Last year, C&R told you the truth about the first Thanksgiving, and how it lead to the birth of Polt. In case you’ve forgotten, here it is:
About 7000 years ago, this dude named Columbus sailed across the Atlantic Ocean. The Queen of Spain had given him three boats: The Nina, the Pinta and the Titanic. After 14 days and 14 nights, Columbus landed at Plymouth Acclaim Rock where he met Pocahontas and George Washington! Pocahontas was totally turned off by Columbus’s bad style (buckles and funny black hats), so she went off to have a threesome with John Smith and the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Columbus was SO pissed (because Pocahontas had nice tits and he wanted to motorboat them), that he raped a bunch of Native American and gave them all smallpox. Rude!
Polt's Proud Papa!
To celebrate his mascara, Columbus, Lois, Clark and Ernie Hudson all went to an Indian casino and saw a live performance by Barry Manilow! Columbus instantly turned gay and fell in love with Barry. That night they had crazy butt sex. One year later, Baby Polt sprung from Barry Manilow’s loins! Everyone was happy and gave each other blowjobs to commemorate the day of Polt’s birth. Columbus dressed Baby Polt in purple, and fed him a first meal of microwaved Lean Cuisine turkey, apple cobbler and maize.
And so began the American tradition of Thanksgiving: the day in which we all give thanks for Polt. We’ve celebrated it every year on this day since the beginning of time (Polt is very old), and will continue to do so until we become bored with the whole damn thing. (source)
But that’s not quite the end of the story. Today is Black Friday, and wouldn’t you just know it — Polt was there for the very first Black Friday! Here’s how it happened:
6985 years ago, Polt (who was 14, if you do the math) was having sex for the first time with a cute little Asian boy named George Takei. Suddenly, something hit him right in the face! After he wiped himself off, he had a thought: what if the people of the United States celebrated his birth every year by having butt sex with Asians (preferably with hairthings)? Without hesitation, he grabbed his purple iPhone and told Suri Cruise to call his BFF, President Abraham Lincoln.
Polt and A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat enjoy some pornography.
A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat (as Polt used to call him) thought that it was a grand idea, as he had just finished “banging Margaret Cho ‘old-school style’ in the oval office while both Florence Nightingale and Florence Henderson watched.” Polt commended the President on his stellar cocksmanship and wished him a good evening.
The next day, President Lincoln called a special joint session of Congress (it was on a Saturday!) where all the Democrats and douchey Republicans argued about Polt’s idea of Asian Sex Friday. George Washington thought it might be a little “too controversial” and Bill Clinton was concerned that he would only be allowed to have sex once a year. At one point, Al Sharpton just started screaming “racist!” over and over again.
After years of debate, temper tantrums and filibustering (oh, and we can’t forget Polt’s daily nagging messages on Facebook), Congress decided to officially name the day after Thanksgiving: “Butt Sex with a Latin, Indian, Spanish, Caucasian, African, Arabic or Black Friday.” Polt and A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat celebrated the naming of the official holiday by going to see ‘How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying’ on Broadway. In the middle of the performance, Harry Potter zapped A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat in the head with his wand and assassinated him. Bummer!
Over the years, the name of the day after Thanksgiving has been shortened to: “Black Friday.” The meaning has also changed slightly, as it is now associated with shopping. (Because everyone knows that shopping is better than sex!)
And that’s how Black Friday really came to be! Happy Black Friday Birthday, Polt!
“Fear (of vaginas) always springs from ignorance.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Misunderstanding … arising from ignorance breeds fear, and fear remains the greatest enemy of peace (and vaginas). – Lester B. Pearson
Recently our very own Adam shared with us a mean, offensive and misguided post about everyone’s friend – the vagina. His obvious distaste and ignorance is distasteful and ignorant! Vaginas aren’t scary – I’m rather attached to mine. Why, the vagina is a miraculous body part which has been celebrated in fashion:
cinema:
the theater:
pop culture:
cuisine:
and art:
Without vaginas, none of us would even be here! Plus, they’re warm and
cozy and perfect to laze around in on a chilly day:
So, while Adam is free (and encouraged!) to abstain from the ladyflower, I do hope that he will one day overcome his phobia. Or at least stop spewing intolerance and misinformation – such as the following:
1. They’re foreign! What is that thing? It looks like a mess of flappy skin with a hole in the middle. Ew!
They’re not foreign at all. Mine is a U.S. citizen who can vote, run up debt, make fun of Canada, become obese and start wars in the middle east. And Adam, you have a floppy thing with a hole in the middle, too. By the way, did you take biology? You’ve got a lot more than the vagina in your diagram.
2. What’s in there? Teeth? I saw that movie … it was quite eye-opening.
That’s just a myth. Like lightning never striking twice, gum hanging around in your stomach for seven years, Sasquatch or the Puntabuschlong (sorry Polt).
3. They’re smelly! I hear that they often smell of fish sticks and cabbage that has sat in the sun for a bit too long.
Uh, maybe if you never bathe. Mine smells like honeysuckle, cinnamon and baby unicorns.
4. Yeast infections! I’m not even sure what a yeast infection is … but ew! Wash that thing out once and a while!
Men get yeast infections too. I’ve never had one. But then, I don’t bake bread in my vagina.
5. Periods! Menstrual cycle? Yuck! Why is there blood dripping out of your vagina? If it’s bleeding, then maybe you should just let it die!
Oh, but periods are so much fun. Cramps, bloating, mood swings, fatigue…maybe you’re just jealous. Too bad they only last 38 years on average (more or less).
6. Babies come out of them! WTF! How does a freak’n baby fit through that hole? That’s disgusting!
It’s the circle of life Adam! Actually I’m surprised you don’t think babies come from storks or cabbage patches. And disgusting? Perhaps (and don’t forget painful).
7. The clitoris. Straight guys can’t find it … I don’t even know what it is! And upon research … is it just a tiny penis?
For some straight guys this is very true. And very sad. Tragic even.
8. Queefs? My dick never farts … why are there farts coming from your frontside?
Ask Oprah. She seems pretty excited about hers.
9. How do they work? Where does the penis go? Where does the pee come out of? Can Google Maps help me? Please?
Google Maps is not going to help. Try Wikipedia.
10. It’s not a penis! ‘Nuff said!
Can’t argue with that. But, like it or not, the vagina is here to stay. So perhaps we should stop looking at the vagina as an object of horror and instead, embrace this misunderstood bit of anatomy with open arms.
And who knows. Maybe someday Adam will learn to love pussy…
Sometimes they’re fuzzy, sometimes they’re feathered. Occasionally they’re scaly, slimy or wet. They’re your pets! But, Have You Ever…?! We’re about to find out! The rules are simple. For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments section.
Have You Ever…
1. Have you ever had a pet dog? 2. Have you ever had a pet cat? 3. Have you ever had a pet rodent (mouse, gerbil, hamster, rat, rabbit, etc.)? 4. Have you ever had a pet reptile or amphibian? 5. Have you ever had a pet insect? 6. Have you ever had a pet bird? 7. Have you ever worked at a pet store? 8. Have you ever had a pet that gave birth? 9. Have you ever worked or volunteered at an animal shelter, sanctuary (or similar location)? 10. Have you ever adopted a pet from an animal shelter, sanctuary (or similar location)? 11. Have you ever considered a pet to be your best friend? 12. Have you ever talked to your pet? 13. Have you ever made your pet talk back to you in a silly cartoon voice? 14. Have you ever been away from home and desperately missed your pet? 15. Have you ever taken time off of school or work to grieve for the loss of a pet? 16. Have you ever been attacked by a pet? 17. Have you ever killed your pet (accidentally or purposefully)? 18. Have you ever kissed your pet (in a non-sexual way)? 19. Have you ever slept in a bed with your pet (in a non-sexual way)? 20. Have you ever been naked in front of a pet? 21. Have you ever masturbated in front of a pet? 22. Have you ever engaged in sexual activities with another person while a pet was watching you? 23. Have you ever interrupted sexual activities to shoe away or yell at your pet? 24. Have you ever engaged in sexual activities while you or your partner was dressed as a pet (plushy, furry, etc.)? 25. Have you ever committed bestiality by having sex with a pet (or any other animal)?
Please make sure that your point total is leashed, up to date with its shots, and properly reported in the comments.
Sometimes they’re fuzzy, sometimes they’re feathered. Occasionally they’re scaly, slimy or wet. They’re your pets! But, Have You Ever…?! We’re about to find out! The rules are simple. For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments section.
3. Have you ever had a pet rodent (mouse, gerbil, hamster, rat, rabbit, etc.)?
12. Have you ever talked to your pet?
22. Have you ever engaged in sexual activities with another person while a pet was watching you?
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