Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club: ROUND TWO! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll re-introduce our fighters. We’ll give them each a chance to speak their mind. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
Each week of Round Two, we’ll drop three Round One winners into the ring and see who remains standing after a 24-hour Cocky & Rude Fight Club vote. Today’s contestants are: Ty, Mush & Jere!
Our resident Jeopardy! genius, Ty, faced off against the wheelchair-bound genius, Stephen Hawking on July 7th. The theoretical physicist and cosmologist proved no match for man that tells federal judges what to do, when Ty trounced Hawking with 73% of the popular vote.
I didn’t watch professional wrestling as a kid, and I don’t watch professional basketball as an adult, so I’m not super familiar with the concept of trash talk. According to my extensive Internet research, I should threaten to kill my opponents and their loved ones, impugn their paternity, and imply that I have had sexual relations with their significant others. That seems a bit harsh. So instead, I will say what I said to my opponents on Jeopardy!: “Good luck, suckas!!” -Ty
The following week, Michelle “Mush” Morgan faced off against Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in the epic battle of Mush vs. Rock. The Rock’s expert wrestling moves and experience hitting people with folding chairs proved useless against Mush’s fiery Mexican food farts and superior IT skills when she beat The Rock with a very close 53% of the popular vote.
Just ’cause you bitches are big, strong, strapping boys don’t mean that my old age and treachery won’t overcome! I will beat your asses! I will dominate! YOU ARE GOIN’ DOWN!!! -Mush
Jere battled the animated twosome, Tom & Jerry in his first C&R Fight Club battle. Did the cat and mouse’s giant hammers, mouse traps, stinky cheese and presumable invincibility and immortality slow Jere down in his battle? Nope! He dragged the cartoons to court, sued (and kicked) their asses with a win of 95% of the popular vote.
Those queens? Please. When I’m done cock-slapping them around this fight, they’re both gonna wish they had never seen me. Let us pray the pimp’s prayer for these bitches. Lord, please pray for the soul of these pussies and guide my pimp hand and make it strooong Lord! So that they might learn a ho’s place. Amen! -Jere
Who will win in the battle of Ty vs. Mush vs. Jere? There’s only one rational way to decide who will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to Michelle M., Ty, Mush & Jere for your assistance with this post!
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A friend for john?
In case you didn’t know, everyone’s favorite bunny has decided to get a pet.
Which of these animals will make the cut?
Probably none of these – john seems to be leaning towards a dog. Instead of a parakeet.
Which is silly, because, as everyone knows, parakeets are as good as or even better than dogs.
Why parakeets are better than dogs:
Their poops are smaller and easier to clean up
You’ll never see them pulling a “Toby”
They don’t slobber all over you when you kiss them
They don’t have bad breath
They are cheaper (food, toys, care) than a dog
You don’t need to walk them
They bathe themselves
They will vote for you in important C&R elections
They won’t hump your leg
They sing along to the radio with you
They love youtube
They can fly
They can talk (even though it’s creepy)
They get along well with rabbits
If john does get a dog,
he needs to decide on a breed.
The kid suggested a greyhound – but are greyhounds and rabbits a good mix?
A lab probably isn’t a good idea either…
Tam suggested a Cavalier King Charles spaniel…
Justin didn’t weigh in, but I’m sure he would suggest a Siberian Husky.
David P. suggested a large dog,
while Polt would go for a lap dog. Maybe a poodle, like Mama Polt’s Angel.
I am partial to Shiba Inus.
Or collies. You never know when you might fall down a well.
josh said to get a nice dog.
In one of my favorite Kids In the Hall bits, Bruce McCulloch sings the praises of a terrier:
So many choices!
So, john, if you do end up with a dog, I’m sure the lucky pooch you choose will be a great addition to your life and will provide you with lots of love, joy and companionship. Just don’t put a bandanna on it.
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