Our eleventh week is complete! Today our contestants celebrate eleven weeks into the cockiest and rudest weight loss competition evahhhh! It’s Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3!
Rosie O’Donnell once admitted to stopping at multiple Waffle Houses because she was embarrassed to order so much food from a single fast-food restaurant. This week I asked each of the contestants for a pre-diet embarrassing admission. Here’s what they had to say…
Michelle M.
Well, there was that one time I ate 10 tacos…
Ryan
I’m most embarrassed with how I would get a large bag of candy, eat until the sugar made me feel sick, and then sometimes keep eating. I’m also not proud of how I would sometimes substitute a bag of Doritos or a pint of Ben & Jerry’s for a meal or how quickly I could go through a box of donuts.
Polt
So this week, we’re detailing an something embarrassing we did before we started the contest. Hmm, well being over 300 12 years ago was pretty embarrassing in an of itself. But let’s see, what else embarrassing did I do? Oh yeah, well a few years back, mom made me a Boston Cream Pie for my birthday. She, dad and I each had a slice when she gave it to me. Then I took it home. By 8:00 the next evening, the entire pie was gone. It was simply THAT good, ate the whole damn thing in less than a day. Not the first time either. But in my defense, Mama Polt makes a HELLUVA delicious pie! (and I don’t have any photos of her pies, so the one I included in just a generic pie, which I’m sure tastes nowhere near as good as hers!)
Mikey
My shocking admission is that I love to eat ice cream and like Fat Betty I just can’t stop. You see that pint of Ben & Jerry’s? I could make that my bitch in about 20 minutes, no brain freeze, one spoon, pure bliss. Truth be told, I MISS IT SO FREAKIN MUCH. 
Mr. Sombrero
Does a honey badger think some of his actions are embarrassing? Of course he doesn’t. He’s a honey badger. Does Mr. Sombrero think eating an entire tub of Twix ice cream… before dinner… is embarrassing? Probably not. He’s Mr. Sombrero. Wait… we’re suppose to be dieting? Ok, now I’m embarrassed to admit something…
TwoPi
I do all the cooking and grocery shopping for the family. One of the benefits (or risks) of grocery shopping alone is the opportunity to buy a “little treat” or snack for the drive home. For a while, I was craving Doritos, and each time at the grocery I’d buy a big bag of Doritos, and snarf them down on the drive home. (This might be two or three times per week at its worst.) At one point I had the brilliant idea to put wet wipes in the car to eliminate the tell-tale signs of Dorito snarfage, but in a cold weather climate this doesn’t work out so well. I might not have lost as much weight as my compatriots here, but BC&RL3 *did* help break me of my shameful Dorito habit.
Tam
I don’t think I’ve ever done something like that, not that I can think of. Although I have eaten my lunch in my office at 10:30 and then went and bought lunch in the cafeteria at 12:00. Sigh I’m more paranoid what people are thinking when I legitimately buy food for more than me. If you go to the drive-thru and order two burgers and fries (both the same) and you get to the window and there is only you in the car, are they wondering what kind of a pig I am or assuming I’m taking it home for someone? When I order a large pizza I hope they realize I’m not home alone, I could have five kids running around in there. So I’m conscious of how it looks when I order/buy certain foods, but I’ve not done too much sneaky food eating/buying.
Adam
Much like Tam, I’m also incredibly paranoid about being judged. A few years ago (when I was vegetarian) I was feeling blue and put myself on a a steady diet of veggie subs, Doritos, Entenmann’s chocolate chip cookies and Peanut M&M’s. I’d stop at the local Wawa convenience store almost every day after work and stock up on the evening’s depression binge. I’d often feel embarrassed by the mass of junk food that I was buying, and would somehow convince myself that if I bought two drinks, the cashier would think my purchase was for multiple people. It was convenient because then I had two drinks to wash down all the crap!
And now the week’s results:
Stay tuned each Thursday for the stunning weight-loss success stories of our eight contestants. Who will win this year’s competition? Find out on May 31st … just in time for bikini season!
Continuing with yesterday’s Tam-theme, I present you with a series of illustrations based on Tam’s recent tweets. In case you missed it, Tam started a brand new job yesterday. Please enjoy my interpretation of her first day at the new job…
It’s been four months since our last Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser contest drew to a close. Since then, some of our contestants have let their weight slip in the wrong direction. That’s why we’re back with Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2. This time we’re upping the ante and the competition will be more fierce, more exciting, and more … populated! We’re starting this week with 18 players divided into 9 teams. Most of our players from the first BC&RL contest have returned, along with a bunch of new faces. Starting next week, you’ll be voting to eliminate players each week until our finale in about three months. After our winner is crowned, we’ll catch up with all of our eliminated players and award the biggest behind-the-scenes loser with a special prize. Are you excited? So are we! Let’s meet the players…
TYLER-EXIA & BULI-MIKEY Mikey & Ty
Mikey: Mikey is the name; weight loss is my mission. After losing our last competition by gaining weight instead of losing it, I am determined to kick some butt and take names. My basic approach to this will be avoiding all the foods I find to be tasty and fulfilling, so basically I’m going to eat like Adam. I would call it the Ginger diet, but people might think I’m only going to eat ginger root or actual gingers, which would be really gross. I also intend to do something I haven’t done in a very long time: work out. I’m usually morally opposed to this kind of thing as it causes me to sweat, which is not very nice. If I slip on the sweat, I’m going to sue.
Ty: My Goal: Duh, to lose weight. That goal does not include coming to terms with my deeper issues towards food (I like it) and exercise (I hate it). My Plan: To throttle anyone who tells me how he often gets so busy he forgets to eat, or what a high she gets from exercising for five hours every day. I’m not sure yet how that will help me lose weight, but it will definitely make me feel better.
GINGY & THE HAT Adam & Mr. Sombrero
Adam: I’ve grown rather plump in the last few months. Let’s face it: eating is fun. Food is delicious. I like things that are fun and delicious. It’s really the perfect combination. And as my weight began to grow and grow, I knew in the back of my mind that I would be able to lose it all when I was ready. So now it’s time to do that … and it’s kind of awesome that I can drag you all along with me. Make no mistake: I’m going to win BC&RL this time. I’m going to lose a lot of weight in the next three months. And I’m going to destroy you all. It’s just that simple! HAHAHAHA!!! <– evil laughter
Mister Sombrero: Hi, my name is Mr. Sombrero and I’m an alcoholic Adam’s boyfriend. I have a biiiiiiiig sombrero, un mustacho and un grande belly, because I love tacos, burritos, and I can’t say no to an empanada. My weight-loss regiment will include watching Jane Fonda Exercise Videos and the Anything-Cheese Diet®. I would like to point out that I’m a lousy teammate and I have scored in the 100th percentile on the ‘Have You Ever Annoyed Adam’ quiz I can’t wait to win this! Ay-ay-ay!!!!
THE JAILHOUSE LAWYERS Polt & Jere
Polt: Hello all, this is Polt. Along with the baldy beautiful Jere, we make up The Jailhouse Lawyers! I have several plans for the contest. Plan 1: Will the weight to fall off. If that doesn’t work, Plan 2: Have enormous amounts of sex to increase my caloric usage, and work the weight off. If that doesn’t work, Plan 3: Die. Lots of weight falls of when you’re dead. And after all the fast food, Mama Polt’s lard cooked food, and candy I’ve consumed over the past week, I got lotsa weight to lose! I got 
this thing in the bag!
Jere: Hi, I’m Jere. As a law student, stress eating and lack of time for exercise is just a way of life. But I’m hoping to change that in 2011. I’d love to shed the pounds I put on last semester. I would claim I’m doing this to be healthy and blah blah blah, but I really just want to get laid and New York homos can be very shallow.
TEAM OINK Harry & Michelle M.
Harry: I am Harry McFatty. I need to lose a few pounds because I’ve been drinking too much beer.
Michelle M.: Hi! I’m Michelle M. My goal is to be as slender as Joshrico. But I’ll settle for dropping the 10 pounds I’ve been carrying around for the past 10 years or so.
DOCTOR AND THE BUNNYMAN Mel & John
Mel: After a holiday season of chocolate binging, I’ve packed back on a few of the 40 pounds I lost last year. I’m still around 30 pounds lighter than I was at my heaviest, but 
Good Dog am I feeling bloated lately. And strangely, people keep telling me I have this glow about me. Fuckers.
John: (Written By Mel) John is a mysterious man-rabbit who allegedly looks something like the one to the right. Craig & Tam may or may not know otherwise, but they’re not talking. Perhaps out of sheer terror.
TEAM MUSHY CUPCAKE Mush & Ryan
Mush: I wasn’t a fat kid; I’ve been slowly and steadily gaining weight my entire life. This morning, I weighed more than I’ve ever weighed. (These last few weeks of total indulgence have certainly taken their toll!) 
I don’t mind being pudgy, but the land of pudgy borders on the land of fat, as we all know, and THAT JUST AIN’T COOL. I intend to use an online calorie and fitness tracker called Sparkpeople. I’ll also be using bento boxes (to make portion control more fun, because in reality it totally sucks). I’ll also be making a real effort to increase 
my walking, bike riding, number of yoga classes, and I might even do the Two Hundred Situps program again.
Ryan: I’ve discovered that sitting at a desk all day and having french fries at the cafeteria every day is not conducive to keeping one’s pants size. Somehow, I managed to survive the holidays without doing to much damage. Hopefully, this contest will give me the motivation to move around and make my own healthy food.
TEAM COLON BLOW Paul & FDot
Paul: Hey guys, since I am a type 2 diabetic and have not taken care of it for 2 years this is not simply a weight loss contest for me but a need to change my life. I will be seeing the doctor next week and I’m sure he will get me back on my meds, insist on reasonable diet, and regular exercise. My mantra for the year is “lose 50 to get to 50” so watch out! Here comes a future skinny bitch! For now, I need Whitey to help me read the scale.
FDot: I am FDot. I also have an Indian name, but it has a large number of consonants and I forget their order. For recreation, I like to look outside windows. I have already started my plan for this competition by ordering all the weight loss medications I see advertised on TV. In addition to losing weight, I will also suffer liver failure, heart attacks, kidney implosions, an addiction to gambling and uncontrollable sobbing.
CANADIAN BACON Tam & Nathan
Tam: Because I feel like a giant lump of lard that is getting nothing but bigger and bigger, I have chosen to publicly humiliate myself by joining this challenge. My goal is to not get eliminated in the first round due to my weakness for all foods containing 
calories and have my partner hate me for life thus traumatizing him the first week of the competition. Hopefully I’ll be a slightly smaller lump of lard by the end of this process and that we can kick everyone’s ass, without ending up out of breath and in need of oxygen.
Nathan: Due to the rapid expansion of my waistline, I’ve decided to endure this competition. Regardless of how far I make it in this competition, I’ve made a new year’s resolution not to eat out ever (beer exempted) for three months. My main goal in this competition is not to be eliminated first. I have confidence in Tam and I’s capabilities, and we are going to bring it for this
competition!
ENCRAIGO Enrico & Craig
Enrico: Hey y’all. I’m Enrico and I won the first round of BC&RL. After adding on the pounds last time, I’m ready to lose them so I can win again. And let’s be honest, if I lose even 10 pounds, my percentage of body weight lost will probably be greater than the 1 or 2 pounds that everyone else will lose. Adam, get ready to send me a prize… again!
Craig: Hello there! I’m Craig from Puntabulous and even though my Mom says she doesn’t want me to lose a pound, I’d love nothing more than to get rid of my muffin top! Seriously, if you flick my muffin top, my boobs jiggle. No joke! So my goal is to create some healthy habits and eliminate jigglage!
Now that you’ve met all of our contestants, who do you think will win? Place your bets in the comments! And check back next Thursday for the results of our first weigh-in!
That’s right!! It is Thursday, which means that Adam and I get to find out just how naughty you all have been! Below is a list of 25 questions about school misbehavior. For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end, add up your points, and post your total in the comments section. Then we will send you to the principal’s office!
1. Gotten lunch from the school cafeteria?
2. Skipped a class at school?
3. Forged a note from your parents at school?
4. Gotten sent to the Principal’s Office at school?
5. Gotten detention at school?
6. Gotten suspended from school?
7. Gotten expelled from school?
8. Cheated on a test at school?
9. Failed a class at school?
10. Peed in the bathroom at school?
11. Pooped in the bathroom at school?
12. Gone to school drunk?
13. Gone to school stoned or high on another substance?
14. Kissed someone on the bus to or from school?
15. Had oral sex on the bus to or from school?
16. Had vaginal or anal sex on the bus to or from school?
17. Hidden or tried to hide an embarrassing erection (boys) or red spot from your period (girls) at school?
18. Kissed someone at school?
19. Looked at porn at school?
20. Masturbated at school?
21. Had oral sex at school?
22. Had vaginal or anal sex at school?
23. Had a crush on a teacher at school?
24. Kissed a teacher at school?
25. Had any kind of sex with a teacher at school?
Damn! That’s it, you are all expelled from the school of Cocky & Rude! Well …maybe! Post your total in the comments and we’ll see if you make the grade!
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10 Reasons Why I Might Dislike You On Facebook
You can’t stop posting photos of your children
You constantly post photos of sick/sad/dying animals
You do nothing but talk about sports 24/7
Your politics are stupid
You complain constantly
You post a photo of every meal that you eat
You are constantly fishing for pity
You are constantly fishing for compliments
You are wayyyy too attractive
You are way happier than me
So what bugs you on Facebook? (And don’t forget to follow Cocky&Rude!)
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