National Men’s Health Week has just drawn to a close. This makes me wonder: How healthy is the C&Rmy? Are we ready to rise up against our greatest enemy and defeat him? Let’s find out how healthy of a man you are.
The rules are simple: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.
Have You Ever?!1. Have you ever had to get a physical for a school sport?
2. Have you ever gotten a physical because you’re getting old?
3. Have you ever had high cholesterol?
4. Have you ever had a kidney stone?
5. Have you ever had a heart attack?
6. Have you ever had arthritis?
7. Have you ever predicted bad weather coming because of pain in your joints?
8. Have you ever been told by a doctor that it’s time to start losing weight?
9. Have you ever been asked by your doctor if you’re sexually active?
10. Have you ever had to pee in a cup?
11. Have you ever had to provide a stool sample?
12. Have you ever been handed someone else’s pee in a cup?
13. Have you ever had to handle someone else’s stool sample?
14. Have you ever turned your head an coughed while a doctor yanked on yer balls?
15. Have you ever seen a urologist?
16. Have you ever checked your own balls for lumps?
17. Have you ever checked someone else’s balls for lumps?
18. Have you ever had a urinary tract infection?
19. Have you ever had a prostate exam?
20. Have you ever thrown your back out during sexual relations?
21. Have you ever not been able to get it up during sexual relations?
22. Have you ever been with someone who was not able to get it up during sexual relations?
23. Have you ever taken a prescription for your erectile dysfunction?
24. Have you ever taken an erectile dysfunction pill just for the hell of it?
25. Have you ever been raped by a giant erectile dysfunction pill wearing a cape?
Now turn your head, cough, and tell us your total in the comments.
Our third week is complete! Today our contestants celebrate three weeks into the cockiest and rudest weight loss competition evahhhh! It’s Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3!
Exercise is an important part of every weight-loss regimen. This week, the contestants were invited to tell us how they’ve exercised to help attain their weight-loss goals. Here’s what they said:
Mikey
The only exercise I have been able to get in the past two weeks has been walking to/from work, walking the dog, playing with the dog, and COUGHING. However, since my diet changes have resulted in my weight loss leveling off and since I am finally able to move around without hacking up a corner of my lungs, I am instituting an exercise regimen. I will be doing 30-45 min of cardio every other day for the near future. May my ass disappear.
Tam
The picture says it all. I really have not focused at all on exercise. I have really only been seriously participating in this challenge for about 10 days because of my trip, so right now I’m just paying attention to what I eat and how much of it. I’ve been faithfully logging my in-take on Spark People and I think for right now I need to focus on that until it becomes more second nature. If I starting thinking I must do this, and this, and this, I’m likely to do none of it. So that’s my rationale for sitting my ass on the couch and doing nothing.
Ryan
The majority of my exercise is walking. Commuting to work gives me a baseline of twelve miles each week. I’ve also started using a walk tracking app on my phone. I love it because I can take a spontaneous path and not have to worry about remembering every detour when I map the route when I get home. I’ve also been doing some calisthenics, but I haven’t been disciplined about it. Usually, it amounts to doing some pushups while my oatmeal is cooking if I don’t have any dishes to wash.
Adam
I’ve been a lazy piece of shit for the past week. I’m paying for a gym membership … I really need to go to the gym. Ugh. But I’m just so damn lazy. bloooooooooooooooooob. Maybe my arm muscles will get bigger if I buy heavier forks. And spoons.
Polt
This week we’re supposed to talk about exercise. I don’t feel the need to change my exercise regime, as I was getting quite a bit of exercise before we started. I mean, several times in an evening, I had to drag my fat ass off the couch, ya know, to get something to eat, or to pee or whatever. And at least once a day, I have to roll my fat ass outta bed…NOT an easy thing to do, I assure you. So as long as I keep working out like that, I should do really well.
TwoPi
Slow and steady wins the race! Unless you’re pedaling on a stationary bike, that is. Or not, as I’ve been lately. I couldn’t find the “Add dust and cobwebs” filter in Photoshop… but the actual stationary bike and elliptical machine sitting in my attic are gathering more dust than sweat these days. I’ve been struggling with hip and back trouble for months, and at the moment my most strenuous activity is walking (when I’m able) and physical therapy (when I’m good and I remember). But I know I’ve got the equipment waiting there to be dusted off, and surely some day…
Michelle M.
I haven’t exercised at all. I’VE BEEN SICK! I did get my hula hoop, Thighmaster, in-line skates and dumbbells out of the garage for this photo, so that should count for something. Other exercise I haven’t been doing: walking around the lake, riding my bike and Zumba (which I intend to buy/do one day, so that should also count for something).
Mr. Sombrero
Mr. Sombrero has been feeling a bit under the weather past few days and he had to skip a few classes. But on a good week his exercise regimen consist of yoga, calisthenics, and ton, like 7 miles a day, of walking. And somehow I still don’t see the results fast enough. Damn you quesadillas!!!
And now the week’s results:
Stay tuned each Thursday for the stunning weight-loss success stories of our eight contestants. Who will win this year’s competition? Find out on May 31st … just in time for bikini season!
This past week I have been sick, sick, sick. I haven’t been this sick since I taught preschool (where I got sick on a weekly basis). The sickness started with chills, fatigue and nausea and a fever. Then the coughing started. So I went to the store, got some cold medicine, came home and conked out. Being sick stinks. Sure, you get to stay home and laze around, but you can’t really enjoy it if you’re coughing up a lung. There are some things that make it bearable, though. Here are a few of mine:
Canada Dry Ginger ale with ice (or 7up in a pinch, but not Schweppes, that stuff is nasty)
Clean sheets
Orange Popsicles (the ones made with real juice)
Granny Smith apple slices
my hot water bottle
Saltine Crackers
Homemade chicken noodle soup
A stack of library books
Television
Honey Lemon cough drops (cherry is disgusting)
I don’t have one of these, but it would certainly come in handy…
And a little TLC
Those are some of the things that make me feel better when I’m under the weather. What makes you feel better when you’re sick? Would you rather have someone take care of you, or do you like to be left alone? Let me know in comments!
As I mentioned yesterday, Craig missed Saturday’s Puntabugang C&R AAArrrrrrmy Party because he was suffering from a urinary tract infection. But just how did Craig manage to infect his penis with disgusting bacteria? Here’s 10 of my theories…
The boys of Cocky & Rude love the lead up to Zombie Jesus Day a lot. Adam gets to eat all the vegan candy he can find and Mikey gets to make fun of Adam for eating vegan candy, which sounds just plain gross. We also get to talk about all the stuff that we are going to give up for Lent. We have no idea why we or anyone are supposed to give stuff up for the period between Mardi Gras and ZJD, but they do. Here is what we are giving up this year.
Adam: I’m not going to Be (Fake) Nice To My Coworkers anymore. No more polite smiles. And I will no longer bite my tongue and listen to you babble about the weather.
Mikey: I’m not going to Tell People I’m Giving Up Catholicism for Lent. I never really had it and frankly the joke has gotten tired.
Adam: I’m going to give up Weight Loss. It’s overrated, I’m happier when I’m fat, and you people already kicked me out of Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2.
Mikey: I’m not going to Say that I’m Fat. It might be horribly true, but I’m not going to tell anyone how super sized I have become or how few of my clothes fit me.
Adam: I’m also giving up Being Nice To People. It takes too much effort and it’s easier to be rude. Plus when I’m rude to people, it’s free advertising for Cocky & Rude.
Mikey: I’m not going to Apologize to People I Bump Into on the Subway. When I do, they look at me like my apology is the offensive part.
Adam: No more Being A Courteous Driver for me! If you’re driving too slow and I’m stuck behind you, please prepare for me to honk at you. If you’re driving stupid, I will give you the finger.
Mikey: No more Whining About How Few Comments I get. It is your own damn fault that you are missing an opportunity to interact with the greatest mind of my generation. Suit yourself.
Adam: I will no longer Help Little Old Ladies Cross The Street. Not that I’ve ever helped a little old lady before, but if I see one, I will most definitely push them to the ground and step on them.
Mikey: I am finished Helping Tourists Get Around the City. They just need to shut up, buy a map and get the hell out of my way. I’m serious. German? Get Away! Italian? Mop off the grease and get off the street.
Adam: Forget Waiting My Turn At The Supermarket! I’m now just going to mow everyone down with my shopping cart. If you’re between me and my produce, I’m going to hurt you.
Mikey: I’m not going to Stop Quoting 30 Rock all the time. The show is incredibly brilliant and the humor can not be contained. I will continue to work on my night cheese.
Adam: Street runners beware! I will no longer refrain from Rolling My Window Down And Screaming At You Like A Lady. Oh wait, I’ve never refrained from doing this. Is that weird? I scream a high pitched wail at the same large-chested man in a tight t-shirt at least once a week.
Mikey: I’m not going to Stop talking about How Amazing Cheese is. It is the best substance ever. I love chocolate lots, but cheese is the best thing that ever happened to anyone including you.
Adam: That’s it for Covering My Mouth And Nose When I Cough And Sneeze! My germs are awesome, and from now on, I’m going to share them with all of you!
Mikey: I’m not going to Wash My Clothes. I hate doing laundry and I think that the fake god wants me to not do it, so I won’t. I might smell by the end of Lent, but I’ll be happy.
Adam: I’m also giving up Watching My Language Around Children. They’re going to hear some fucking curse words somewhere, so they might as well fucking hear them from me.
Mikey: I’m not going to Stop Making Goo Goo Sounds at Dogs on the Street. I don’t care if your think it makes me sound like a crazy person or immature. Dogs are cute and deserve to know it.
Adam: No more Making Fun Of You Behind Your Back for me! Now I’m just going to make fun of you to your face. And it’s gunna be brutal.
Mikey: I’m not going to Complain to Adam about his continuing to Watch American Idol. He watches a lot more shows that I will tease him about. I bet he still watches that one about those doctors who don’t really know anything about medicine other than how to sexually harass each other in the on call room.
Now that you know what good boys we plan to be, let us know what you are going to give up this Lent. We will accept all answers as a contract between you and the Lord. (For the purposes of this blog, Cocky & Rude is the Lord).
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Have You Ever … Had Poor Etiquette?!
The rules are simple: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.
1. Have you ever been late?
6. Have you ever commented negatively about someone on Facebook?
13. Have you ever engaged in excessive PDA?
20. Have you ever had a conversation with someone on speakerphone in a public place?
2. Have you ever forgotten to introduce a date, friend or acquaintance to a group of new people?
3. Have you ever regifted a gift?
4. Have you ever forgotten to RSVP?
5. Have you ever taken the last bit of coffee and not made a new pot at work?
7. Have you ever farted in a public place?
8. Have you ever smoked a cigarette really close to non-smokers?
9. Have you ever cut in line?
10. Have you ever remained seated on public transportation when a disabled or elderly person was forced to stand?
11. Have you ever hogged a sidewalk so no one could pass you?
12. Have you ever clipped your nails (or otherwise groomed yourself) in public?
14. Have you ever hit all the buttons in an elevator?
15. Have you ever let the doors close instead of holding an elevator for someone?
16. Have you ever skipped the tip at a restaurant?
17. Have you ever made a lot of noise in a quiet movie theater?
18. Have you ever left pubes, pee, poo or any other mess in or on a public toilet without cleaning it up?
19. Have you ever coughed or sneezed onto someone else?
21. Have you ever used profanity in front of children in a public place?
22. Have you ever talked with your mouth full?
23. Have you ever behaved rudely at the gym? (not wiping off machines, monopolizing machines, etc.)
24. Have you ever not held the door for someone when entering or exiting a store?
25. Have you ever stared at someone’s boobs instead of their face when they were talking to you?
Tell us your total in the comments!
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