Tag Archives: Bitches

It’s The Friday Five!

10 Comments Posted by on September 30, 2011

I just looked at the calendar, and ya know what I found?  It’s Friday.  And here at C&R, that can only mean one thing.  We’re all going to sing Rebecca Black songs!  It’s time for the Friday Five:

1. The New TV Season!  Nearly all of the new shows this season are sucking some major shit… but Terra Nova was pretty good.  Did you watch it? (Yea, yea, it’s sci-fi on Fox so I give it about half a season before they cancel it.)  To make up for the lackluster crop of new shows, there’s plenty of great returning series that I’m excited about.  Breaking Bad has been breathtakingly amazing!  Plus It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Parks & Recreation, Fringe, Happy Endings, and Modern Family are all going strong.  And I still love Glee, no matter what you say!

2. Andy Rooney is stepping down from 60 Minutes at the tender age of 472.  Slacker!  I hate lazy people that decide to retire early.  They’re all so smug and rich.  Ugh!  Hate that!  And who is Andy Rooney, anyway?  I’m 31 … does anyone my age watch 60 Minutes?  After a little bit of research, I’ve discovered that he’s a crotchety old geezer with ridiculous eyebrows.  Jesus, man!  Trim your forehead bush!  Here’s some funny videos that make fun of Andy Rooney:

3. Taking personal days off of work is pretty great!  I’ve worked at the same company for about 50 years, and I don’t think I’ve ever just taken a personal day.  I’ve pre-scheduled  ‘personal time’ before, but I’ve never just called out of work without lying about an illness.  “Hey, it’s Adam … I’m going to take a personal day today.  Call me if you need me … I’ll see you tomorrow.”  It’s great!  You should try it!  I did it on Wednesday, so I could take a nap in the afternoon before training my way to NYC to have dinner with Mr. Sombrero and a friend.  By the way, my favorite (made up) sick day excuse: “Hey it’s Adam.  I’m going to take a sick day today.  I’ve been up all night … the diarrhea is just awful.  I must have food poisoning or something.  It’s all over the walls of my apartment.  I think it might even be on the ceiling.  Oh God!  I gotta go!  See ya tomorrow!”  I actually did that.  It received a few hearty chuckles.

4. Beards. I find beards on guys to be incredibly sexy.  And I mean facial hair — not a gay guy’s fake girlfriend that’s on him.  Just to clear that up.  Anyway — I’ve never really had a beard for more than a couple weeks before.  I always end up getting frustrated (because they’re either itchy or begin to act like a drool sponge when I’m sleeping) but I’m totally over my beard’s itchy/sponginess.  All you gotta do is wipe your face off when you wake up.  Use an absorbent material like a paper towel or your boyfriend’s sheet.  It works great!  Yea, so I’m rock’n a beard right now.  And I look goooood.

5. Apples are in season!  Woohoo!  With the beginning of autumn comes apple season.  Yay, cheap delicious fruit at the grocery store!  My three favorite apples are: 1. Jazz, 2. Honeycrisp and 3. Fuji.  Someone bake me some vegan apple crisp with a side of vegan apple pie!  Yum!  I hope that apartment that Tam’s renting in NYC next weekend has an oven … so she can bake for me!  Yay!

That’s it bitches!  My five favorites of the week are: TV, Andy Rooney, Taking Personal Days, Beards and Apples!  What a loverly assortment of favorite things.  I’m totally more creative than that queefing madwoman or that other chick that doesn’t read C&R.  Runners up this week: free food, reading, regularly cleaning your toilet, bursts of energy, fancy nail clippers, my Kindle, exclamation points, masturbating and hardcore gay porn.  Woohoo!

What’s your Friday Five?  Tell me in the comments!

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C&R Fight Club Round 2: Ty vs. Mush vs. Jere!

10 Comments Posted by on September 15, 2011

Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club: ROUND TWO!  The rules to the game are simple.  Each week we’ll re-introduce our fighters.  We’ll give them each a chance to speak their mind.  Then we’ll put the results to vote.  You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…

Each week of Round Two, we’ll drop three Round One winners into the ring and see who remains standing after a 24-hour Cocky & Rude Fight Club vote.  Today’s contestants are: Ty, Mush & Jere!

Our resident Jeopardy! genius, Ty, faced off against the wheelchair-bound genius, Stephen Hawking on July 7th.  The theoretical physicist and cosmologist proved no match for man that tells federal judges what to do, when Ty trounced Hawking with 73% of the popular vote.

I didn’t watch professional wrestling as a kid, and I don’t watch professional basketball as an adult, so I’m not super familiar with the concept of trash talk.  According to my extensive Internet research, I should threaten to kill my opponents and their loved ones, impugn their paternity, and imply that I have had sexual relations with their significant others.  That seems a bit harsh.  So instead, I will say what I said to my opponents on Jeopardy!: “Good luck, suckas!!” -Ty

The following week, Michelle “Mush” Morgan faced off against Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in the epic battle of Mush vs. Rock.  The Rock’s expert wrestling moves and experience hitting people with folding chairs proved useless against Mush’s fiery Mexican food farts and superior IT skills when she beat The Rock with a very close 53% of the popular vote.

Just ’cause you bitches are big, strong, strapping boys don’t mean that my old age and treachery won’t overcome! I will beat your asses! I will dominate! YOU ARE GOIN’ DOWN!!! -Mush

Jere battled the animated twosome, Tom & Jerry in his first C&R Fight Club battle.  Did the cat and mouse’s giant hammers, mouse traps, stinky cheese and presumable invincibility and immortality slow Jere down in his battle?  Nope!  He dragged the cartoons to court, sued (and kicked) their asses with a win of 95% of the popular vote.

Those queens? Please. When I’m done cock-slapping them around this fight, they’re both gonna wish they had never seen me. Let us pray the pimp’s prayer for these bitches. Lord, please pray for the soul of these pussies and guide my pimp hand and make it strooong Lord! So that they might learn a ho’s place. Amen! -Jere

Who will win in the battle of  Ty vs. Mush vs. Jere?  There’s only one rational way to decide who will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.

Check back on Sunday for the results!

Thanks to Michelle M., Ty, Mush & Jere for your assistance with this post!

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Adam’s Fiery Fro!

12 Comments Posted by on June 20, 2011

Last week Adam got the greatest makeover ever. With his upgrade the world is Adam’s oyster. Let’s explore some of the many ways that Adam can capitalize on those comely, carmine curls…

After Adam perfects his “wet on wet technique” he can get busy painting fluffy white clouds and happy little trees.

Sweet Georgia Brown! Adam can go on the road as a Globetrotter and put those ball-handling skills of his to good use.

Don’t you think Paul Simon has been on his own long enough?

A space orgy sounds like something right up Adam’s alley.

Adam, did you bring Kristen Wiig’s Gilly character out of retirement? Adam? Adam? Aaaadam?

What’s funnier than one carrot top? Two carrot tops! This act may require more than the two-drink minimum
- and don’t forget to take care of your server.

Awww… don’t you just want to squeeze the stuffing out of him? Adam will be what everyone wants under their Christmas tree! Or menorah! Or Kwanzaa kinara. Or whatever. sheesh.

Something tells me this is a role Adam could sink his teeth into.

I hear there’s an opening.

Adam better not drop us to hang out with his new rich and famous friends.
Hmmm… I wonder if he can get them to turn vegan…

Screw those other bitches. With his new look, Adam has STAR QUALITY and will always be center stage.

So Adam’s fro – is it fascinating, fancy, flattering, fresh, foxy, flamboyant, fine and fashionable? Or is it a frightening, fetid, fussy, foolish, flawed, fearful, freaky faux pas? Are you a fan or a foe? Let me know in the comments. Be frank!

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Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2: Week 12

8 Comments Posted by on March 24, 2011

A dozen weeks… that’s a really long time!  A long time ago, we started Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2 with 18 players … and now only 3 remain!  Next week we’ll crown a winner, but this week we’ll give the contestants one last chance to wrestle it out and talk some smack.  Let’s get started…

Mush: I am one pound shy of my goal, and I probably would have made it, too, if I hadn’t decided to go to Portland and drink like a fish all weekend. I should win because I have BEEN ON A GODDAMNED DIET FOR TWELVE FUCKING WEEKS and because I’m just basically pretty awesome in general. For a total weirdo. And because right now my G’ma is baking cookies that I won’t be eating and the whole house smells like heaven. Heaven I won’t be eating.

Paul: Win or lose has not been my goal here at all. My goal has been to improve my health and what this contest has done is to help me focus on that goal. I want to with Mush and Ryan the best of luck and congratulate them on their great progress during this contest. Now that the Miss America speech is over, YOU ARE GOING DOWN BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ryan: I should win because I stand for those most American (and Canadian of values): cupcakes, kittens, and comically incompetent robot dogs. I’m actually surprised that I’ve made it this far. I was expecting my initial trash talk to come back to bite me, but I survived to the finals. I would love to win the $250,000 grand prize, but whatever happens, I plan to keep on losing weight so that I blow everyone away at the six-month reunion special. (Note to Polt: Blow everyone away, not blow everyone)

Here’s the part of Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2 where we normally post a chart that illustrates the contestants’ weight loss percentages. BUT for the first time, we’re not going to tell you how they did. Last week there was only a -.36% difference between first and third place … so this contest could go ANY way! Next week we’re reveal the results, but for now, let’s do something a little different. Instead of eliminating a player, we’re going to pick our favorite contestant!  This week, we’ll vote on FAN FAVORITE!  Make your choice:

On Sunday, we’ll post the fan favorite results.  Until then, let’s talk about who we think will win Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2 … in the comments!

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It’s Monday, Let’s Get Manic!

10 Comments Posted by on January 10, 2011

Ladies, gentlemen, and all of our readers that fall into a third category, it’s time to CELEBRATE!  In case you didn’t notice, Cocky & Rude just loaded REALLY quickly.  And it will from now on (let’s hope).  We’ve picked up and moved far, far away from the dreaded GoDaddy hosting servers.  No more failure notices, errors or timeouts.  Cocky & Rude is finally a  functional website!  Yay!

And while I’m glowing with happiness about the new server and site performance, I’m also overcome with so many random other thoughts that are just running willy-nilly around my mind!  Oh, that must be because it’s just another Manic Monday!

I’ve blabbed and blabbed about how much I hate weather in past blog posts, but I feel that I should mention it again.  I hate weather, experiencing it, talking about it, looking at it … it’s ALL. JUST. AWFUL.  And the kind of weather that I especially hate is SNOW.  Ugh!  Awful!  In the past few days, it has snowed twice in my area of NJ!  On Saturday I tried to drive and found myself slip sliding all over the road… and it wasn’t pleasant.  AT ALL.  Down with weather!

Are you ready for the Oscars?  The film nominations won’t even be announced until Tuesday, January 25th (and the Academy Awards aren’t airing until February 27th), but I’m already excited!  The Academy Awards is my favorite award show of the year, and this year it’s hosted by my Hollywood boyfriend: James Franco!  Oh, and Anne Hathaway too, she’s alright.  I’m already trying to see as many buzzy movies as possible.  So far I’ve seen Black Swan, The Social Network, The Kids Are All Right, 127 Hours, The King’s Speech, True Grit, Inception, Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work, and Waiting For ‘Superman’.  I just added Winter’s Bone, Toy Story 3, How To Train Your Dragon, and Despicable Me to my Netflix queue.  I really wanna see The Fighter. Oh, and Netflix has Exit Through the Gift Shop available for instant streaming.  Score!

Speaking of The King’s Speech, I saw it on Sunday and it was fantastic!  ((stammer)) ((stammer)) ((stammer)) Go see it now!  (was that in bad taste?  Sorry!)

Who is going to watch the new season of American Idol?  I’m not sure if I even care about the show anymore now that Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler are going to be sitting at the judge’s table.  On the one hand, I love American Idol.  On the other hand, I miss Simon!

One TV show that I have been obsessed with lately is the UK’s Skins. Wow!  British teen drama goodness!  I love flawed teens that smoke, drink, do drugs, get naked and are constantly banging each other.  I watched the first 4 series over the course of two weeks, and now I’m hungry for more.  I only hope the new MTV version (premiering January 17th) is as good.  What’s that you said?  Oh.  Yea, I doubt it too.

So are you skinny yet?  Our new season of Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser is underway.  The first weigh-in results will be announced on Wednesday.  Then it’ll be your job to eliminate the worst team!  We’ll say goodbye to the first eliminated team on Sunday.  It’s so exciting!

Do I use too many exclamation points when I write?  I feel like I’ve used about 400 so far in this post!!!!

Did you notice that I spelled “Bitches” wrong?  Ooops!  Even worse, I did it last time too.  Maybe I’ll fix it for the next time that we take a weekend off.  Or maybe I won’t!

Did you take down your Christmas decorations yet?  It’s January freak’n 10th.  People, it’s time.  Even if you’re too lazy to take down your stuff, please stop turning on your outside holiday lights.  I love Christmas lights just as much as the next person, but it’s time to let go.

Speaking of Christmas, did you check out everyone’s Trashy Gift Exchange presents?  There was so much great crap being mailed all over the continent, it made me wish that I was a dishonest mailman that could have intercepted all of the packages and kept all the loot for myself.  Too bad I never took that damn civil servant exam.

Alright, enough of all that crap — back to Cocky & Rude.  What do you think of the redesign?  There are also a bunch of new bells and whistles that you should check out.  If you use a mobile device, check out our new mobile site.  Have you moused over your Gravatar to see your Hovercard yet?  (You can add to or update your Hovercard at the Gravatar site.)  When you leave a comment, you can now opt to be notified of follow-up comments.  Our search works better now (at the top, right side of your screen).  And you can even subscribe to Cocky & Rude via email (at the bottom of our menu sidebar).

At Cocky & Rude, we’re 370 blog posts in and going strong.  @CockyAndRude on Twitter recently passed the 110 follower mark.  And we must be doing something right, because you’ve left over 3,000 comments on our site.  Thanks for reading today, and every day … and I hope that you enjoy your Manic Monday!

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