We shall start with two categories that people don’t pay much attention to at all. And that is a real shame, because they are two very important indicators of whether a movie was actually good: the Writing Awards. In Adapted Screenplay, it is most likely a threeway race between Moneyball, Hugo and The Descendants. You can probably eliminate Moneyball, because Aaron Sorkin just won and the movie was well reviewed but didn’t really go anywhere at the box office. This leaves us with the final two. Who comes out on top? The Descendants. Why? Because the Academy loves Alexander Payne, they love awarding writer/directors and it just won the Writer’s Guild of America award for Adapted Screenplay (and as you may or may not know, Academy members vote based upon the craft that brought them to the Academy. This means that there is significant overlap between the WGA and the Academy voters on screenplays). But who should win? I would probably have to say Hugo, which I’m basing entirely on the fact that writing in the other pictures wasn’t that great and I haven’t seen Hugo yet.

Now that you have listened to me go on and on about the Adapted Screenplay, you will have to hear me go on and on about the Original Screenplay. Well actually, there isn’t much to say here other than the fact that Midnight in Paris is a sure thing AND it actually should win. Why? No one has actually seen Margin Call or A Separation (although I’m sure we all probably should), The Artist was cute but not a revelation in writing, and Bridesmaids got a nod because of how much money it made and since it was written by two women (which is drastically and stupidly rare in Hollywood). Midnight in Paris is one of Woody Allen’s best works and he deserves to take home another statue for it.

From the very high, we go to the very low. For possibly the first time since the introduction of the Animated Feature category, I am not excited about any of the nominees. This is undoubtedly connected to the fact that Disney/Pixar’s hit and statue machine wasted our brains with a sequel to that crappy Cars movie. Oh well…so I’m going to guess that Rango will rise above the dreck and take home an undeserved award. And in case you are wondering, I think that none of the nominated movies deserves the award.

In the Best Director Category, we have a lot of talent competing for one chance at glory. Every nominee has been nominated or won the statue before, except for The Artist‘s Michel Hazanavicius. But he will most likely be the only name you need to know. With Woody Allen almost assured of the writing prize, that leaves this as a three way race between Scorcese for Hugo, Payne for The Descendants, and Hazanavicius. Hazanavicius has the momentum, having nearly swept most of the previous awards, and the fact that everyone loves to get a big star to repeatedly say that long of a name. I’m pretty sure they will have to work on their elocution before reading the name in that envelope. As for who should win, I’m going to have to say that Woody Allen is the one who probably should be getting more attention than he is.

Now we are on to the categories that you most likely actually care about. Why? Because the people in them are famous and will probably be wearing something tragic. The Supporting Actor and Actress categories are pretty definitively going to Christopher Plummer for Beginners and Octavia Spencer for The Help. Mr. Plummer has a long and storied career in the business and his performance in Beginners was perfect. He deserves the award for putting in long years of service and NOT phoning in a role at his age. Ms. Spencer is likeable and you will most likely remember her from any number of roles she did on TV, but she does not deserve to walk away with this award. Her performance in The Help was great, but I would rather see the award go to Janet McTeer of Albert Nobbs. McTeer is a gifted and versatile actress who doesn’t get nearly enough attention (sort of like Tilda Swinton).

And finally we get to the big battles of this Oscar night: Best Actor and Best Actress. Over on the male side, everyone is talking about this being a fight between friends Brad Pitt and George Clooney, but they are overlooking the fact that Jean Dujardin has the momentum of The Artist and a Screen Actor’s Guild award. My money is on him stealing the award from the both of them. In the end, I think the award should actually go to Dujardin too. The Artist was not the deepest movie of the year, but its premise was risky and its success relies heavily on Dujardin’s earnest performance as silent era film star George Valentin. On the clitoral side of the rope, we have a big showdown between Meryl Streep in The Iron Lady and Viola Davis in The Help. Both actresses gave strong performances, but both have things working against them. Streep’s film went no where in the theatres and her status as perpetually nominated might hold her back; Davis has given much stronger performances in much stronger films and her role is actually a supporting one (because the WHITE people are really in charge here). So who will win and who should win? My gut is telling me that this is Meryl’s year to take the podium again, which she actually hasn’t done in almost 30 years, and I have a feeling she deserves it.

The last award is the most coveted of the night: Best Picture. There are 9 movies nominated this year for Best Picture, but only five of them really have a chance: The Artist, The Descendants, The Help, Hugo & Moneyball. The other four nominees aren’t really in the competition and, aside from Midnight in Paris, don’t even deserve to be nominated. Of the five movies in the running, the two with the best shot at taking home the prize are Hugo and The Artist, the two movies with movie making in their plot. That means the award will come down to momentum and exposure, which means that The Artist will be the first silent film since Wings to win the Oscar for Best Picture. In the end, I would have to say that the award for Best Picture should go to Midnight in Paris. In this pool of frankly mediocre nominees, Allen’s is the most elegant and memorable. This all pains me because I loathe Owen Wilson and I hated him in this movie, but I have to honestly say that I think this should be Mr. Allen’s year.

So I may be right and I may be wrong…but that’s all I have to say about this year’s Oscars. I will, of course, be live tweeting the telecast….so get your phones and or computers ready!

My new haircut looks something like this.

Much like the ‘Friday Five’, the ‘Thursday Four’ is an exploration of great things.  …except there are four things instead of five.  …and it’s Thursday and not Friday.  …and it doesn’t really have the same ring as ‘Friday Five’.  OH WELL!  This week Michelle M. and I got together (figuratively, not literally) to present these four great things to you.  Read ‘em and weep, suckers!

1. Grooming myself! (and having other people groom me.)  This week I trimmed my beard really short, AND got a haircut!  I look marvelous!  I’d post a photo, but I’ve gotten so fat that I hardly look like myself anymore.  (Hurray for BC&RL3!)  Either that or I’m just super lazy tonight.  ANYWAY — I love having a closely shorn head and face.  Is that weird? -Adam

Fuck you, Chris Christie!

2. Chris Christie vetoed gay marriage!  After I’ve finally gotten over the fact that he fired every teacher in NJ, I needed a new reason to hate that fat Republican fuck.  And he did not disappoint — last week he vetoed gay marriage!  Yay Chris Christie!  Now I have a reason hate you forever.  If I ever see you in person, I promise to spit on you.  People just don’t spit on each other enough these days.  Unless they need emergency lubrication — but that’s a whole ‘nother story. -Adam

3. Downton Abbey* – what a great show. Season two has just ended, but there will be a season three, and Shirley MacLaine will play Lady Cora’s mother. Yay! Here is a clip from Saturday Night Live if you haven’t been watching and would like a rundown on the show. – Michelle M.

They see me rollin', they hatin', patrollin' Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty.

4. And look! There are Downton Abbey paper dolls, in case you’re going through DA withdrawal like me. I love the faces for the Chicken Lady, er, Dowager Countess, O’Brien’s evil soap and Mr. Pamuk. – Michelle M.

Runners up: The Good Wife*, reusable shopping bags, complaining, spending other people’s money, liquid wart remover,lazy posts, pregnant ladies, selling crap on eBay, adorably tiny bottles of diet soda, eating like a pig before BC&RL3, and hardcore gay pornography.

That’s our Thursday Four … what’s yours?

*Why isn’t this show on Our T.V. Night??

Normally I avoid all things BSA (because, well, I’m not “morally straight“) but this
was too good to pass up.  Of course, I had to make a few additions to the color chart.
I’m sure these will all be included in the next edition of the Boy Scout handbook.

Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3

You can refer back to the rules, schedule & overview any time over the next three months by clicking on the page tab across the top of this webpage.

Already expressed interest in season 3: Adam, Bertha, Craig, Michelle M., Mikey, Polt, Ryan, Tam, TwoPi & Ty

The rules are simple: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.

Have You Ever?!

1. Have you ever had a muscle sprain or strain?
2. Have you ever torn ligament or tendon?
3. Have you ever fractured a bone?
4. Have you ever fractured a bone so badly that it broke through the skin?
5. Have you ever injured a knee, ankle or wrist?
6. Have you ever injured your back?
7. Have you ever sustained an electric shock?
8. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
9. Have you ever needed pain killer medication?
10. Have you ever dislocated a joint?
11. Have you ever had a head wound?
12. Have you ever needed surgery?
13. Have you ever needed stitches?
14. Have you ever suffered a traumatic brain injury?
15. Have you ever suffered a spinal cord injury?
16. Have you ever needed to use crutches?
17. Have you ever needed a cast?
18. Have you ever needed to go to the emergency room?
19. Have you ever needed to go to the hospital in an ambulance?
20. Have you ever been punched in the face?
21. Have you ever been stabbed?
22. Have you ever been shot by a gun?
23. Have you ever lost a limb?
24. Have you ever been decapitated?
25. Have you ever died?

Tell us your total and war stories in the comments!

 Craig’s penis. Discuss.

Here’s a cat giving birth:

Here’s a hissing cockroach giving birth:

Here’s a goat giving birth:

I refuse to watch a human being born on YouTube, but I can assume it’s
1000 times more disgusting than any of those.

What do you think?

February 14th – 21st is National Condom Week!

The rules to Have You Ever?! are simple: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.

Have You Ever?!

1. Have you ever worn a condom?
2. Have you ever purchased condoms?
3. Have you ever brought a friend with you while you bought condoms to make it less uncomfortable?
4. Have you ever bought condoms while with the person you intended on using them with?
5. Have you ever witnessed a condom being put onto a banana in school?
6. Have you ever used a female condom?
7. Have you ever stretched a condom over your head?
8. Have you ever inflated a condom like a balloon?
9. Have you ever used condoms as water balloons?
10. Have you ever thrown away condoms because they had expired?
11. Have you ever practiced putting on a condom by yourself so you were better at it when the opportunity arose later on?
12. Have you ever masturbated while wearing a condom?
13. Have you ever ejaculated into a condom?
14. Have you ever used a condom with a sex toy?
15. Have you ever put a condom onto someone else?
16. Have you ever performed fellatio on partner that was wearing a condom?
17. Have you ever engaged in sexual activities while wearing a condom?
18. Have you ever engaged in sexual activities while a partner was wearing a condom?
19. Have you or a partner ever worn a condom that was ribbed for his or her pleasure?
20. Have you or a partner ever worn a glow-in-the-dark condom?
21. Have you or a partner ever worn a flavored condom?
22. Have you or a partner ever worn a Magnum (or other brand extra-large) condom?
23. Have you or a partner ever broken a condom while engaging in sexual activities?
24. Have you ever drank ejaculate out of a condom?
25. Have you ever saved a used condom?

Happy Valentine’s Day!

THIS CONTEST CLOSED Thursday, February 23rd, 2012 at 11:59:59PM EST, LATE ENTRIES WILL NOT BE ACCEPTED.

COCKY & RUDE OSCAR CONTEST BALLOT

Limit one entry per person and per IP address. If multiple entries are submitted, only your first will be counted. Contest entries must be submitted on or before Thursday, February 23rd, 2012 at 11:59:59PM EST. No late entries will be accepted. In the case of a tie, a single winner will be randomly selected by Adam. “Best Dressed” and “Worst Dressed” categories do not count towards or against your final score. Contest winners and all rankings will be announced at 12:01AM EST on Tuesday, February 28th, 2012. If there are any conflicts, Adam has the final determining say. Prize will be mailed to the winner within one week of announcement.

In the comments, tell us your favorite movie, actor, actress or director of the year, whether or not they were nominated. Good luck & thanks for playing!

What was Spring thinking when Adam stuck a slice of bread on her face?!
Leave your thoughts in the comments!
Submit your potential What Were They Thinking?! photos to: cockyandrudedotcom@gmail.com

More on Cat Breading…

From Polt: What did I love about this week?  Freshly laundered bedsheets, still warm from the dryer.  Slapping these little slices of heaven right on the bed and then sliding between them, rolling onto your side, pulling the sheet up to your nose and making yourself a little cocoon of warm, comfy, lavender-scented awesomeness is one of life’s greatest pleasures!  Next to a night with three Asians with hairthings spent on those sheets.  Yeah, that would be better.

From Tam: My new favourite thing is PC Caramelized Red Onion Chutney. At our house we hate mustard and we hate mayonnaise, so sometimes sandwiches are a little dry, but since I discovered this product … *swoon*. The description: With a fusion of English-style malt vinegar and Italian balsamic vinegar of Modena, along with brown sugar, herbs, spices, and slow-cooked caramelized onions, our zesty chutney adds a dash of vibrancy to your dishes. Imported from United Kingdom.  Doesn’t that sound yummy? I guess the imported thing explains the price, a bit steep, but worth every cent to liven up my sandwich. I see they use butter in it so it’s not vegan. Sorry Adam.

From Craig: M&Ms – Growing up in my parents house, Mom always kept bowls of red and green M&Ms scattered around the house around Christmas. (For our Canadian readers, M&Ms are like your Smarties but a million and a half times better.) I carried the tradition over to my new place for my first Christmas on my own and it was fantastic. Easy access to M&Ms at all times with no one but myself to eat them? Yes please! Even after the Christmas season ended, and all the red and green M&Ms had made their way through my toilet and into your drinking water, I’ve kept the tradition alive by keeping original M&Ms on my coffee table at all times. Not only are they extremely delicious, but they add a splash of color to my drab earth toney living room!

From Mikey: So there was this thing called the Super Bowl on Sunday.  You might have heard of it.  Well anyway, before the game aired NBC ran a commercial/promo wishing everyone a Happy Super Bowl.  Sure this sounds like typical network TV fare for the most watched event of the year.  What made this one amazing was the fact that someone (most likely Tina Fey) got a bunch of the stars of NBC’s shows together to sing and dance to “Brotherhood of Man” from How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying.  The result…magic.  And GAY magic, which only happens during Madonna Super Bowls.

From Michelle M.: A federal appeals court ruled against California’s voter-approved ban on same-sex marriage (Prop 8) on Tuesday. Finally.

This week’s runners up: the state of Washington, The premier of Smash, slow cookers, painting bottles, Dance Moms (last weeks competition took place at East Islip High School!), Happy Endings, Archie Panjabi, The River, cat breading and hardcore gay pornography.

All young gingers are given the “don’t mate with other gingers!” speech.

But ginger females,

and ginger males never listen.

They are drawn to each other.

Soon they lay together in sexual union.

And before long, the female ginger is impregnated.

From her loins will spring a Super Ginger.

The Super Ginger will grow rapidly.

The Super Ginger will mature.

But it shall never go outdoors to enjoy the sunshine.

For Super Gingers do not tan.

Super Gingers do not even experience sunburn (as non-Super Gingers are often do).

When a Super Ginger ventures into the sunlight, it will burst into flames.

And as the Super Ginger burns,

The normal children laugh,

and laugh,

and laugh.

When the flames die down, all that remains is a gingerbread cookie.

These gingerbread cookies are delicious.

And are quickly gobbled up.

Wiping from the Earth all evidence that such a foul beast had ever existed.

There are certain brands that I always buy or order because I think that they are superior. But am I just being blindly loyal or do I really think they are the best? The only way to know is to compare them with their competitors in a blind taste test. *Harry and I did not taste anything in the same order.

We started with the chocolate (milk chocolate). I was looking forward to this the most, but I have to say, it was too much of a good thing. They all tasted fairly similar, and none really stood out in a good (or bad) way.

Godiva
Harry: not as creamy as the others
Michelle: creamy, sweet and chocolatey tasting, but in a generic way. My second favorite.

See’s
Harry: had a nutty taste (like hazelnuts or walnuts), kinda weird
Michelle: Reminds me of walnuts, has a hint of cocoa

Ghiradelli
Harry: he thought this tasted the same as the Trader Joe’s chocolate
Michelle: Has a really sweet aftertaste, too sweet. My least favorite

Trader Joe’s
Harry: same as the Ghiradelli
Michelle: has a little bit of saltiness, a chocolate aftertaste, very sweet

Hershey
Harry: not as milky as the others, but is more chocolatey
Michelle: This is Hershey’s, maybe my favorite, has a very subtle grittiness

Cadbury
Harry: Tastes less sweet than the others
Michelle: Mellow, very sweet, tastes like a chocolate Easter bunny, has a hazelnut aftertaste

Lindt
Harry: Has a caramel taste. Not my favorite.
Michelle: Creamy and sweet, very melty in the mouth

Dove
Harry: Less milky and more chocolatey, just chocolate
Michelle: I like the texture, a little sweet, maybe the most chocolatey

And the winners?

Harry – couldn’t pick one. They all tasted alike to him.

Michelle – Hershey’s. I could identify it right off the bat (so did Harry). I’m surprised one of the higher end bars didn’t come in first.

Next up were the cheesy poofs. I know, I don’t like cheese, but it’s okay on popcorn or a poof.
I think it’s a texture thing.

Cheetos
Harry: Cheesy. Poofy. Salty. This is my favorite.
Michelle: Cheesy all the way through.

Trader Joe’s (reduced fat)
Harry: Has a mild cheesy taste
Michelle: Has a milky taste, really sticks in your teeth

Little Bear
Harry: Most bland of all. It’s like a puff of air.
Michelle: No cheese taste at all. It tastes like a corn puff.

Safeway
Harry: Saltiness upfront, Some cheesy taste. My 2nd favorite.
Michelle: Has an upfront cheesy taste, You can taste the corn, is salty, probably my favorite

Smart Puff
Harry: Almost no cheese taste, has a hint of pepper
Michelle: Is very light, dissolves quickly into nothing, has a slight hint of cheese

Which was the best?

Michelle – I picked the Safeway brand

Harry picked the Cheetos brand. And though the Smart puffs didn’t taste very cheesy at all, we liked those to snack on.

We saved the “champagne” for last (we know it’s really sparkling wine, but we haven’t won the lottery to splurge on 5 bottles of the real stuff. So just play along). We’re also not “champagne” people (and especially not Brut – but it was only kind I could find enough varieties of). This may explain the following results.

Woodbridge
Harry: Thought this and the Chandon tasted the same.
Michelle: Bitter, very bitter. I don’t like it.

Chandon
Harry: See above
Michelle: It’s bitter and sour, middle of the road. I don’t like it.

Korbel
Harry: Thought it was similar to the Woodbridge and Chandon, but a little mellower.
Michelle: It’s bitter and has a sour taste. It’s my 2nd least favorite. I don’t like it.

Tott’s
Harry: Has a fruity taste, It’s the most mellow of them all.
Michelle: It’s bitter, but has a fruity taste up front. I don’t like it, but it’s the best of the bunch.

Cook’s (Harry had a devil of a time getting the damn cork out of this one)
Harry: Has a skunky smell. And a skunky taste. It’s my least favorite.
Michelle: Is bitter. Has a weird taste, Ew. I don’t like it. It’s my least favorite.

And the winners?

Harry – The Tott’s.

Michelle – They were all gross, but if I had to pick the least disgusting, it would be the Tott’s.

Do you have any ideas of how to make our leftover “champagne” more drinkable? Let us know in the comments and join us next time in the test kitchen as we taste the letter “T”!

This post is brought to you by my tooth extraction pain, my insomnia, and my complete lack of any creative ideas.