I just looked at the calendar, and ya know what I found? It’s Friday. And here at C&R, that can only mean one thing. We’re all going to sing Rebecca Black songs! It’s time for the Friday Five:
1. The New TV Season! Nearly all of the new shows this season are sucking some major shit… but Terra Nova was pretty good. Did you watch it? (Yea, yea, it’s sci-fi on Fox so I give it about half a season before they cancel it.) To make up for the lackluster crop of new shows, there’s plenty of great returning series that I’m excited about. Breaking Bad has been breathtakingly amazing! Plus It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Parks & Recreation, Fringe, Happy Endings, and Modern Family are all going strong. And I still love Glee, no matter what you say!
2. Andy Rooney is stepping down from 60 Minutes at the tender age of 472. Slacker! I hate lazy people that decide to retire early. They’re all so smug and rich. Ugh! Hate that! And who is Andy Rooney, anyway? I’m 31 … does anyone my age watch 60 Minutes? After a little bit of research, I’ve discovered that he’s a crotchety old geezer with ridiculous eyebrows. Jesus, man! Trim your forehead bush! Here’s some funny videos that make fun of Andy Rooney:
3. Taking personal days off of work is pretty great! I’ve worked at the same company for about 50 years, and I don’t think I’ve ever just taken a personal day. I’ve pre-scheduled ‘personal time’ before, but I’ve never just called out of work without lying about an illness. “Hey, it’s Adam … I’m going to take a personal day today. Call me if you need me … I’ll see you tomorrow.” It’s great! You should try it! I did it on Wednesday, so I could take a nap in the afternoon before training my way to NYC to have dinner with Mr. Sombrero and a friend. By the way, my favorite (made up) sick day excuse: “Hey it’s Adam. I’m going to take a sick day today. I’ve been up all night … the diarrhea is just awful. I must have food poisoning or something. It’s all over the walls of my apartment. I think it might even be on the ceiling. Oh God! I gotta go! See ya tomorrow!” I actually did that. It received a few hearty chuckles.
4. Beards. I find beards on guys to be incredibly sexy. And I mean facial hair — not a gay guy’s fake girlfriend that’s on him. Just to clear that up. Anyway — I’ve never really had a beard for more than a couple weeks before. I always end up getting frustrated (because they’re either itchy or begin to act like a drool sponge when I’m sleeping) but I’m totally over my beard’s itchy/sponginess. All you gotta do is wipe your face off when you wake up. Use an absorbent material like a paper towel or your boyfriend’s sheet. It works great! Yea, so I’m rock’n a beard right now. And I look goooood.
5. Apples are in season! Woohoo! With the beginning of autumn comes apple season. Yay, cheap delicious fruit at the grocery store! My three favorite apples are: 1. Jazz, 2. Honeycrisp and 3. Fuji. Someone bake me some vegan apple crisp with a side of vegan apple pie! Yum! I hope that apartment that Tam’s renting in NYC next weekend has an oven … so she can bake for me! Yay!
That’s it bitches! My five favorites of the week are: TV, Andy Rooney, Taking Personal Days, Beards and Apples! What a loverly assortment of favorite things. I’m totally more creative than that queefing madwoman or that other chick that doesn’t read C&R. Runners up this week: free food, reading, regularly cleaning your toilet, bursts of energy, fancy nail clippers, my Kindle, exclamation points, masturbating and hardcore gay porn. Woohoo!
What’s your Friday Five? Tell me in the comments!
Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club: ROUND THREE! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll re-introduce our fighters. We’ll give them each a chance to speak their mind. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
Each week of Round Three, we’ll drop three Round Two winners into the ring and see who remains standing after a 24-hour Cocky & Rude Fight Club vote. Today’s contestants are: Michelle M., “The Kid” and FDot.
In her C&R Fight Club Round 1 fight, the queen of of the Puntabugang, Michelle M. faced off against the queen of all media, Oprah Winfrey. In what many thought would be a difficult match, Oprah queefed all the way to an easy knockout, when Michelle M. destroyed her with 87% of the popular vote. In Round 2, Michelle M. faced off against two worthy opponents: Captain Kirk and Polt. With firsts of fury, Michelle M. easily trounced the two with 66% of the popular vote. Michelle M. has recently adopted a gluten-free diet… with this help or hurt her? And with Cooper at her side, how will she stand up against “The Kid” and FDot?
These two don’t stand a chance. I mean, c’mon, I defeated Kirk. With one arm tied behind my back. There is no way that Fdot is ready to face me in the ring – he should just stay in the kitchen where he belongs. Those chocolate chip cookies aren’t going to make themselves. As for Kristin, face it, I’m older and I have more insurance.TOWANDA!!!!
In her C&R Fight Club Round 1 battle, Tam’s little princess, “The Kid” faced off again pop princess, Rebecca Black. With the assistance of her trusty steed, Sprinkles the Pony, “The Kid” defeated Black with just 59% of the popular vote. In Round 2, “The Kid” faced off against John and her own mother — and managed to defeat them both with 80% of the popular vote. “The Kid” is known for her movie references, hammering the refresh button, and she’s not afraid to beat up her own mother. But does she stand a chance against FDot and Michelle M.?
If you think adding a third person to this fight will phase me, think again. After being a thirteen man cage match in the underground back in ’97 there ain’t a chance that I’ll lose. I’m fierce and have put on over 10kilos of muscle from training with the highest class of security guards around. I’m strong, I’m tough and I’m god’s unwanted child. I plan on taking this ring by storm and not only will I tear up the competition I’ll tear out the ring, the crowd and anything that’s within the square kilometer. Just call me the Hulk because once I’m in the ring I’m ready to explode.
In his C&R Fight Club Round 1, ‘Fan Favorite‘ FDot faced off against ‘Fan Favorite’ Tom Hanks. FDot proved that there can only be on favorite when he defeated Tom Hanks with 67% of the popular vote. In Round 2, FDot faced off against a dynamic duo of opponents: Paul and VUBOQ. With just 46% of the popular vote, FDot managed to defeat them both. FDot is known for his powerful trash-talking ability and chocolate chip cookie bribery … but will that be enough to beat “The Kid” and Michelle M.? We will soon see…
So this week I have to face off against Inch High, Private Eye and The Fetus. No problem. For starters, Inchy already has a platform here every Monday, so a win for her could only lead to weekly doses of gloating. The Fetus should be disqualified as she’s not even of voting age yet. Besides, losing is good for a teenager, it builds character. As an extra precaution, I include pictures to keep Inchy and The Fetus distracted from voting: the world’s most expensive martini, and texting! I’d also remind the majority of the male population here that I’m single, easy, discreet and have no problem picking up the tab.
Who will win in the battle of Michelle M. vs. “The Kid” vs. FDot? There’s only one rational way to decide who will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to Michelle M., “The Kid” and FDot for your assistance with this post!
Autumn began last Friday, September 23rd. With its cool, crisp weather and stunning natural beauty, autumn is the perfect time of year to enjoy the great outdoors. From weekend trips to local recreation, opportunities for fall fun abound! What have you done in the autumn? Let’s find out.
The rules are simple: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.
Have you ever?!1. Have you ever raked leaves?
2. Have you ever jumped into a pile of leaves?
3. Have you ever gone apple picking?
4. Have you ever consumed warm apple cider?
5. Have you ever made caramel apples?
6. Have you ever gone pumpkin picking?
7. Have you ever baked a pumpkin pie from scratch?
8. Have you ever planted mums in the autumn?
9. Have you ever purchased and decorated with gourds?
10. Have you ever hung Indian corn on your front door?
11. Have you ever made a scarecrow?
12. Have you ever decorated and filled a cornucopia?
13. Have you ever decorate the outside of your home with hay bales and/or corn stalks?
14. Have you ever driven more than an hour away just to see some beautiful fall foliage?
15. Have you ever gone for a hike in the autumn?
16. Have you ever gone camping in the autumn?
17. Have you ever warmed up next to a campfire in the autumn?
18. Have you ever posed for a photo in front of colorful fall foliage?
19. Have you ever gone to a haunted house?
20. Have you ever gone on a hayride?
21. Have you ever gone to a corn maze?
22. Have you ever gone to a harvest festival?
23. Have you ever dressed like a pilgrim?
24. Have you ever spent a Sunday watching football?
25. Have you ever debated whether or not “autumn” is a better word than “fall”?
Tell us your total and your exciting upcoming autumn plans in the comments.
Maybe he’s all talk. Maybe the Puntabuschlong isn’t as big as you’ve dreamed been told.
Here’s 10 reasons why Craig has a small penis:
It’s been a crazy week at the M. compound – what with the back of the house being torn up and rebuilt. I didn’t have time to prepare a well-thought out, humorous post for the three of you to read (that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it). So here is some random crap.
I’m getting a new window in my office. Hurray!
Cooper is settling in nicely. He loves his toys. He’s sitting on my finger and has ventured out of his cage. I love my little fluffer-nutter!
I just finished this book. It amused me.
I thought I’d try a gluten-free diet*. Maybe I’m allergic to wheat**? Maybe that’s why I’m so tired all the time. Anyway, here are some of the products I’ve tried. Most of them are sad and have strange ingredients and I need to read the labels before I buy them. The crackers have fennel (I hate fennel) and poppy seeds (no thank you). And the chocolate chip cookies*** had chia seeds in them. It was disconcerting. I haven’t noticed any difference in my energy levels, but I’ll give it a little longer.
*I’ve cheated already with a hamburger bun and a tortilla. Oh well.
**I know I should ask to be tested by a doctor, but that would make sense.
***not pictured. Harry finished them off for me. I just noticed that the other package of cookies are dairy-free. That means the chocolate is not officially chocolate, so why bother. Maybe I’ll send them to Adam.
Look at these cool Wonder Woman shoes!
What the hell is Britney doing with her tongue? It’s bizarre. And fascinating.
A while ago I watched Working Girl and was reminded of Melanie Griffith’s disturbing throat clearing tic. I found a video that compiled them. This would make a great drinking game.
Asian babies are awesome. And they do floors!
I was all excited about trying Schweddy Balls. But they didn’t have it at the store, so we had Americone Dream* instead. Boo.
*contains wheat 
This week we’ll advance to Round Three of C&R Fight Club. Keeping track of the winners and losers?
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Since Everyone Hated Today’s Post…
Here’s a some other posts you might enjoy:
10 Reasons Why Craig Has A Small Penis (NSFW) 160 views
Michelle’s Random Crap 83 views
Who Comments The Most? 58 views
C&R Fight Club Round 4: Michelle M. vs. The Kid vs. FDot 53 views
What Were They Thinking?! 35 views
Have You Ever … In The Autumn?! 34 views
Updated C&R Fight Club Bracket 26 views
Hot Men, or How to Know if a Show is Good: Part 1 26 views
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