Like last year at this time, Mikey has abandoned us for the sunny shores of Adam Corolla, North Carolina. We can only imagine that he’s again eating giant tubs of cheese balls, drinking gallons of alcohol and feasting on just a bit too much Nutella. I only hope that this year’s gluttonous behavior has not turned off his travel companion: Jeopardy! Champion Ty Cone. After a week of debauchery, it’s needless to say that Mikey is in no shape to write a Friday Five. So in his absence, Michelle M. and I have decided to each write a Friday 2.5. Because 2.5 + 2.5 = 5. I think. Yay math! Here goes…
Michelle M.’s First: Harry!
When we bought our house it came with a sunroom. We found out after the first rainfall that the sunroom came with major problems including leaky walls and a crap foundation. It would have to go.
Harry and his friends were going to tear it out this summer, but Harry ended up doing it all by himself. I mean, I know it’s not like he changed the ballast in a fluorescent light fixture, but still, I’m pretty darn impressed!
Adam’s First: Topping my list this week is Zoila Chavez, the housekeeper on Bravo’s Flipping Out. Over five seasons as Jeff Lewis’s house keeper on Flipping Out, Zoila has proven herself to be a smart-mouthed, occasionally working, hilarious addition to the design/house-flipping reality show. This season, Zoila had a facelift and recovered for a few episodes. That left Jeff to clean up for himself (including washing Zoila’s underwear) until he could find a temporary replacement. Hilarity ensued…
Michelle M.’s Second: The Woman in Black.I saw the trailer for this movie the other day. I LOVE scary movies. Especially the ones that keep me from sleeping at night. This one has lots of spooky elements: old timey photos, a decrepit house, rhyming, little girls, creepy ass dolls, creepy ass clown dolls, creepy ass monkey dolls, mud and a ghost. I can hardly wait! But I’ll have to – it doesn’t come out until Feb. 2012 : (.
Adam’s Second: This week, my #2 is Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody. Yesterday I did the unthinkable: I watched straight porn. And as you know, that’s not my thing. But lemme explain: I watched Star Trek The Next Generation – A XXX Parody! It was everything I had hoped for (and some things that I hadn’t hoped for). The story was great, the actors did a decent job, and the sets and special effects were phenomenal! Commander Data even had makeup … all over his body! All that has left me feeling even more excited for my next straight porn experience, Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody. Check out the totally SFW trailer:
Michelle M.’s Half: Adam’s tags. Sometimes they’re funnier than the posts. Some of my favorites: tam loves worms, chris d. got naked on his blog, harry should keep his day job, michelle doesn’t care about adam’s feelings, mikey loves video posts, I can always lie and pretend my mistakes are games, poor craig probably cried and why do we have to keep looking at polt’s ass?
Adam’s Half: My half this week is none other than Tam! Tam was a great sport when C&R had a lot of fun with her on our (2-day) “TamWeek.” On top of that, she also sent me a present this week — for no reason! Tam sent me a copy ofThe Vegan Table that she snagged at a Borders going-out-of-business sale when she was in Chicago last week. She’s so nice! Thanks Tam! I’m totally inspired to use this cookbook when Michelle M. and I rip of Anna & Kristina’s Grocery Bag with our new TV series on OWN. Stay tuned! I’m so excited! (And delusional!)
Great idea, Tam! That’s such a thoughtful idea!
This week’s Friday Five is made up of Harry, Zoila, The Woman In Black, Star Wars Porn, Adam’s Tags and Tam! What a great mix! What’s in your Friday Five?
Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll introduce our fighters. We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
Members: Donnie Wahlberg, Danny Wood, Joey McIntyre, Jordan Knight, Jonathan Knight, Brian Littrell, Nick Carter, A. J. McLean, & Howie Dorough Current Location: Touring across the United States & Canada Relationship Status: Some of them are probably married
Occupation: boy band entertainers
Height & Weight: Varies
Hobbies: singing, dancing Major Cities on the current tour: Rosemont, Grand Rapids, Buffalo, Baltimore, Uncasville, Boston, Washington, D.C., Philly, Montreal, Toronto, East Rutherford, Pittsburg, Chicago, Memphis, Nashville, Atlanta, Houston, Dallas, San Antonio, Phoenix, L.A., San Jose, Vegas, Vancouver, Minneapolis, Kansas City, Tulsa, St. Louis, Orlando, Columbus, Cleveland, Atlantic City, Hershey, Ottawa, Hamilton, & London Hit Songs: “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)“, “Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)“, “Hangin’ Tough“, “Please Don’t Go Girl“, etc. Hit Albums: New Kids on the Block (1986), Hangin’ Tough (1988), Step by Step (1990), Backstreet Boys (1996), Backstreet’s Back (1997), Millennium (1999), Unbreakable (2007), This Is Us (2009), etc. Official Website: http://www.nkotbsb.com/ Catch Phrase: One Night, One Stage, Once in a Lifetime.
NKOTBSB is the supergroup collaboration of the hit ’80s and ’90s boy-band groups New Kids On The Block and Backstreet Boys. The two groups first came together during an onstage performance of “I Want It That Way” at Radio City Music Hall in the summer of 2010. They are currently touring North America in hopes of reigniting the boy band fad in the United States. Secret weapons include: lots of hair gel, choreographed dance moves, stylized facial hair, entitled attitudes, a hoard of screaming middle-aged women and the sheer number of group members.
AKA / Alias: Isn’t VUBOQ enough? I mean, really …but if not, his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace
Date of Birth: the Best Day of the Year – St. Patrick’s Day!!! (What other holiday is solely about drinking?)
Place of Birth: Contrary to popular belief, I was not born in a manger. Current Residence: Silver Spring, MD Relationship Status: I am in a long-term open relationship with Seagram’s Gin (I’m free to drink other gins as long as I tell Mr. Seagram about it first. Currently, I’m having a little fling with a Beefeater). The great thing about gin is that you never have to worry about it disappearing for days, not returning text messages or phone calls or emails. It’s always there, in my freezer, waiting to be made into a yummy martini to make me happy. Yay! Occupation: Government/Military Contractor. GAH. That is so boring. Let’s make it “Government/Military Sparklefier” Height & Weight: Shorter than Craig. Heavier than Michelle M.
Hobbies: pottery (do you have a piece of my pottery? do you want one? so. much. pottery.), knitting, making infused vodkas Major Cities that you’ve visited: Internationally, London, Tokyo, Beijing, Taipei, Singapore, Bangkok, Berlin … Toronto in September. Yay for Canadia! Nationally, DeeCee, NYC, Dallas, San Diego, San Francisco, LA, Seattle, Las Vegas, DEEEEEEE-troit, Boston, Albuquerque (isn’t that a major city?), Atlanta, Philly … what exactly is a major city? Should these be all on the back of the VUBOQ World Tour t-shirt? Favorite Song: OMG. I have no idea. I am absolutely sure it is not a NKOTBSB song. And, while we’re on the subject, shouldn’t it be NKOTBBSB? Because otherwise it’s New Kids on the Back Street Boys -and while I’m sure that is fueling all sorts of fun m/m slash fiction- maybe they don’t Want it That Way? (Isn’t that one of their songs? Who knows?) Favorite Album: Ditto. I am really not all that into music. Well, not so into it that I can pick a favorite. Official Website: vuboq.blogspot.com Link it. Love it. Be it. Catch Phrase: None, that I know of. Favorite curse word: Fork
Everyone’s favorite acronym, VUBOQ (Vicious Unrepentant Bitter Old Queen), provided so much information that a bio is hardly necessary. Instead, here’s a list of his likes, dislikes and Secret Weapons, in his own words… Likes: martinis. pesto. dark chocolate. green. orange. Isabella. cute boys. my nook. Dislikes: beets. stupid people. people who stand on the left on the escalator. clueless tourists. people who walk too slow. metro cars with a/c that doesn’t work (hmm … can you tell what kind of commute home I had this evening? at least there were no beets involved). Secret Weapons: A few years ago, I fended off a mugger with my umbrella (Apparently, I was a 90-year-old grandmother in a former life). Also, back in the late 80s, one of my college friends was a NKOTB stalker, so she shared with me how to find the hotel they were staying in after concerts: The band always booked the entire top floor of a hotel. She would call every hotel in town and ask for a room on the top floor. If they were all booked, she would reserve a room on the floor below. HAHA! Take that (*hehe* Take That! *hehe*), NKOTB(B)SB! I know how to find your secret lair!
Who will win in the battle of NKOTBSB vs. VUBOQ? Both contestants have a whole lot of letters in their acronyms … but there can only be one winner. Will NKOTBSB’s member count be too much for VUBOQ to handle? Or will VUBOQ outsmart the boy band boys with his trusty old lady umbrella? We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to VUBOQ & Michelle M. for your assistance with this post!
Welcome to a brand new feature game at Cocky & Rude! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll introduce our fighters. We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
Born: Orpah Gail Winfrey Date of Birth: January 29, 1954 Age: 57 Residence: Chicago, Illinois Marital Status: Partnered with both Stedman Graham and Gayle King Occupation: Talk show host, media proprietor, actress Weight: Fluctuates wildly
Oprah Winfrey is an American television host, actress, producer, and philanthropist, best known for her self-titled, multi-award winning talk show, which has become the highest-rated program of its kind in history. Now considered by many to be the world’s most powerful woman, Oprah comes from humble beginnings. Now at age 57, Oprah boasts a media and production company, a satellite radio station, a magazine, a successful film career (including an Academy Award nomination), a popular online presence and a brand new television network.
Born: Michelle S. Alias: Wonder Woman Date of Birth: June 5 (year unknown) Age: Ageless Residence: San Diego, CA Marital Status: Married to Harry M. Occupation: Blog commenter extraordinaire, Adobe Photoshop Master Weight: Hardly anything
Hailing from San Diego, California, Michelle M. is know throughout the blogosphere for her humorous comments and Photoshop masterpieces. Michelle has worked at a few different preschools over the years, but ultimately left each one when they threatened to overturn her ever-present smile. She enjoys alcoholic beverages — especially wine and cocktails with umbrellas, and despises most white foods, especially cheese. While many of her online friends have begged her to create her own blog, Twitter account, Tumblr page, or some other form of web presence, Michelle M. prefers to ‘keep them wanting more.’
AND NOW IT’S TIME TO FIGHT! Who will win in the battle of Media Mogul versus Wonder Woman? Will Michelle go down for the count or will she deliver a knock-out punch? Will Oprah reign supreme, or is her time in the spotlight finally over? That’s for you to decide! We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent!
We’ll let you know which fighter wins the first round of Cocky & Rude Fight Club on Sunday at noon!
Let me take you on a magical journey to the mid-90s, 1995 to be exact. I was still in high school and Bill Clinton was still presiding over the largest economic expansion in US history by allowing our government to actually exist (well kinda). Jenny Jones was still on the air and cruising into controversy. Tejano superstar Selena was murdered by her own biggest fan and therefore inspiring Jennifer Lopez to spread her wings and sing really crappy music. Timothy McVeigh showed that white people could be killed by other white people and the media will still accuse Muslim terrorists of the crime without any information. And OJ Simpson was found not guilty of his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman despite all of the evidence that showed that he did it. It was also the year that the Outhere Brothers had their biggest hit of all time.
You don’t remember the Outhere Brothers? I don’t even think I knew their names back in the 90s, but I certainly remember their music. Supposedly they were a hip-hop duo from Chicago, yet upon review I’m sure they were not. They don’t really rap and my white-ass white self has more flow than them. They are a prime example of the music of the nineties post Seattle grunge and pre-bubble gum super-pop of the Backstreet Boys. It mixes brain deadening repetition with inane nonsensical lyrics. It is no wonder that Scandinavians are still in love with it. Take Cathy for example. She rocked this song. Her enthusiasm is infectious, hilarious, and entertaining. Reportedly Cathy took her own video down because some jackwads harassed her, but I am grateful that Cathy made it possible for me take this little trip down memory lane to a better time.