Did you hear the news?! Andy Cohen, Bravo’s Executive Vice-President of Original Programming and Development has been FIRED!* My sources say that it was something to do with his smarmy attitude, giant teeth and lazy eye. I guess that people just couldn’t stand him anymore! In his absence, the Bravo Television Network has hired ME to develop a whole new slate of reality programming for the network. And who better to star in my new reality shows, than all my friends? Behold, Bravo’s new season of shows:
Mikey’s Getting Married! – A show that follows Mikey and Jeopardy! Champion Ty as they plan their nuptials. Episodes will focus on each detail of the wedding planning process, including an episode where their Save The Date card goes through 18 revisions before it is ready to send. The first season will culminate with a wedding, and season two will be retitled: Mikey’s Ever After.
Queen of Smut – This show follows the ultimate Queen of Smut, Tam, as she explores the world of M/M Slash Fiction. Tam travels the world to create the ultimate international collection of gay smut fiction, which will be cross-promoted and published by Bravo at the end of the season. Episodes will focus on every detail of the process, including author interviews, cover shoots, behind-the-scenes negotiations and Tam’s drunken exploits in New Orleans.
The Fabulous World of Polt – Polt became a worldwide sensation when he posted a photo of his nude ass online for the world to see. But that’s hardly the (rear) end of his story! Join Polt each week as he explores his fabulous world in search of hookups, obscure Star Trek novels, purple place mats, Superman t-shirts and the ultimate prize: true love.
Michelle Wins Everything – Each week, this game show will feature multiple contestants facing off against Michelle M. in a variety of challenges. The catch? They will never win! Michelle M. is perfect in every way, and will therefore win everything. There’s only one winner in this fantastic new reality game show!
It’s Just Craig – Craig amused us for years with his popular blog, Puntabulous. But then he quit! Is that the end of the story? This new series follows our favorite has-been star, Craig, as he strives to find his new place in the world. Will he return to blogging? Will he live happily ever after with a cardboard cutout of Natalie Portman? You’ll find out in Bravo’s new series: It’s Just Craig.
Mush & Friends – In this blatant rip-off of MTV: Canada & Logo’s hit show, 1 Girl 5 Gays, Bravo’s Mush & Friends is destined to be a hit! Each week, Mush Morgan will sit down with a rotating cast of 5 guests to answer 21 questions about love, life and sex. Panelists expected to appear: Chris D., Enrico, Jere, Jeliot, Josh, Justin, Mel, Mikey, Adam, Polt, Nathan, Justin**, Ryan, VUBOQ, FDot, TwoPi, Ty and M. Nico***!
It’s A Math Math World – TwoPi, Xi_Heather and the rest of their family star in this reality show about their exciting lives in the world of math! Hopefully it’s more exciting than it sounds.
VUBOQ: Vicious Unrepentant Bitter Old Queen - This self-titled series follows VUBOQ as he makes pottery, runs marathons, travels around the country, and has sex with every letter of the alphabet.
Watch What Happens Live with Adam & Michelle – Taking over the reins from the recently terminated Andy Cohen are new co-hosts, Adam and Michelle! Who better to interview all Z-list celebrities than these amazing new Bravo personalities? NO ONE, THAT’S WHO.
Rounding out Bravo’s schedule will be the returning hits: Top Chef, Top Chef: Just Desserts, Flipping Out!, Interior Therapy with Jeff Lewis, Kathy (plus celebrity guests, minus the theme song), Tabatha Takes Over, and a brand new season of the previously cancelled series, Work Out. I’m going to cancel all of the Real Housewives shows and everything else because it’s all just crap.
So what do you think? Will I succeed as the new Executive Vice President of Original Programming and Development, or will I fail? What shows will you watch? And what other shows would you love to see? Tell me all about it in the comments!
*This whole post is a lie!
**Who invited him?!
***He probably won’t show up.
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You can’t cancel the Housewives! I watch that crap!
I’m just relieved I’m not starring in a parakeet hoarder show.
We are going to have so much fun in the clubhouse!!
WE WILL BE THE BEST HOSTS EVER!!!
Mush & friends would be a pretty sweet show.
Cancelled after the pilot due to low ratings, production begins on “It’s a Math, Math, Math, Math World”, a zany madcap film that follows the antics of five couples as they travel throughout the southwestern USA, searching for clues as they try to solve a nonlinear system of equations for the Big W. Cameo appearances by dozens of legendary comedians do little to attract audiences to the 3 hour snoozefest.
In case you’ve forgotten, I’m the Executive Vice-President of Original Programming and Development … not you.
RUDE
I would totally watch about half of these shows … if I could afford cable.
*claps hands in delight* Totally hits and I get a Tiara!!!!!! I would totally watch them all, except the math pilot but maybe TwoPi’s revised version would be okay.
You could watch them on Hulu Vuboq.
I haven’t had Bravo since, god, back when they used to have Project Runway on there. In fact, that was the only thing I ever watched on Bravo to begin with. My love of reality TV is very low these days, it was something I enjoyed more in my early twenties when it was fresh and new and not the same fucking show over and over and over (there’s a good reason I don’t watch most movies too unless it’s something I really need to see.)
Honestly, my TV watching is specifically set to a handful of shows and only once in a while do I venture past those and taste the fruits of what the glowing box has to offer. So I’m shit for your target audience, though if you were to do a show about drinking, or video games, count me in as a viewer.
If only my life were fabulous enough for a tv show. Although finding a hookup in a Superman t-shirt, with a stash of obscure Star Trek novels covered by a purple place mat probably would eventually lead to true love. Especially if he’s an Asian with a hairthing.
Great job, as always, Adam.
HUGS….
OMG this post is brilliant! I love being a has-been star!
How about a show called “The Really Fat Housewives of Westchester County” ?
Does our — um, I mean, Mikey’s — show come with cross-promotional cocktails? If so, I’m totally on board. Synergy!
Of course! There will also be t-shirts, books, action figures and a Mikey’s very own fragrance.
ummm…isn’t that getting married show a spin-off of one of the housewives shows?
The current show is — but I’m cancelling that. Your show is a completely new idea.
I like how the title for my show “It’s Just Craig” fully encapsulates my existence.
::sobs::
When I read “It’s Just Craig” I hear a womp womp in my head like they would play on SNL
That’s pretty much what I was hoping for
My favorite show will be Michelle Wins Everything.
By the way, we’re currently in contract negotiations to have Billy Eichner host the show!
YAY!