A Limerick:
We all know her as Michelle M.
We think her to be quite the gem.
But I have been told
She’s getting quite old,
So it’s time to start calling her “ma’am.”
- Jere
Wishing you a mouth-watering birthday!
-David P.
-Tam
Happy Birthday to one of my favorite people ever, Cooper’s mom and Wonder Women fan….
Michelle M.!!!! I hope you have the most awesome Birthday ever because you deserve it!!
xoxo
– TJ and the doggies (Cooper’s Compadres)
Happy Birthday! From X-Heather and TwoPi
A Haiku About Michelle
The best in our books
Happy Birthday To Michelle
Hail Wonder Woman
- Kristen
Ode to Her Awesomeness
By Craig
What could one possibly say,
About the delectable Michelle M?
If she were a dessert,
She’d be la crème de la crème.
She lives in California,
All the way on the West Coast.
She’s the Cocky & Rude writer,
That us readers love the most.
She never met a head,
She couldn’t put on another body.
Don’t let her sweet looks fool you,
For her mouth is quite a potty.
With those flowing golden locks,
Like a superhero’s cape.
It begs that age old question,
Does the carpet match the drapes?
Her husband is a sexy beast,
Who likes pizza and canned beer.
There’s not a single gay around,
Who doesn’t wish that he was queer.
Wonder Woman is her idol,
And Cooper is her bird.
I don’t know who she loves most,
But Harry’s definitely in third.
So today is her birthday,
Hope she have lots of fun.
Happy Birthday Michelle M!
Congrats on turning twenty one!
Dear Michelle,
I heard it was your birthday so I wanted to send you a short note. I hope you have a wonderful day and that you don’t divorce your husband so you can marry a politician and then your ex marries a skinny little waif and then you can’t stop eating because you hate your life and you are fighting with your kids and your mother-in-law thinks you are useless and then you become the fattest woman in Westchester and then you can’t wear any of your clothes and then you feel so worried that you will eat up all your kids and then you will worry that Gene might be too small and gamey to be palatable and then your daughter hates you because you want to go skiing and she goes to her dad’s and get’s her period and then she comes back to you and whines and you are thinking “hurry up and have a baby so I can eat it.” Can I eat your cake?
Love, Fat Betty
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
From Mikey & Ty
Happy birthday to the most creative, talented, elfin proportioned person I know!
Happy Birthday Michelle!
Have a great day and best wishes for the coming year! -John
Ok, I know that Harry and Craiggers are gonna get real jealous here, but I got only one question for Michelle M.:
I Wonder Woman, are you my kinda woman?
Wit a back like that you fly like jets
Are you my Wonder Woman?
te quiero,
mr. sombrero
Happy Birthday Michelle M.!!! I decided to celebrate your birthday by mixing
my two favorite things: you, and my favorite albums!!! -Enrico
1. Pizza Port – Monterey pizza is really good and the Swami’s IPA is excellent. Best place to go with a lot of people. The one in Solana Beach is my favorite but the new one in Ocean Beach is usually less crowded.
2. Canned beer/Avery IPA – I’m a recycling nut and all those bottles take up so much space. People say it doesn’t taste as good, but they’re wrong. Other favs are Caldera IPA, Oskar Blues Old Chub and Gubna. California brewers are finally doing this with Sierra Nevada putting Torpedo in a 16 oz can. Also goes great with…
3. Thai Curry – Red, green, yellow, chicken, tofu, shrimp, so yummy I could eat it twice a day.
4. Mission Proto VSI skates – Since I play inline hockey 2-3 times a week, I need a skate that fits well and is light. I have two pairs, plus an older, beat-up pair of Proto VS skates for going around the lake/bay with Michelle.
5. CCM Thornton Blades – The inline hockey surface is a slightly rough concrete and it acts like sandpaper to my stick blades. It’s much cheaper to replace the blade than buy a $100 stick every two months. I hope they keep making them when he retires.
6. Sansa Clip+ – Best. MP3 player. Ever. Clips to my t-shirt collar for a run around the lake plus it’s expandable with microSDHC cards. Also works great for taking data back and forth to work.
7. Ikea Jerker Desk – Great desk with a funny name. I started standing at my desk and this desk adjusts to the right height. Plus it’s got great storage areas for my computers. I’ll be adding some additional hidden mounts under the desk to hide my cables and router gear.
8. Vmware/Cygwin – Allows me to run Linux and use Gnu tools (bash, g++, Emacs, ssh, XWindows) while I’m using Windows. Need both for work and it’s a pain to have two computers.
9. Subaru Outback – So versatile. Use it to carry big stuff from Home Depot, hockey gear, camping gear plus it’s not as big as a SUV and gets better gas mileage.
10. AT&T Uverse – So sad we gave this up for Time-Warner cable. TW only has two pros: slow-motion and it’s cheaper. As soon as our contract is up, we’re going back to UVerse.
11. Hot sauce – Because my list goes all the way to 11 and everything is better with it (PB&J and Sriracha). As you can tell, I keep a variety on hand for every spicing need.
Did you watch the Oscar awards on Sunday? The whole show? And you managed to stay awake?! AMAZING!! You deserve an award. But too bad! There’s only one award that we’re handing out today… the award for the 2nd Annual Cocky & Rude Oscar Contest! This year’s winner correctly predicted 20 of the 24 Academy Award categories. AND NOW … without further ado … (after all, why wait until the end of the post when the winner is someone who has never commented on C&R before?), the winner is: Bart Randall from Los Angeles, California! Yippee! Hurray! Woohoo!!! Congratulations!
Already in the mail and jetting its way to California is an assortment of seven movie theater-style candies, two packs of microwave popcorn and a brand new DVD of Lindsay Lohan in Walt Disney’s Herbie Fully Loaded! Wow, what a great prize!
So how did I tabulate the results? In a giant messy spreadsheet! Check it out!
Here’s the full roundup of the results:
My favorite two category results were Best Cinematography and Best Actor in a Supporting Role. Why, you ask?
It’s because 100% of the people that entered the 2nd Annual Cocky & Rude Oscar Contest chose the Best Cinematography winner incorrectly. You’re all dummies! (And so am I!) In the Best Supporting Actor category, nearly everyone picked the correct winner (which was Christopher Plummer for Beginners) — EXCEPT Tam and Polt. Ha! They stink! Lolz!
Each year we invite contest participants to predict the Best and Worst Dressed Academy Award celebrity attendee. Since these categories are subjective, they do not count towards final scores.
This Year’s Best Dressed Predictions:
Meryl Streep, Viola Davis and Michelle Williams all tied for Best Dressed with three votes each. Emma Stone was next with two votes, and then everyone else tied with one vote each.
This Year’s Worst Dressed Predictions:
Meryl Streep won Worst Dressed with three votes. Glenn Close, Michelle Williams, Rooney Mara and Sacha Baron Cohen tied for second place with two votes each. Everyone else tied with one vote each.
Congratulations to Meryl Streep and Michelle Williams for being our (predicted) Best AND Worst Dressed celebrities! And Congratulations to Bart Randall for winning the 2nd Annual Cocky & Rude Oscar Contest! So what did you think of this year’s Oscar Awards? Any surprises? Who was the best & worst dressed of the night? What did you think of Jennifer Lopez’s nip, Angelina Jolie’s emaciated leg, Billy Crystal’s break out from the old folks home, and the rest of Sunday night’s silliness? Any thoughts for next year? Who should host? Do you even care about the Oscars? Let’s discuss in the comments!!
C&R’s last crowdsourced Friday Five was such a hit that I’ve decided to do it again. Here’s your Friday Five!
From Polt: What did I love about this week? Freshly laundered bedsheets, still warm from the dryer. Slapping these little slices of heaven right on the bed and then sliding between them, rolling onto your side, pulling the sheet up to your nose and making yourself a little cocoon of warm, comfy, lavender-scented awesomeness is one of life’s greatest pleasures! Next to a night with three Asians with hairthings spent on those sheets. Yeah, that would be better.
From Tam: My new favourite thing is PC Caramelized Red Onion Chutney. At our house we hate mustard and we hate mayonnaise, so sometimes sandwiches are a little dry, but since I discovered this product … *swoon*. The description: With a fusion of English-style malt vinegar and Italian balsamic vinegar of Modena, along with brown sugar, herbs, spices, and slow-cooked caramelized onions, our zesty chutney adds a dash of vibrancy to your dishes. Imported from United Kingdom. Doesn’t that sound yummy? I guess the imported thing explains the price, a bit steep, but worth every cent to liven up my sandwich. I see they use butter in it so it’s not vegan. Sorry Adam.
From Craig: M&Ms – Growing up in my parents house, Mom always kept bowls of red and green M&Ms scattered around the house around Christmas. (For our Canadian readers, M&Ms are like your Smarties but a million and a half times better.) I carried the tradition over to my new place for my first Christmas on my own and it was fantastic. Easy access to M&Ms at all times with no one but myself to eat them? Yes please! Even after the Christmas season ended, and all the red and green M&Ms had made their way through my toilet and into your drinking water, I’ve kept the tradition alive by keeping original M&Ms on my coffee table at all times. Not only are they extremely delicious, but they add a splash of color to my drab earth toney living room!
From Mikey: So there was this thing called the Super Bowl on Sunday. You might have heard of it. Well anyway, before the game aired NBC ran a commercial/promo wishing everyone a Happy Super Bowl. Sure this sounds like typical network TV fare for the most watched event of the year. What made this one amazing was the fact that someone (most likely Tina Fey) got a bunch of the stars of NBC’s shows together to sing and dance to “Brotherhood of Man” from How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. The result…magic. And GAY magic, which only happens during Madonna Super Bowls.
From Michelle M.: A federal appeals court ruled against California’s voter-approved ban on same-sex marriage (Prop 8) on Tuesday. Finally.
This week’s runners up: the state of Washington, The premier of Smash, slow cookers, painting bottles, Dance Moms (last weeks competition took place at East Islip High School!), Happy Endings, Archie Panjabi, The River, cat breading and hardcore gay pornography.
I was at a loss about what to post, so here’s a rundown of my exciting, fun-filled week.
Monday – It rained. I went grocery shopping, did laundry, ironed and watched The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
Tuesday – The digital arts class I wanted to take was closed, so I signed up for painting. Class started today. This is the building it’s in. We didn’t do any painting, just got our materials list. I was relieved I wasn’t the oldest one there.
Wednesday – I drove all over town looking for the supplies on my materials list. After going to four stores I finally had them all.
Thursday – Our car broke down. To the tune of $3,000. This is the rental car we’re using. In class we painted a still life of ugly bottles. We were only allowed to use burnt umber, so I ended up with an ugly brown painting of ugly bottles.
That night we went out for dinner. I had a glass of Chardonnay. The menu described it as having notes of pear, lime zest, butterscotch, honey and vanilla – none of which I could taste (wine always tastes like wine to me). Harry had a beer.
Friday – I gave blood. I wanted to have Nutter Butters, but I’m doing the non- gluten thing and had a Rice Krispie treat instead. Afterwards, we went to Wendy’s because I was craving chicken nuggets. I blame Mikey.
Saturday – I got my hair did. At least one day a month my hair does not look like a big frizzy mess. We went to Islands for dinner where I had a lovely (and potent) Mai Tai. Harry had a beer.
Sunday – We went to Las Olas for dinner (Harry had 2 beers). This is the view across the street. I love California.
Then we went to the used record store and Pizza Port for a drink. I had a hard apple cider. Harry had 2 additional beers. We rounded out the night by going to the pet store and buying a new toy for Cooper. Then I kept Adam awake ’til all hours finishing up this post.
How was your week? Was it as amazing as mine? Let me know in comments!
This week the California lottery mega millions jackpot was $116,000,000. It dawned on me that if I won, I could do some holiday shopping for my bloggy friends. So after some careful consideration I made out my ChristmasHanukkahKwanzaaWhatever list. So keep your fingers crossed that I win* and you just might find the following under your treemenorahmkekawhatever. And because there’s a slight chance I might not win, I came up with some alternative gift choices to give you.**
(Click to enlarge any of the photos)
For Tam – A luxury yacht to go island hopping and a membership to the Man of the Month club.
But if I don’t win she’ll have to settle for a toy boat and a framed photo of Polt’s ass.
For Jere – Marvel Entertainment. And I’ll throw in DC for good measure. Maybe he can do something about a Wonder Woman movie…
If I don’t win, he’ll have to stick to lawyering, so a booze hiding law book might come in handy.
For Craig – a centipede-free mansion in San Diego, so he can hang out with me (all the time)!
But the odds aren’t good, so a can of bug spray and some ear guards will have to do.
For Paul, a starring role in the upcoming Star Trek film and one of those back end movie deals where he makes mega-bucks.
But should I not win the jackpot, an Enterprise scratching post for Whitey will have to suffice.
For Ryan, I will pay off his student loans. He will also get one of these nifty cupcake cars and a lifetime supply of gas.
But if I remain a big old loser, he’s going to have to make do with this cheery little painting.
For my darling VUBOQ, a house with a pottery studio, a fully stocked walk in closet and all the gin his liver can take.
But if I don’t win, he’s getting a sparkly shoe and a jar of olives.
Lucky Mel will finally get to make lopapeysu all day in his Iceland dream house.
Unless I lose. Then he gets ice cubes and a ball of yarn.
Heather and TwoPi both like math, which is completely crazy. So I’m going to set them up with lifetime psychiatric therapy.
But if I don’t win, they will receive Godzilla pajamas, slippers and a toy city they can take turns destroying.
Adam will also get a house in San Diego and will finally find a Lexus with a big red bow in his driveway.
If I don’t have the winning numbers, though, he’ll receive a boob mug and a copy of The Vagina Monologues.
Mikey gets a wine shop. And a cheese shop.
Unless I lose. Then he gets a box of wine and a 99 cent bag of Cheetos.
For Polt, a purple palace filled with Asians with hairthings.
If I don’t win, our favorite stalker gets a fake nose and glasses and a pair of binoculars instead.
For my favorite duo, Joshrico, I’d buy penthouses and limos. Fame, fortune and the paparazzi are sure to follow.
But if I’m not the next lottery winner, I might be able to pay this guy to follow them around for an hour with his camera.
There’s always that one person on your list you have no idea what to get. For me, it’s M. Nico.
He’ll just have to settle for a gift card from Amazon.
Unless I don’t win. Then he gets fruitcake.
Mush gets a mansion, her own record label (I quite like the name “Mushtones”) and a kick ass tour bus so she can tour the country (and visit me, of course).
But if megamillions are not in my stars, she’ll be unwrapping Mr. Microphone.
Fdot watches a lot of movies, so he’ll need a mansion with a state of the art, luxury home theater.
If I lose, he’ll receive Jiffy pop and a DVD of the “best worst movie ever made” Troll 2. Featuring such classic scenes as the following:
Chris D. is excited by space, so I’ll send him there in his very own rocket.
If someone else wins my money he can pretend to be in orbit with these stick on ceiling stars.
David P. will get the VIP treatment with front row seats to any play/musical in the world. Free meals at any restaurant included.
Life does not always (or ever!) go my way though, so David can put on his own shows with these nifty finger puppets and afterward have dinner at McDonald’s.
Justin loves maple. So he will get one of those fancy million dollar log cabins in the middle of a maple tree forest.
Unless my numbers are off. Then he gets a bottle of imitation maple syrup.
I would pay all of john’s bills and buy him a house and an art gallery so he could quit his stupid job and concentrate on his art.
If I don’t win, a big bag of rabbit chow is just the ticket.
I would buy the Kid the Pittsburgh Penguins.
Or a Sidney Crosby bobblehead (if I’m doomed to a life as a non millionaire).
David G. is getting a first class ticket to Hollywood and his own studio. Those zombie screenplays of his will finally be up on the silver screen for me to enjoy.
But should I lose, here’s a t-shirt.
Nathan will get a private jet to fly him around the world.
Or this book of paper airplanes. Not winning the lottery sucks.
Ty will get that $250,000 Jeopardy money he should have gotten in the tournament of Champions.
But if I don’t win, a ceramic Dalmatian from the Old School Wheel of Fortune is just as good.
Mr. Sombrero already has Adam, so obviously he doesn’t need anything else.
I do have a lot of peanut butter left over from the taste test, though…
If I forgot anyone, let me know in the comments, and I’ll find a regift in the garage for you.
So, hopefully, I will be the next megamillionaire, but know that if I’m not I’ll be wishing you all health, love and happiness in the New Year and always.
*It might help if I bought a lottery ticket.
**Just kidding, I’m not getting you anything at all.
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Find Out Who Has The Biggest Boy-Parts! (NSFW)
While innocently surfing the Internet, I stumbled upon some survey results from a few years ago. It seems that the reputable source, Condomania.com has determined a unique rankings of average penis size in the 50 states. Here’s Condomania’s results, ordered by largest to smallest penis:
By now you’ve scanned the list to see where you rank. Are you lucky enough to be living in well-endowed New Hampshire? Or maybe you’re living in Micropenisville, Wyoming? Most of the C&R frequent commenters living in the following 8 states … and here’s how we measure up:
The results turned out quite well for the presumably well-hung Mikey, Craig, Ty, Josh, Jere and the rest of our New York commenters. Unfortunately those of us in New Jersey (like myself) and Maine didn’t quite measure up. But as those of us who are a bit less than well endowed often claim: it’s not the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean.
A final note … New Yorkers shouldn’t whip out their junk and celebrate too quickly. When Condomania.com ranked the 20 most populated U.S. cities by their average penis size, some new facts were revealed:
It’s good news for commenters like Harry, Ryan and VUBOQ, who live in or near San Diego and Washington D.C. It looks like they may out-measure a few of our New York City friends after all.
So how do you measure up? Are these lists accurate? And what city and state will you be visiting on your next vacation?
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