Monthly Archives: March 2012

Second to the right, and straight on ’til morning.

Friends,

It’s with a heavy heart that I make this announcement: I have decided to end Cocky & Rude.

After two years, 894 blog posts, over 10,000 comments, and just under 100,000 all-time views; Mikey, Michelle M. and I have decided to call it quits.

This decision was not made lightly.  Over the past two years, Mikey has gotten engaged, Michelle M. has adopted Cooper, and I have stuffed my face, drawn a cartoon version of fecal matter, and have hosted a hit game show from the 1970s.

Cocky & Rude is something that we’ve all loved to do over the years, but sometimes life just gets in the way.  More and more, we’ve each struggled to bring you quality blog posts while juggling life, work, family, laziness and television viewing.

But don’t worry, we’re not leaving your lives completely.  We will still see you on Facebook, Twitter, in the comment sections of other blogs, and maybe even in person from time to time.

Please accept my heartfelt thanks for making the last two years of Cocky & Rude a fun stop on the interweb!

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Let’s hear for the Five!

While the other lazy bloggers* on this site take a vacation this week, I had the distinct pleasure to see and write about all the awesome things that happened this week. What does that spell? FRIDAY FIVE!!!!

The first absolutely amazing thing to happen this week is release of The Hunger Games in theaters. I was eagerly anticipating its release since I read the books and I wasn’t disappointed. Sure some of the internal angst and paranoia of Katniss Everdeen were lost in translation when the filmmakers needed to externalize her thoughts, but the movie on its own is a powerhouse of entertainment and pleasure (which is really ironic since it’s about a bunch of teenagers made to kill each other). If you haven’t seen it, go right now. If you have seen it, go again. I plan to do just that.

After I recovered from Peeniss-mania, I was thrilled for the return of Mad Men. It came back with a bang and I have renewed my love for what is arguably the best television show of all time. The premiere wasn’t perfect or my favorite of in the shows cannon, but it raised a lot of really intriguing plot points that I am eagerly anticipating. Get on the bandwagon if you haven’t.

Speaking of Mad Men you might have heard that resident whackjob January Jones has been consuming her own placenta since giving birth. This is oddly night an isolated incident of self-cannibalism. It is some weird earthy trend. Ewww.

Now that you have vomited up your breakfast, I will treat you to a laugh. Have you ever wondered how all of your favorite internet porn memes would be if they got recreated by children? Well Romania has your answer. In a misguided campaign against child pornography, they have created just that. The results are amusing.

Rounding out our five is the achingly distant return of Doctor Who. The wunderkinds behind the show released a teaser trailer for the new season and it did exactly what it should have: make me go “huh?” and “OMG! I can’t wait.” So without further adieu…I give you Doctor Who.

That’s all folks. Just teenage bloodsport, Mad Men, placenta pills, crayon porn, and Doctor Who. What’s on your list? Please tell me it’s a petition to bring Adam and Michelle back. Please!

*I am fully aware of the fact that I am the laziest of the lazy involved with this blog. I just needed an attention grabbing opening line.

Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3: Week 5

Our fourth week is complete! Today our contestants celebrate four weeks into the cockiest and rudest weight loss competition evahhhh! It’s Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3!

Our dieters have accomplished nearly a month dieting. Have you wondered what they miss the most?  This week we asked each contestant what from their plumper days they miss the most? Is it food? Laziness? Or something else? Here’s what they said:


Michelle M.
Other than the metabolism of my youth, the thing I miss most is junk food (chocolate and chips, mostly). I can hardly wait until it’s time to donate blood so I can have a guilt free snack afterwards. I hope they have mini powdered donuts…


Polt
Okay, so this week it’s “What Do I Miss Most?” Well I didn’t really give up anything for the challange, but last week, my doctor put me on a low to no carb diet. So what do I miss? FREAKING CARBS!!! I miss pizza, bread, chips, pasta, donuts, potatoes, corn, peas, fries, buns, rolls, subs…oh God, I swear there was moment Monday when I would have given my left nut for a hot buttered roll! As Shakespeare said, “A cruller, a danish, my KINGDOM for an eclair!”


TwoPi
I miss not thinking about whether to buy something my mouth wants to eat. I miss not reading the nutrition labels on packaged foods. I miss giving in to my spur-of-the-moment cravings when I’m doing the grocery shopping. (I do, however, like that slightly smug feeling when I manage to walk down the junk food aisle and don’t give in, don’t put anything in the cart.) I miss not feeling like I’m at war with myself over food.


Ryan

I don’t miss beer (I still drink it) so much as I miss being able to drink without thinking about the calories. At this point, I’ve given up drinking outside of a social context. Enjoying a beer at home just isn’t worth making room for the calories. I also miss snacking. Chips or nut mixes tend to be too much of a bother when you have to measure out portions. It would also be nice to have supper be determined by what I feel like eating more than what will balance out what I ate during the rest of the day.


Tam
I miss desserts. I got in a really bad habit in early 2012 of eating dessert far too often. All kinds, cake, cookies, pie, ice-cream, it didn’t seem like a meal unless we had dessert. Since my trip I have only had the occasional Girl Guide cookie (which I faithfully recorded). I have passed on donuts, ice-cream and other baked treats. Now when I’m craving something I usually end up having a pudding cup or a jello/fruit cup. Both around 100 calories. I like both, but they’re no triple threat chocolate cake. I was super good this last week and got a crappy number. Oh well, means next week will be high right?


Mikey
I miss nothing other than ice cream at the moment. Sure it’s only early spring, but I can always eat ice cream. It’s my favorite dessert of all time. And I haven’t had any in months. Poor Mikey!


Mr. Sombrero
I try not to deprive myself of delicious foods. I keep it in moderation and decrease the intake.
I did replace unhealthy snacks with nuts and fruits. The trick is to completely banish unhealthy foods from your surroundings so one does not fall into temptation in the time of crisis. I do find myself dreaming of Twix PB bars.


Adam
Nearly a month ago, I gave up two foods that are awful for you. Those foods? Mustard and pickles. I miss them so much!  Mustard and pickles are commonly known as the most fattening foods on the planet. By avoiding only these foods, I will slim down to the size of an Olsen twin.  I miss them greatly, but it’s worth it!


And now the week’s results:

Stay tuned each Thursday for the stunning weight-loss success stories of our eight contestants. Who will win this year’s competition? Find out on May 31st … just in time for bikini season!

Don’t Forget BC&RL3!

Picard forgot

ATTENTION Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3 Participants: Don’t Forget!  Your blurb, percentage (or weight) and photo for this week’s Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3, are due at 5PM EST today!

This Week’s Theme: “WHAT DO YOU MISS THE MOST?” – You’ve accomplished nearly an entire month of dieting.  What do you miss the most?  Foods?  Laziness?  Submit a photo of that thing you miss the most.

THE LOST EPISODE OF SUPER VIAGRA AND VAGINA GIRL!

Not unlike the last episode of Galaxy Quest before it went off the air, the last installment I drew of The Adventures of Super Viagra and Vagina Girl lay unfinished and with a whopper of a cliffhanger. Here I wish to present it to you for the first time:

There we have it folks. The Omega 13 of the Super Viagra and Vagina Girl universe.
What do you think happened?


Check out Craig’s site, Our TV Night or follow him on Twitter.

Zou Bisou Bisou

Once again Mad Men has proven that it is the greatest show of all time.  Not only did the show come back with a bang on Sunday night, it came back with a seizure inducing amount of laughter.  Don’s new wife, Megan, who last season just seemed like an opportunistic waif, is turning out to more of a piece of work than Betty.  During Don’s surprise 40th birthday party, Megan treats Don to a special number that must have perturbed everyone in the room.  It made me laugh and quite a bit.  In fact, I think that Don himself felt like crawling under the couch in their ultramodern 1960s conversation pit.

What other hijinks will she get up to this season? I think we may have only scratched the surface of her distinct brand of French Canadian zaniness. I am anticipating a showdown between her and Betty. How awesome would it be if it’s this Dynasty style slapfest concluding with them both taking a swim in the Central Park pond.

Straight Girls & Gay Porn

So when Adam and Michelle put out their whiny request saying they were “tired” and “too exhausted” to post this week (wah wah wah) and DESPERATELY wanted guest posts, I thought … what could I, the classy sophisticated woman that I am, write about for a guest post? Of course, the obvious answer was Mikey’s favorite: hardcore gay porn.

Now everyone knows that straight girls only like porn with romantic music and floaty curtains, and soft gentle non-threatening male actors, right? Heh. Yeah. Well, I can’t speak on behalf of all straight girls, only the ones in my little pervy corner of the universe, and that description? Not so much. I decided I would do a survey of a few of my friends who I know enjoy a little man-on-man action, or at least a picture of a nekkid bottom now and then. Well, they told two friends, and they told two friends and so on, and so on. You know the drill. I ended up with 110 responses. Ack! I needed to buy a Survey Monkey pay subscription to access them all.

So what is the story with these women? They’re just looking at artsy pictures right? Well, we’re looking at pictures, I’m not sure how many are “artsy”. Have you been to Tumblr lately? Ahem. 97.3% have a gander at the boys, many on a daily basis, or several times daily, or hourly. Do you know how fast a dashboard moves on that site? Ya gotta keep up or you’ll miss a good one.

Now surely they’re not WATCHING videos. I must be alone in that jungle of testosterone, right? Oh no, I’m not alone. Basically 83% of us girls surveyed like to watch some hot video action, although we are basically cheap and don’t want to pay for it.

Okay, but they’re all single and sad and desperate like me I’m sure. Hmmm. Maybe? 37.6% of us are footloose and fancy free and can watch whatever the hell we want on the internet. But 35.6% have husbands who don’t really care.

I got some interesting comments:

So there you have it. But you’re asking “why?” right? Most people do, even other straight girls. And no, none of us imagine one of the ‘stars’ coming to their senses and sweeping us off our feet. Some of us like to watch straight porn or girl-on-girl as well, but there are a lot of common reasons women don’t like watching porn with other women in it. We are not the target audience. It’s aimed at men and as a rule shows women that men (supposedly) find attractive. The men involved don’t really matter, because straight guys are staring at the women. Straight girls? We’re looking at Ron Jeremy. Ack. If that’s not a freaking turn-off what is? I like to look at attractive men and seriously, you aren’t going to find many in straight porn. So I’ll go where my eye can enjoy the view, doubly, or more.

Here are some of the comments from my survey respondents:

So there you have it folks. In general the reasons why some of us girls like gay porn are: we like men and the way men look; straight porn makes us feel icky or self-conscious; and … it’s just hot. *shrug*

I received so many interesting answers to my questions about porn stars on twitter, live sex shows, strippers and how “out” you are with your habit, that I will definitely be using much of this info for some posts on my own site. Too much great data not to mine for other posts. I admit my survey sample was skewed to those who already have an interest in the subject matter, but it wouldn’t have been nearly as fun otherwise.

I know porn is not for everyone, but if it’s your thing, happy watching.


Check out Tam’s blog: Tam Reads, Writes & Rambles, read her reviews at Brief Encounters, or follow her on twitter.

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