According to Wikipedia, handshaking was practiced in ancient Greece as far back as the 5th century BC. And some researchers have suggested the handshake may have been introduced in the Western World by Sir Walter Raleigh during the late 16th century.
Either way, handshaking is gross and I don’t want to do it.
Just thinking about where people’s hands have been makes me cringe.
Germy!
Slimy!
Eeeew!!
Probably didn’t wash their hands!
A clammy, limp handshake is disgusting. Plus, pandemic anyone? Did you know that you are only 6 handshakes away from dying a horrible, excruciating death? Here is a chart, so it must be true.
I move that we find another way of acknowledging each other and abolish handshaking altogether. But what form of greeting should replace the handshake?
The highfive? I would still have to come into contact with a sweaty palm. No thanks.
The fistbump? Touching is still involved. Pass.
The salute? Too formal.
A curtsy? Too fancy schmancy.
A bow? Not bad – but Asian people might think I’m mocking them.
The airkiss? Too phony.
A hug? Fine for friends (or Polt), but if I don’t want to shake your hand,
I certainly don’t want to hug you.
So what does that leave?
It’s the perfect solution. It’s friendly, yet allows one to keep one’s distance.
It works for all ages – from the littleuns’…
to the tweens…
to the oldz.
All the cool kids do it.
As well as human rights leaders,
and deities.
So next time someone wants to shake your hand, avoid that moist, grimy mitt.
Lock and load and fire off those fingerguns!
Welcome to THE FINAL FIGHT OF THE FIRST ROUND OF Cocky & Rude Fight Club! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll introduce our fighters. We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
ERIC CARTMANAKA / Alias / Nicknames: Mr. Cartmanez, The Coon
First Appearance: December 1992 in the short, Jesus vs. Frosty
Place of Birth: South Park, Colorado
Nationality: American
Hair Color: brown
Current Residence: South Park, Colorado
Relationship Status: single
Religion: Roman Catholic
Occupations (current and/or past): Student, occasional politcian, occasional musician, occasional vigilante
Height & Weight: a lot (he’s big boned and has used Weight Gain 3000),
Favorite song: possibly Styx, Come Sail Away
Favorite Food: Pot Pies, Cheesy Poofs
Common Attire: Red shirt, brown pants, black shoes, blue and yellow winter hat
Most Hated: Jews, Hippies, Gingers
Known for: Cartman once murdered the parents of his nemisis (Scott Tenorman, a ginger), ground them up into chili, and fed them to him.
Catch Phrases: “Shut up you stupid Jew,” “Respect my authority,” “No kitty that’s a bad kitty!” and “Screw you guys. I’m going home”
Claim to Fame: Many have tried to kill Eric Cartman, but although he is frequently caprtured or abducted, he continues to thrive on the stupidity of the masses.
Favorite curse word: Shit, Fuck
Voiced by Trey Parker, Cartman is an overweight, immature, spoiled, outspoken, lazy, foul-mouthed, mean-spirited, racist, sexist, anti-semitic, sociopathic, narcissistic, and ill-tempered third- then fourth-grader living with his mother in the fictional town of South Park, Colorado, where he routinely has extraordinary experiences not typical of conventional small-town life. Cartman is one of the most popular characters on the show and has remained one of the most recognizable television characters ever since South Park became a hit during its first season. Parker and Stone describe the character as “a little Archie Bunker”, and state that he is their favorite character, and the one with whom they most identify. During its fifteen seasons, South Park has received both praise and criticism for Cartman’s tendency to be politically incorrect and shockingly profane. Prominent publications and television channels have included Cartman on their lists of the most iconic television and cartoon characters of all time. Eric Cartman’s secret weapons include: the utter lack of a conscious, the drive to do and get anything he wants, and uncompromising hatred towards anything that crosses him.
ADAMAKA / Alias / Nicknames: Adam-Shmadam, Sully, Gingy
Date of Birth: July 5th, 1980
Place of Birth: Somerville, NJ
Nationality: American Mutt
Hair Color: reddish blondish brownish
Current Residence: Ringoes, NJ
Relationship Status: dating Mr. Sombrero
Religion: atheist
Occupations (current and/or past): graphic artist, retail, receptionist, mail room clerk, library page
Height & Weight: more and more every day, 6ft
Favorite song: The Beatles, While My Guitar Gently Weeps
Favorite Food: anything vegan and delicious
Common Attire: plaid, flip flops
Most Hated: Racists, The R-Word, Pickles, Mustard
Known for: thinking vaginas and penises are gross
Catch Phrases: “Craig has a small penis”
Claim to Fame: Prolific blogger, has never made a mistake in his life
Favorite curse word: “Goddamn Mother Fucker!”
Everyone’s favorite blogger (no, not Craig) is finally ready to fight. After 17 Cocky & Rude Fight Club bouts, the ringleader is stepping into his ring. Here’s his story… Adam was born a little over 31 years ago to rich, famous and well-connected parents. But his luck quickly ran out when he was accidentally swapped by an inattentive hospital worker. Thus he was given to a family of more average fortunes. In his new family, he became a middle child, starved for attention at all times. A public school education left him feeling empty and unfulfilled, as did college. He stumbled into a career of graphic arts, where he excels but is rarely appreciated. Almost by accident, he created Cocky & Rude, where his true potential has been so perfectly realized. Adam is a master of poop jokes, silliness, grossness, games, quizzes and urine photography. Adam’s secret weapons include the great powers of plaid, his loyal (and psychotic) Spring, an army of ceramic garden gnomes, a red Honda Fit, and a urine-soaked digital camera.
Who will win in the battle of ERIC CARTMAN vs. ADAM? Will Cartman defeat Adam with his hatred of gingers and hippies? Or will Adam use his plaid shirts and cocky and rude attitude to conquer Cartman? There’s only one rational way to decide which fighter will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to Michelle M. for your assistance with this post!
Tomorrow is a very special day for a very special guy. It’s Adam’s birthday! Hurray!! In celebration of this momentous occasion, may I present – “When He’s Thirty-One*.”
* sung to the tune of The Beatles “When I’m Sixty-Four.”
When he gets older, gray in his ginge,
Not too long from now,
Will he be as wrinkly as a leather bag?
Will he start to look like a hag?
Once he has age spots, walks with a cane,
Will he be as fun?
Will he still tease us, will he still please us,
When he’s thirty-one?
Oooooooo
Will he lose his mind?
Joints start to creak and pop,
Hope he won’t go blind.
Can he stay outré, cheeky and brash,
As the days go by?
Mellowing with age might modify his ‘tude,
I hope he stays cocky and rude.
Yelling at children, “Get off my lawn!”
Fly always undone,
Will he still tease us, will he still please us,
When he’s thirty-one?
Years advance, he poops his pants, Depends, Ensure, there is no cure,
for old – now he smells like pee.
Dementia’s made him vague,
Commenters stay away,
Mikey, Polt and Craig.
Passing out Werthers, gumming his food,
Trying to get it up,
Osteoporosis, disease and decay,
He’s sincerely rotting away.
Hearing loss, hemorrhoids, varicose veins,
Old age has begun.
Will he still tease us, will he still please us,
When he’s thirty-one?
Poo!
Are you really, really old? Or maybe you’re really, really, really old? Dust yourself off, prop yourself up, and answer these questions quickly. You might die soon. You know the drill! For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points, and post your total in the comments section.
1. Did you see Star Wars in the theater in 1977?
2. Did you ever fight Hitler?
3. Were you there when Washington crossed the Delaware?
4. Do you remember when Pong was cutting edge?
5. Have you ever ridden a High Wheel Bicycle?
6. Have you ever owned a slave?
7. Have you ever played lawn darts?
8. Have you ever started a car with a hand crank?
9. Have you ever seen a test pattern on TV?
10. Did you ever have sex before “safe sex”?
11. Do you yell at war movies, “That’s not how it happened!!” …which you know, because you were there?
12. Have you ever given makeup tips to Cleopatra?
13. Are you hoarding state quarters and 2 dollar bills, but you don’t know why?
14. Have you ever purchased something from a TV home shopping show?
15. Have you ever ridden on the back of a brontosaurus?
16. Would you be reallllly rich right now if your mom hadn’t thrown away all your comic books?
17. Have you ever seen The Beatles perform live?
18. Have you ever pledged allegiance to a flag with less than 50 stars?
19. Did you ever own a car phone?
20. Did you ever own a giant mobile phone?
21. Do you remember computers without mouses?
22. Do you remember computers with punch cards?
23. Did you ever walk from Asia to North American?
24. Has a page of a Sears Roebuck catalog ever cleaned your bum?
25. Do you have gray pubes?
OMG you’re ancient! Now shove your saggy parts out of the way and tell us your score.
Details are sketchy as to where Mikey has disappeared to this week. We’ve been told that he’s on vacation, but very little else. In attempt to fill in a number of story gaps that don’t really exist in the first place, I will draw sweeping conclusions based on almost nothing (tweets, facebook statuses and my own sick imagination):
He may be in Mexico by now.
Adam Carolla: Get up in that.
It all started when Mikey crossed the border into Delaware on August 14th at 9:10am. From there he “entered Maryland!” at 11:05am. Less than an hour later, he tweeted: “And Virginia welcomes us!!!” At 3:26pm, he was in North Carolina. Then at 6:54, he tweeted: “Holla! We’re in Corolla!” At this point, I’m assuming that he was hanging out with Ellen Degeneres (because she’s the only person on Earth that still says “Holla!”) and that Mikey and/or Ellen was “inside” (sexually) Adam Carolla. I’m picturing a filthy gang bang, and I’m sorry — it’s not a pretty picture.
From there, I made the fatal mistake of commenting: “Your tweets/statuses are boring. Please make them better.” Suddenly, his tweets about sexual exploits and interstate travel stopped. I have quickly imagined a globe in my mind, and have scientifically determined that Mikey may be in Mexico by now. Or maybe even Brazil. After all, he left us 5 days ago and we have yet to determine the end point of his travels.
Where ever he is, they have theme days at the beach.
I don't care what you say anymore, this is my beach.
Where ever Mikey’s vacation stopped, there is a beach. And on this beach, they have musical theme days. On Tuesday at 9:31am, we read: “Yes! It’s Michael Jackson day at the beach!” On Wednesday at 10:30am, we were asked: “Who’s ready for Billy Joel day at the beach?” to which he answered, “This guy!” A quick Google search leads me to believe that this beach must be in a remote location because there are no beaches on the Internet that advertise musical theme days. One can only imagine which other classic rock icons are celebrating their own theme days. The Beatles? Neil Diamond? Kris Kross?
He may be balding.
Skin cancer can kill, so one must always remember to wear sunblock. For gingers like myself, I suggest an SPF of about 30 million. For Mikey, I suggest at least an SPF of 30. For most guys (like myself) who sport a thick head of hair, it’s not really necessary to apply sunblock to the scalp. The hair simply shades my scalp from the unrelenting sun beams. But for Mikey, who announced “I got sunburn on my scalp!” via Facebook status at 5:33pm on Monday, a hairy head may not have been enough. It’s easy to surmise the obvious: since he left us, Mikey has gone completely bald. Further, his scalp probably now looks like overcooked vegan bacon.
He’s feeding on nothing but cheese balls, alcohol and Nutella.
A typical lunch.
Although photographic evidence of cheese ball consumption is all that our team of Cocky & Rude investigative reporters have been able to get their hands on, we have first-hand evidence of more. In yesterday’s Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser update, Mikey claimed to be consuming “tons of yummy food” and as many as “4,000 cheese balls, 7 bottles of wine, and a cup of Nutella.” Later tweets have mentioned “Watermelon Martinis.” Lots of binging and no tweets about purging can only mean one thing: after his gluttonous vacation, Mikey is a shoe-in for the BC&RL placing of Rudest Loser.
Seriously, who eats a "cup" of Nutella?
Further, his rampant hash tagging, misspellings and poor grammar can only mean one thing: he’s completely drunk. Watch out, people of Mexico and beyond! A drunk Mikey has come to town, and it’s only a matter of time before he strips naked and jumps into your swimming pool.
I beg you, people of Brazil, send Mikey back to us. We need to reintroduce him to well-rounded vegan meals! We need to send him to AA! We need to fit him with hair plugs, extensions and novelty toupees! We need to lather him in sunscreen! We need him to start blogging again, because goddammit, I’m tired! Mikey, come back to us!
Note: In the event that Mikey doesn’t return, I’ve already begun to court his replacement.
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It’s a C&R Dance Party!
Forget the CD Exchange (if I don’t participate, it doesn’t exist) let’s have a music exchange right here at Cocky & Rude! Each time we have a C&R Dance Party, I’ll name a theme for the day and you’ll post your responses in the form of a YouTube video in the comments. And don’t forget to dance!
Today’s Theme Is: The Beatles!
What is one of your favorite Beatles songs, covers or mash-ups?
Link us to a YouTube video in the comments and tell us why you picked it.
Feel free to answer more than once!
Yesterday I listened to most of The Beatles 2006 remix album, Love. I absolutely love Blackbird/Yesterday, in which the classic Blackbird provides a wonderful introduction for Yesterday. It’s truly beautiful, and I always find myself overcome with emotions while listening to it. Here it is, for you to enjoy (and feel free to squirt a few tears while listening):
Now it’s your turn!
(And by the way, if your video doesn’t post in the comments correctly, FEAR NOT!
I’ll fix it as soon as I get a chance)
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