctly). Low bins: various shredded cheeses and tortillas on the left, various vegetables on the right. Door: The obligatory collection of salad dressings, steak sauce, and other random condiments, butter in the butter bin, random adult beverages on the lowest shelf.
Polt
So this week, we’re doing our fridge photo. Mine is now filled with stuff on my diet: meat (steak, sausages, ham) and salad stuff (lettuce, carrots, celery, cheese, hard boiled eggs, etc) and plenty of condiments (ketchup, A-1 Steak sauce, several different kinds of salad dressing). The yogurt’s been there a few weeks, too many carbs for me to eat too often. Diet Coke. Oh and that bottle of wine’s been there since before Christmas…have to find just the right time to drink that.
Ryan
A lot of the food here is actually my roommate’s, especially in the freezer. My single serving ice creams are just off camera in the freezer door. The other items of note are the blue containers filled with the beans that I cooked last night ready to be taken with me to work.
Tam
My fridge is usually filled with pretty healthy stuff, lots of cheese products, meats, fruits, veggies and things for lunches like juice boxes, pudding, fruit cups, etc. Also lots of random stuff like pickles, salad dressing, condiments. And usually leftovers of some kind, we always seem to have leftovers.
Mr. Sombrero
Yeah, there’s mostly veggie and dairy action goin’ on in my refridge. Some soy and hummus goodies in between. And no, that’s not dried up poop, that’s a ginger root. Also, some cat food for Mr. Mini Sombrero.
Michelle M.
This is pretty much how the fridge always looks. Missing are containers of leftovers. I cook “real meals” about twice a week. Other nights we eat leftovers. The two nights a week Harry plays hockey, I usually have soup or rice. Weekends we go out for dinner or scrounge around in the cupboards. The container in the back is ground flax seed (which I always forget to sprinkle on stuff). The beer is Harry’s, I drink the zinfandel. Other stuff you see are condiments, salad dressing, salsa (is salsa a condiment?), applesauce, fruit, veggies, salad, assorted juices and water, butter (boo!) and soda (boo!). Pretty healthy for the most part. I’m glad Adam didn’t ask for a picture of the freezer. That’s where the thin mints, tater tots and ice cream live.
Adam
I admit it: My fridge usually isn’t this empty. I usually go grocery shopping on Sunday, but since last Sunday was some random Christian holiday, my grocery store was closed. So this week I’m just going to starve! Here’s what I have… Freezer door: frozen corn, peas, broccoli and Brussels sprouts. Freezer: frozen pitas and English muffins, 2 leftover frozen black bean burgers, and ice cube tray storage. Fridge door: ketchup, jelly, a few miscellaneous condiments, iced tea, seltzer water, almond “milk”, garlic, and a giant bottle of Arrogant Bastard Ale that I got for my birthday (last July). Fridge: basket containing 3 apples, water, mozzarella-style vegan cheese, leftover pizza sauce, hummus, 2 whole wheat pitas, tofu, tempeh, and a bottle of diet root beer (hiding behind the water) that I can’t drink because I stopped drinking soda. Woohoo!
And now the week’s results:
Stay tuned each Thursday for the stunning weight-loss success stories of our eight contestants. Who will win this year’s competition? Find out on May 31st … just in time for bikini season!
If you’re like me, you’re always stopping by the local grocery store to pick up a few things. I’m probably there at least twice a week. They’re wonderful places that tout a huge selection of fresh produce, meats (if you’re into that sort of thing), dairy (ditto), packaged foods, health and beauty aids, and just about anything else that you can imagine. But what have you been up to at the grocery store? We’re about to find out.
You know the rules: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.
Have You Ever?!1. Have you ever worked at a grocery store?
2. Have you ever used the restroom at a grocery store?
3. Have you ever tasted food (grapes, bakery items, etc.) and not paid for it?
4. Have you ever accidentally swapped carts with another shopper?
5. Have you ever hit someone with your cart?
6. Have you ever just left your cart in the parking lot instead of returning it to a cart return or to the front of the store?
7. Have you ever realized that you didn’t have enough money to pay for your groceries at the check-out counter and had to select some items to leave out of your purchase?
8. Have you ever used an express line or self-checkout line with more than the allowed number of items?
9. Have you ever returned any items to a grocery store for a refund?
10. Have you ever purchased a big-ticket item (electronics, lawn furniture, etc.) from a grocery store?
11. Have you ever stolen something from a grocery store?
12. Have you ever broken something that required an employee to clean it up?
13. Have you ever purposefully broken or damaged merchandise at a grocery store?
14. Have you ever knocked over a display at a grocery store?
15. Have you ever consumed a meal inside a grocery store (whether or not they had a prepared food and seating area)?
16. Have you ever avoided someone that you know at a grocery store so you didn’t have to talk to them?
17. Have you ever purchased discounted merchandise at a grocery store that is nearly spoiled or expired?
18. Have you ever abandoned merchandise where it doesn’t belong at a grocery store?
19. Have you ever hid an embarrassing item (condoms, hemorrhoid cream, etc.) under other items in your cart?
20. Have you ever gotten a rain check at a grocery store?
21. Have you ever knowingly tried to use expired coupons at a grocery store?
22. Have you ever been the cause of a checkout line slow-down (Price check, unusual coupon, unreadable bar code, etc.)?
23. Have you ever yelled at a grocery store employee?
24. Have you ever asked a grocery store employee or another customer out on a date?
25. Have you ever had (any form of) sex in a grocery store?
It’s time to fess up! Tell us your total in the comments.
I realized a few weeks ago that from a certain spot in my parking lot, I can see my landlord’s computer screen. I was so excited! I couldn’t wait to see what kind of porn (girls? boys? horses? fatties? fisting?) that he was into. But after a few weeks of spying, I’ve come to the realization that all he ever does is play solitaire. He’s exactly like my father, and most of the other old people (40+) that I know. The computer is simply a new way to play card games.
Old people, I’m here to help you. There are better things to do with your computer! The Internet is a wide and wondrous place. Here are some suggestions to get you started…
E-mail Your Friends & Family
Why? Because it’s cheaper than a toll call! (Old people usually don’t believe that free in-network mobile phone calls are actually free.) You’ll especially enjoy forwarding bad jokes, religious stories, hoaxes that you are convinced are real, and sharing photos with your family. Please note that old people usually don’t attach photos to an email correctly, so receivers will never see them.
Chat With Your Family
Instead of emailing, why not just IM them? There are a variety of options: Google Talk, AIM, Yahoo! Messenger, etc. Each one of them is easy to use and won’t time out when you only type about one word a minute. Where is the ‘s’ again? I’m sure your family is patient and won’t mind that you type so slow. Oh, and Skype is out of the question, because old people will never understand how to set up a microphone and web cam.
Catch Up On The News
You’re old, so you’re probably a Republican. The best news site for you is FoxNews.com! They offer a fair and balanced version of the news that’s usually not exactly true, but true enough to get you all riled up against those damn liberals! Your favorite person, Sarah Palin is even on the payroll! Check daily for the latest on how heath care reform will cause you to be instantly euthanized and up-to-the-minute information about how Barack Obama was not born in the United States.
Stay On Top Of The Weather
Old people love the weather. A chance of rain or snow is enough of a reason to stay home for days. And when you don’t have much left to live for, it’s important to know the temperature highs and lows for the day. Make sure to send daily emails to your kids and grandkids, reminding them to wear a coat today!
Porn, Porn & More Porn!
Old people’s penises and vajayjays are saggy and old. They wrinkle up like prunes (which on a side-note, are great for avoiding constipation!) and drag on the ground. Don’t get me started on wispy gray pubic hair. It’s just disgusting. Porn is a great way to remember how your body used to look. And what better place to find porn than on the Internet?
It’s Hookup Time!
And why stop at porn? The Internet is a great place for old people to find romance or just hook up with other old folks. And with the advent of Viagra and Cialis, old guys never have to worry about under-preforming and stage fright. eHarmony.com is great if you’re looking for romance (and they don’t let the queers in either!), but sites like AshleyMadison.com are great if you’re just looking to bang some old married people, and still make it home in time for Wheel of Fortune.
Print Out Some Coupons
The only thing better than sex is saving money. And with websites like Coupons.com, you don’t even have to worry about hobbling with your walker to end of the driveway to pick up the newspaper anymore. You can sit on your Duro-Med Rubber Inflatable Seat Cushion Ring and print coupons straight from the computer! As long as you can figure out how to use that damn printer!
Google Your Favorite Subjects
You’re old, so you’re probably all about history (because you were there when it happened). Why not Google your favorite topics? I suggest searching for topics like “World War I” or “Back when I had a pet dinosaur.” Or why not just use Google as an address bar? Wanna go to Facebook? Search for “Facebook.com” or why not try searching Google for “Google.com”? Old people LOVE to do that.
Map Your Family Tree
Old people love reconnecting and remembering their long lost relatives. Why not use a site like Ancestry.com to map a family tree? Or how about Classmates.com to find a few of your still-living classmates? Both sites cost money, and for some reason, old people are surprising willing to pay for these services. Just don’t be there a month later when the credit card bill shows up. They’ll have that foamy pad on the telephone speaker pressed hard against their hearing aid as they scream at the credit card company representative to take the charge of their bill.
Stalk Your Family On Facebook
Facebook, you say? That’s where I disapprovingly look at photos of my grandson Adam jamming vegetables down his pants. He thinks it’s funny. I think it’s disgusting! Old people love stalking their family on Facebook. They’d stalk their friends too, but they’re all dead.
Old people are great, and they love computers. With this helpful list, hopefully they can make the most out of their final few years on the planet. Do you have any suggestions of your own? Add to my list in the comments!
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Sports are Stupid! Here’s 50 Things To Do Instead of Watching the Super Bowl…
1. Clip your toenails.
2. Organize your grocery store coupons.
3. Admire Polt’s ass.
4. Twiddle your thumbs.
5. Stare at the wall.
6. Watch the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet.
7. Read a book.
8. Watch The Notebook to balance out the world.
9. Organize a box of Fruit Loops by color.
10. Call all your butch friends who are watching the Super Bowl, just to chat.
11. Roll pennies.
12. Watch paint dry.
13. Clean out your closet.
14. Stuff everything that you took out of your closet into another closet.
15. Alphabetize your DVDs.
16. Comb your back hair.
17. Go shopping.
18. Clean out your refrigerator.
19. Replace the batteries in your smoke detectors.
20. Clean the dead bugs out of your ceiling lamps.
21. Make sure that everything hanging in your home is perfectly level.
22. Tweeze your eyebrows.
23. Catch up on Glee.
24. Look up naked women on the Internet and ponder why vaginas are just so damn disgusting.
25. Actually read one of those m/m short stories that Tam is always reviewing.
26. Masturbate.
27. Watch grass grow.
28. Play solitaire.
29. Add hundreds of pointless life events to your Facebook timeline.
30. Organize your porn.
31. Prune your pubes.
32. Microwave random things until they explode.
33. Perfect a foreign accent.
34. Plot world domination.
35. Perform an interpretive dance of LMFAO‘s I’m Sexy and I Know It.
36. Bake and decorate a cake.
37. Plan your future wedding.
38. Go grocery shopping (the store will be EMPTY).
39. Re-read every C&R post and comment on all of them.
40. Actually visit Our T.V. Night (because no one ever does).
41. Build a sex machine.
42. Nap.
43. Compose a C&R guest post and email it to Adam.
44. Learn the beautiful art of flower arraigning.
45. Drink alcohol until you pass out.
46. Lick the black mold that’s growing on your bathroom wall.
47. Clean your house.
48. Exercise.
49. Go see a movie.
50. Dream up 50 more things that you could do instead of watching the Super Bowl.
Special thanks to Mikey and Craig for their assistance with this post.
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