Last year, C&R told you the truth about the first Thanksgiving, and how it lead to the birth of Polt. In case you’ve forgotten, here it is:
About 7000 years ago, this dude named Columbus sailed across the Atlantic Ocean. The Queen of Spain had given him three boats: The Nina, the Pinta and the Titanic. After 14 days and 14 nights, Columbus landed at Plymouth Acclaim Rock where he met Pocahontas and George Washington! Pocahontas was totally turned off by Columbus’s bad style (buckles and funny black hats), so she went off to have a threesome with John Smith and the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Columbus was SO pissed (because Pocahontas had nice tits and he wanted to motorboat them), that he raped a bunch of Native American and gave them all smallpox. Rude!
Polt's Proud Papa!
To celebrate his mascara, Columbus, Lois, Clark and Ernie Hudson all went to an Indian casino and saw a live performance by Barry Manilow! Columbus instantly turned gay and fell in love with Barry. That night they had crazy butt sex. One year later, Baby Polt sprung from Barry Manilow’s loins! Everyone was happy and gave each other blowjobs to commemorate the day of Polt’s birth. Columbus dressed Baby Polt in purple, and fed him a first meal of microwaved Lean Cuisine turkey, apple cobbler and maize.
And so began the American tradition of Thanksgiving: the day in which we all give thanks for Polt. We’ve celebrated it every year on this day since the beginning of time (Polt is very old), and will continue to do so until we become bored with the whole damn thing. (source)
But that’s not quite the end of the story. Today is Black Friday, and wouldn’t you just know it — Polt was there for the very first Black Friday! Here’s how it happened:
6985 years ago, Polt (who was 14, if you do the math) was having sex for the first time with a cute little Asian boy named George Takei. Suddenly, something hit him right in the face! After he wiped himself off, he had a thought: what if the people of the United States celebrated his birth every year by having butt sex with Asians (preferably with hairthings)? Without hesitation, he grabbed his purple iPhone and told Suri Cruise to call his BFF, President Abraham Lincoln.
Polt and A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat enjoy some pornography.
A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat (as Polt used to call him) thought that it was a grand idea, as he had just finished “banging Margaret Cho ‘old-school style’ in the oval office while both Florence Nightingale and Florence Henderson watched.” Polt commended the President on his stellar cocksmanship and wished him a good evening.
The next day, President Lincoln called a special joint session of Congress (it was on a Saturday!) where all the Democrats and douchey Republicans argued about Polt’s idea of Asian Sex Friday. George Washington thought it might be a little “too controversial” and Bill Clinton was concerned that he would only be allowed to have sex once a year. At one point, Al Sharpton just started screaming “racist!” over and over again.
After years of debate, temper tantrums and filibustering (oh, and we can’t forget Polt’s daily nagging messages on Facebook), Congress decided to officially name the day after Thanksgiving: “Butt Sex with a Latin, Indian, Spanish, Caucasian, African, Arabic or Black Friday.” Polt and A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat celebrated the naming of the official holiday by going to see ‘How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying’ on Broadway. In the middle of the performance, Harry Potter zapped A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat in the head with his wand and assassinated him. Bummer!
Over the years, the name of the day after Thanksgiving has been shortened to: “Black Friday.” The meaning has also changed slightly, as it is now associated with shopping. (Because everyone knows that shopping is better than sex!)
And that’s how Black Friday really came to be! Happy Black Friday Birthday, Polt!
Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll introduce our fighters. We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
TOM HANKS
Full Name: Thomas Jeffrey Hanks
Date of Birth: July 9, 1956 (age 54)
Place of Birth: Concord, California, U.S.
Current Residence: Beverly Hills, California, U.S.
Relationship Status: Married to Rita Wilson (1988–present)
Children: Colin, Elizabeth, Chester, Truman
Occupation: Actor, producer, director, voice over artist, writer, speaker
Top Grossing Projects: Hanks is ranked the highest all time box office star with over $3.639 billion total box office gross, an average of $107 million per film. He has been involved with seventeen films that grossed over $100 million at the worldwide box office. The highest grossing film he has starred in is 2010′s Toy Story 3.
Political Affiliation: Democrat
Famous Role: Andrew Beckett in Philadelphia, the title role in Forrest Gump, Commander James A. Lovell in Apollo 13, Captain John H. Miller in Saving Private Ryan, Joe Fox in You’ve Got Mail, Chuck Noland in Cast Away, and voicing the character Woody in the Toy Story series.
Favorite curse word: “Horseshit, not bullshit, that is a very different word, horseshit is a very specific thing”
It’s no exaggeration to say that Tom Hanks is one of the most famous men in Hollywood. As an actor, producer, director, writer, voice-over artist and speaker, his film projects have grossed over 3.639 billion dollars. The quintessential nice guy has been nominated five times for an Oscar, and has won twice. Hanks has also distinguished himself from other megastars by staying in the spotlight but out of the tabloids, with a stable off-screen life with his actor wife, Rita Wilson, and their children. Hanks’ secret weapons include kindness, Oscar beatings, a group of powerful friends (including Stephen Spielberg and Ron Howard), prop guns from Saving Private Ryan, exceptional foot speed (see: Forrest Gump) and the ghost of Abraham Lincoln (a distant relative).
FDot
AKA / Alias: Tim, Flinker, Big Pimpin’ Flink
Date of Birth: 4/30/1973 (A Monday, meaning I’m fair of face)
Place of Birth: St. Vincent’s Hospital, Greenwich Village, NYC (now closed)
Current Residence: Mamaroneck, NY
Relationship Status: Involuntarily Single
Occupation: Certified English and Special Education Teacher; Taxi Dispatcher; Wit and Raconteur
Salary: Far less than is currently needed to sustain my Vanderbilt levels of spending.
Height & Weight: 6 Feet 0 Inches; 188lbs and dropping
Hobbies: Movies, Lamenting the lack of romance in my life, Pointing out the faults of others. Breathing, Air Hockey
Favorite Movies:The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Clue, Annie Hall, Laura, Safety Last, Le Fils, Hellphone
Top Grossing Projects: $50 on that scratch-off lottery ticket. Stoners was accepted into a few film festivals.
Political Affiliation: Registered Independent
Famous Role: I appeared as ‘Flinker’ in the Documentary, Stoners
Famous Catch Phrases: “Don’t fuck with Flink” “Sorry, you can’t pass. Next time, try actually doing some work.”
Secret Weapons: The power to charm others with my innocence and naivete. The power to self-preserve myself over others.
Fan Favorite, FDot, is a worthy opponent for Tom Hanks. Here’s his story, in his own words: “Found abandoned in a hallway of a Greenwich Village hospital, I was raised by the Mole People of NYC until I was 6. Sent out on a quest to gather scraps of food from high end restaurants, I was discovered by a middle-aged couple and taken to live in the suburbs. The rest of my formative years were spent in Catholic grammar and high schools. I entered the teaching profession as a way to hang on to my youth, a youth that keeps me looking much younger than my physical age. My days are spent hanging up on telemarketers while my nights are spent looking for a social life. I once ran over a squirrel with my car. I enjoy listening to music with the sound turned off. I believe in unexplained phenomena and the spirit world, as some spirits owe me money. I have been known on occasion to eat food, especially if someone else is paying. Mostly, I stay quiet in the background and observe, waiting for the perfect moment to arrive.” FDot’s secret weapons include: “the power to charm others with my innocence and naivete and the power to self-preserve myself over others.”
Who will win in the battle of Fan Favorite vs. Fan Favorite? Both contestants are the beloved by the world … but there can only be one winner. Will Hanks drop his nice-guy persona and smash FDot over the head with one of his Oscars? Or will FDot blind Hanks with the burning glow of his innocence before sneaking in for the kill? There’s only one rational way to decide which fighter will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want.That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to FDot & Michelle M. for your assistance with this post!
A long time ago on a blog very much like this one, I started a bunch of games of Broken Picture Telephone. Through my neglect it took forever to get the second round of this game to come to a close. My apologies for the delay, but I truly feel it was well worth the wait. Want a closer look? Click each image to see it at its full resolution.
Alice was shocked when the water balloon burst in her face – Mikey
Josh's artwork
An evil clown and the monkey riding on his head broke a balloon which frightened the teenage girl and made her drop her lollypop. -Tam
Adam's artwork
“As Tam was strolling topless through Ottawa’s Thanksgiving Day street festivities, an evil clown and his monkey sidekick appeared to pop her balloon, also causing her to drop her lollipop.” – Mel
Michelle's Art
“Overt displays of American patriotism are grotesque, militaristic, jingoistic, pretentious, often sexually puerile, overuse images of children and anthropomorphic animals, and slather on a forced festiveness that leaves me cold,” said Tam, as she hurried to the candy store to get more lollipops. – David
Kristen "the Kid" 's Art
“Canadians complain that while $5 CA can only buy a lollipop, the U.S.A. basically says to them, “Fuck You, our $5 US can do anything from funding the Olympic Women’s Gymnastics team, help influence a Congressmen’s vote on arms control, or even act as a gratuity for a breakdancing street performer. Suck on that Ottawa, eh?” – FDot
Craig's Art
“Being super-polite, the Canadian had to ask if it was okay to eat his lollipop. So, knowing that Americans only really liked guns, balloons, chicks with wide open legs and breakdancing, Abe gave the finger to the Canadians and told him to fuck off and “suck it”!” – Polt
Enrico's Art
We are insane. What we have done to Tam alone could land us in court for defamation of character. I apologize to Tam (as did many of the artists who worked on that Tam phase). I hope you have enjoyed our second game.
Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll introduce our fighters. We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
TOM HANKS 
FDot 
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