Tag Archives: bill clinton

Happy Black Friday Birthday, Polt!

4 Comments Posted by on November 25, 2011

Last year, C&R told you the truth about the first Thanksgiving, and how it lead to the birth of Polt.  In case you’ve forgotten, here it is:

About 7000 years ago, this dude named Columbus sailed across the Atlantic Ocean.  The Queen of Spain had given him three boats:  The Nina, the Pinta and the Titanic.  After 14 days and 14 nights, Columbus landed at Plymouth Acclaim Rock where he met Pocahontas and George Washington!  Pocahontas was totally turned off by Columbus’s bad style (buckles and funny black hats), so she went off to have a threesome with John Smith and the Hunchback of Notre Dame.  Columbus was SO pissed (because Pocahontas had nice tits and he wanted to motorboat them), that he raped a bunch of Native American and gave them all smallpox.  Rude!

Polt's Proud Papa!

To celebrate his mascara, Columbus, Lois, Clark and Ernie Hudson all went to an Indian casino and saw a live performance by Barry Manilow!  Columbus instantly turned gay and fell in love with Barry.  That night they had crazy butt sex.  One year later, Baby Polt sprung from Barry Manilow’s loins!  Everyone was happy and gave each other blowjobs to commemorate the day of Polt’s birth.  Columbus dressed Baby Polt in purple, and fed him a first meal of microwaved Lean Cuisine turkey, apple cobbler and maize.

And so began the American tradition of Thanksgiving:  the day in which we all give thanks for Polt.  We’ve celebrated it every year on this day since the beginning of time (Polt is very old), and will continue to do so until we become bored with the whole damn thing. (source)

But that’s not quite the end of the story.  Today is Black Friday, and wouldn’t you just know it — Polt was there for the very first Black Friday!  Here’s how it happened:

6985 years ago, Polt (who was 14, if you do the math) was having sex for the first time with a cute little Asian boy named George Takei.  Suddenly, something hit him right in the face!  After he wiped himself off, he had a thought: what if the people of the United States celebrated his birth every year by having butt sex with Asians (preferably with hairthings)?  Without hesitation, he grabbed his purple iPhone and told Suri Cruise to call his BFF, President Abraham Lincoln.

Polt and A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat enjoy some pornography.

A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat (as Polt used to call him) thought that it was a grand idea, as he had just finished “banging Margaret Cho ‘old-school style’ in the oval office while both Florence Nightingale and Florence Henderson watched.”  Polt commended the President on his stellar cocksmanship and wished him a good evening.

The next day, President Lincoln called a special joint session of Congress (it was on a Saturday!) where all the Democrats and douchey Republicans argued about Polt’s idea of Asian Sex Friday.  George Washington thought it might be a little “too controversial” and Bill Clinton was concerned that he would only be allowed to have sex once a year.  At one point, Al Sharpton just started screaming “racist!” over and over again.

After years of debate, temper tantrums and filibustering (oh, and we can’t forget Polt’s daily nagging messages on Facebook), Congress decided to officially name the day after Thanksgiving: “Butt Sex with a Latin, Indian, Spanish, Caucasian, African, Arabic or Black Friday.”  Polt and A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat celebrated the naming of the official holiday by going to see ‘How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying’ on Broadway.  In the middle of the performance, Harry Potter zapped A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat in the head with his wand and assassinated  him.  Bummer!

Over the years, the name of the day after Thanksgiving has been shortened to: “Black Friday.”  The meaning has also changed slightly, as it is now associated with shopping.  (Because everyone knows that shopping is better than sex!)

And that’s how Black Friday really came to be!
Happy Black Friday Birthday, Polt!

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Have You Ever… Been Scandal-Worthy?!

27 Comments Posted by on June 14, 2011

There’s been a lot of scandal (both political and otherwise) on the news lately.  Of course there’s Anthony Weiner, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Dominique Strauss-Khan, but as I’m sure you’re aware — they’re hardly the first.  And we all know that they won’t be the last.  Could you be the subject of the world next big scandal?  Probably not … but let’s find out anyway.

You know the rules: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.

Have You Ever?!

1. Have you ever committed fraud, conspiracy, money laundering or theft?
2. Have you ever committed perjury?
3. Have you ever employed an illegal alien?
4. Have you ever cheated on your taxes?
5. Have you ever accepted bribes?
6. Have you ever been involved in illegal gambling?
7. Have you ever been involved in any sort of dog fighting or animal abuse?
8. Have you ever cheated on your significant other?
9. Have you ever gotten pregnant or impregnated someone as a result of cheating on your significant other?
10. Have you ever sat with a wide stance and tapped your foot in a public restroom to solicit sex?
11. Have you ever had an intimate encounter with a stranger in a public restroom?
12. Have you ever been forced by a scandal to out yourself as a gay American?
13. Have you ever taken nude photos of yourself?
14. Have you ever sent sexually suggestive tweets, texts, IMs or similar communications to someone?
15. Have you ever IMed, texted or tweeted dirty photos of yourself to someone else?
16. Have you ever IMed, texted or tweeted something racist, profane, or similarly controversial?
17. Have you ever had phone sex or dirty audio conversations with someone else?
18. Have you ever appeared in any state of undress or sexual arousal on Skype, Chatroulette, Manroulette, or any other web-based video communication?
19. Have you ever recorded a sex tape?
20. Have you ever had sex with a prostitute?
21. Have you ever been accused of sexual harassment in the workplace?
22. Have you ever talked about pubic hairs on your can of Coke in the workplace?
23. Have you ever inserted a cigar into someone’s vagina while at your workplace?
24. Have you ever murdered someone?
25. Have you ever raped someone?

The best thing to do right now is to get these indiscretions off your chest by telling us all your point total.  Or many not, if you ever plan to run for political office…

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The Secret Life of the American President

8 Comments Posted by on February 21, 2011

Presidents are weird and magical creatures. That is why we have a federal holiday that celebrates and commemorates them. It was originally going to be called “Super Leader of the World Day,” but the superhero lobby successfully got Congress to pass the 1978 Hero Act, which limits the use of the word “super” to references of masked vigilantes and beings of extra-human capacity. This also lead to the renaming of “Super Vagina Birth Giver Day,” “Super Semen Supplier Day,” and “Super Man from Beyond the Grave.”

The very first president to be honor with this day was Boy George. His daring use of makeup, dreadlocks, and black hats inspired a generation of Americans to wear what they wanted to wear. His biggest impact was on Joan Cusack’s character in Working Girl. Ms. Cusack spent fifteen hours each day getting multiple layers of eye shadow applied to her eyes during the production of that movie. She has stated, “If not for Boy George’s invention of the rainbow brow, my character would have been done up like some old school marm.” Boy George’s enigmatic lyrics confound advanced scholars of pop music, but have undoubtedly inspired generations of poets like Maya Angelou and that other guy. Boy George also cut down a cherry tree to make a cherry pie when he was a child. History has shown that you don’t actually need to cut down the entire tree to make the pie, rather one needs only the fruit, but Boy George’s decision to tell the truth rather than lie to his mum, Queen Elizabeth II, is often lauded as a sign of integrity. Today we call that just plan stupid.

The other important presidents to honor on this day off are the ones with the weird names: Grover Cleveland, Millard Fillmore, and Bill Clinton. Grover Cleveland’s name is funny to say, but if repeated three times very quickly it will invoke a friendly spirit named Charlie. Charlie is very quick to point out that he has no relation to Grover Cleveland and he will ask you to contact the spiritual authorities to have his incantation changed to that of Rutherford B. Hayes, whom he feels has a more pleasant name for repetition. Millard Fillmore is of no relation to the music venue in San Francisco, because he is not now, nor has he ever been a homosexual. In fact, Fillmore is so non-homosexual he had regular heterosexual orgies on the front lawn of the White House a practice that was revived by our final honoree: William Jefferson Clinton. Clinton can’t help that he has such a bizarre name, but what he lost in name caché he did make up for in masculine prowess. Rumored to have a ten inch member, Clinton was a staunch supporter of a woman’s right to choose, even saying “if we don’t let women have abortions, I would have far more illegitimate kids than Henry VIII did.” Clinton is also said to have seduced thirty lesbians away from the homosexual lifestyle, which is a record for a man from Arkansas.

I hope you now know a little bit more about our presidents than you did yesterday, or the day before that, or the day before that even. You may now know far more about the presidents than they themselves actually know about themselves, but every word of this blog is verifiable. I had an extensive discussion with the homeless man who lives outside of my public library just last week and he told me all of these things were based upon books he stole from the library collection to use for toilet paper. If you don’t believe that he or I am telling the truth, you are turning your back on our growing problem of homelessness, which is not very presidential of you at all.

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