These two commercials make me want to shoot myself in the head.
Hotspacho? Seriously? And this is SAMUEL L. JACKSON! Why isn’t it: “I want some motherfuckin organic mushrooms in my motherfuckin risotto!”?
Is that rain? OoOoOoOo … YOU’RE STANDING NEXT TO GODDAMNED A WINDOW. Remind me to clean up … [quirky pause] … tomorrow. Today, we’re dancing!
I think I’ll get another Droid when my contract is up.
This week I turned to you for a Friday Five… and by FSM, you delivered! By the power of Grayskull, I present YOUR Friday Five!
Hot problems! We can all relate, I’m sure. These girls are just… awful. They make yearn for the vocal styling of Rebecca Black. I’m pretty sure this video is the beginning of the End of Days. -Michelle M.
NYC is Effed.
And you know what End of Days means. That’s right. Zombies! Here’s a Zombie Survival Map. Just plug in your address and find all the resources you need to help you survive an undead outbreak. -Michelle M.
Since we’ve been rehearsing FAME like forever – the mastermind behind Tyrone Jackson decided to start filming us seeing as we are a kick ass cast! The vlogs have been posted for our viewing enjoyment and this is our most recent. I recommend skipping the useless stuff and going straight to 2:48 where we start dance warm up with our lovely choreographer Chloe! Then it’s our opening number, Pray/Hard Work. After is our wonderful Tyrone singing Dancing on the Sidewalk! Enjoy! Also this is still rehearsal we’re much better now I promise! Our opening night went fantastic and hopefully the rest do toooooo! -Kristen “The Kid”
I know that this Doritos commercial is from the Super Bowl but I still love it. Every time it’s on I have to stop what I’m doing and watch. When he slams into the window it kills me! -Tam
Polt's laptop was broken!
What made this week great for me? Friends that have enough intimate knowledge of computers to help me reformat my laptop. Thanks to StratCat, it’s now back up and running, albeit, a smidge differently than before, just minor changes, mind you, but changes nonetheless. Still, it’s better than what I had before she got it up and running. So yay to friends who can do that, in general, and to StratCat in particular! -Polt
Have you ever imagined what goes on inside the head of your favorite pet? Well one enterprising Brit put those wonders onto my current favorite tumblr blog. It even got me to use the term tumblr, which I hate. I mean…why not tumbler? It’s only one more letter. I mean….seriously. Anyway….check out the site for all the real life inspired texts between one person and their dog. -Mikey
Roscoe would look awesome with a monocle.
MY GOODNESS What a week! Hot Problems, Zombies, Fame, Doritos commercials, friends with computer knowledge, and a British dog that can text! It’s such a great Friday Five that there actually six! Wowzers!
And since I didn’t participate this week, here are MY runners up: open windows, my bicycle, Dick Clark died, Wawa Diet Green Tea, driving with the windows down, going to bed early, ant traps, Draw Something, mustaches, Kindle Fire and hardcore gay pornography.
Here’s some (more) stuff that annoys me. Enjoy.
Nadia from Bitchin’ Kitchen. Why does she have to talk like that? That exaggerated accent is ridiculous.
The guy from the Beastie Boys. That whiny thing he does with his voice is like nails on a chalkboard.
People who practically come to a stop before going over a speed bump.
Recaps of shows on the show itself. I don’t need a review of what I’ve already seen when we get back from the commercial break. I’m looking at you House Hunters.
People who don’t say thank you when I open the door for them. Maybe next time this happens I’ll scream, “YOU’RE WELCOME!!!” at them.
Contestants who hold their signal device incorrectly on Jeopardy (behind their backs, with crossed arms, pushing their button with their index fingers). They should all take lessons from my favorite Jeopardy contestant of all time: Ty Cone.
That weird model pose.
And the bleached eyebrows. Enough already.
Debra Messing‘s character on Smash. There is nothing sympathetic about her to me. She is unpleasant and whiny and she cheated on her husband. Am I supposed to root for her? Yuck. I hope she falls down an elevator shaft.
WordPress. It hides half my comment (if it even lets me make one). And that’s if I can even log in. Will I be Michelle M. or melliots? Who knows?!
Why can’t I just buy a six pack of soda at the grocery store? I wanted to but some Hansen’s mandarin lime soda to add in with my beloved Berenger’s zinfandel, but all I could find was cases of the stuff. I don’t need that much soda! I am on a diet!!
Other things that bug me: ads before YouTube videos, accidentally deleting my post and buying the wrong kind (sugar free) of Fudgsicles.
So what’s been getting your dander up? Le me know in comments.
C&R’s last crowdsourced Friday Five was such a hit that I’ve decided to do it again. Here’s your Friday Five!
From Polt: What did I love about this week? Freshly laundered bedsheets, still warm from the dryer. Slapping these little slices of heaven right on the bed and then sliding between them, rolling onto your side, pulling the sheet up to your nose and making yourself a little cocoon of warm, comfy, lavender-scented awesomeness is one of life’s greatest pleasures! Next to a night with three Asians with hairthings spent on those sheets. Yeah, that would be better.
From Tam: My new favourite thing is PC Caramelized Red Onion Chutney. At our house we hate mustard and we hate mayonnaise, so sometimes sandwiches are a little dry, but since I discovered this product … *swoon*. The description: With a fusion of English-style malt vinegar and Italian balsamic vinegar of Modena, along with brown sugar, herbs, spices, and slow-cooked caramelized onions, our zesty chutney adds a dash of vibrancy to your dishes. Imported from United Kingdom. Doesn’t that sound yummy? I guess the imported thing explains the price, a bit steep, but worth every cent to liven up my sandwich. I see they use butter in it so it’s not vegan. Sorry Adam.
From Craig: M&Ms – Growing up in my parents house, Mom always kept bowls of red and green M&Ms scattered around the house around Christmas. (For our Canadian readers, M&Ms are like your Smarties but a million and a half times better.) I carried the tradition over to my new place for my first Christmas on my own and it was fantastic. Easy access to M&Ms at all times with no one but myself to eat them? Yes please! Even after the Christmas season ended, and all the red and green M&Ms had made their way through my toilet and into your drinking water, I’ve kept the tradition alive by keeping original M&Ms on my coffee table at all times. Not only are they extremely delicious, but they add a splash of color to my drab earth toney living room!
From Mikey: So there was this thing called the Super Bowl on Sunday. You might have heard of it. Well anyway, before the game aired NBC ran a commercial/promo wishing everyone a Happy Super Bowl. Sure this sounds like typical network TV fare for the most watched event of the year. What made this one amazing was the fact that someone (most likely Tina Fey) got a bunch of the stars of NBC’s shows together to sing and dance to “Brotherhood of Man” from How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. The result…magic. And GAY magic, which only happens during Madonna Super Bowls.
From Michelle M.: A federal appeals court ruled against California’s voter-approved ban on same-sex marriage (Prop 8) on Tuesday. Finally.
This week’s runners up: the state of Washington, The premier of Smash, slow cookers, painting bottles, Dance Moms (last weeks competition took place at East Islip High School!), Happy Endings, Archie Panjabi, The River, cat breading and hardcore gay pornography.
There are many things that confound me. Here are some of them.
1. Joanna Newsom
She’s a singer (if you can call that awful noise coming out of her singing). I don’t even know if I like her songs, because I can’t get past her disturbingly odd, babyish voice. It makes me want to stab someone everyone. YUCK. I wouldn’t want to subject anyone to an entire song, so here’s a brief (you’re welcome) taste of her singing in a commercial. How is she successful? Who is buying her records? For the love of god, why won’t someone stop her? I don’t get it.
2. The Lottery
I don’t get why I can’t win the damn thing. I would be sooo good at being filthy rich.
3. French fries
Why can’t I find good french fries? I like a nice, hot, greasy fry. Greasy enough that the salt sticks to them (and doesn’t bounce off). I do not like firm, crispy fries! When you hold them they should be flaccid. Now, McDonalds (circa the seventies) made a great fry. Alas, the movement to make healthy fries ruined what used to be my favorite food. If I wanted to be healthy, I would eat a frickin’ apple. And what’s with the weird coating some of them have? Lame. And I hate that they turn into hard, dry matchsticks if you don’t eat them quickly enough. It’s all so very sad. I just don’t get it.
4. aging
Why is anti-aging research not a priority? Who cares about new football stadiums, flying cars, diseases, space exploration and wars if I am not around to enjoy them? I don’t get it. Don’t scientists and the powers that be in government not realize that they are aging too? They need to get on this stat. I’m falling apart here!
5. Wonder Woman movie
I don’t get it. Who wouldn’t want to see a Wonder Woman movie? No one, that’s who. Will I ever get to see Princess Diana on the silver screen in my lifetime? C’mon Hollywood – give the people (me) what they want. For crying out loud, Elektra, Daredevil, Captain America and the Green Lantern got their own movies. Even stupid Thor got a movie. Speaking of which, have you seen Conan’s version? OMG, it’s brilliant. ker-SMASH!
Other things I don’t get: math, the Kardashians, football, duckface, steampunk and sushi. What don’t you get? Let me know in comments!
 | Tam on BC&RL 2013: Part 2 |
 | Tasha on 10 Reasons Why Vaginas Are… |
 | Alexus on 10 Reasons Why Vaginas Are… |
| Alexus on 10 Reasons Why Vaginas Are… |
| Vagina. on 10 Reasons Why Vaginas Are… |
 | goblinbox on Biggest C&R Loser 201… |
 | Order Now! Fool Me T… on Commenter Cocktails! |
 | Jones sabo and maybe… on What Animal Are You? |
Things That CREEP Me Out
Here are ten things that CREEP me the hell out:
Old timey dolls. What were people thinking in the olden days? Were they trying to scare their children to death? Who would want to wake up to see those evil little faces staring at you? The one above wants to swallow my soul.
Speaking of scaring children to death, jack in the boxes are another way to do it.
The anticipation of that thing popping out is enough to give me a heart attack.
Mayonnaise. SO GROSS! Barf!
Eyeballs. Specifically, touching or operating on them. The Lasik scene from Final Destination 5 almost did me in.
Bar soap*. Especially that slimy gunk between the bar of soap and the soap dish. Gag!
*More on this on a future post.
Mummies. I DON’T WANT TO SEE THAT! EVER! Put that thing back where you found it! (Plus, they carry curses).
Mold, eeeeeeeeeeeew!
Long toenails. Revolting! Clip that shiz before I lose my lunch!
(Also gross: long fingernails on men and those Lamisil toe fungus commercials).
Candle wax on birthday cake. And it gets on the best part – the frosting! I always worry that someone is going to blow too hard on the candles and spray that damn wax everywhere. If I’m in charge of candles, I put them all in one corner so the rest of the cake doesn’t get wax cooties.
Roaches. make. my. skin. Crawl.
So there you have it – ten things that I find utterly disgusting. Runners up were: hairy drain clogs,
hoarders, John Malkovich, porta potties and rotting, never brushed teeth.
What creeps you out? Let me know in comments!
Rate this:
Share this:
Like this: