Monthly Archives: March 2011

BC&RL2: BIGGEST COCK WINNER REVEALED!

14 Comments Posted by on March 31, 2011

It’s been THIRTEEN WEEKS since the beginning of Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2.  Since the start of our contest, we’ve eliminated 15 players.  Only three players remain, but by the end of this post, there will be only one.  Each of our final three have worked their asses off to get to this point … and they’ve each lost a bit of their asses in the process.  Diet and exercise aren’t fun, but these players managed to do it better, and more successfully than the rest of us.

Unlike all of the previous of the eliminations, the final results of Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2 are not determined by a popularity poll.  They are determined solely by weight loss.

Two weeks ago, when we last revealed our players’ weight loss percentages, Paul was in the lead with -9.58%.  But with Mush at -9.38% and Ryan with -9.22%, it was way too close to call a winner.  There was only a .4% spread between them!

So enough with all of the stalling.  It’s time to reveal the contestant who placed THIRD.

THE THIRD PLACE WINNER IS …

RYAN!

Ryan after losing 9.58% of his body weight!

Ryan joined our competition as one half of Team Mushy Cupcake.  Over the course of the competition, he’s changed his eating habits and started regularly exercising.  Ryan lost an amazing 9.58% of his body weight.  Here’s what he had to say about coming in third:

Congratulations to Mush and Paul! Getting this far takes a lot of work. Even though I didn’t win, I’m proud how much less of me there is now and excited to think of how much more I can lose by the time I go home for my cousin’s wedding this summer. I’d like to thank Adam and Mikey for inviting me to be in this contest. Without that motivation, I would have never lost so much weight. I’d also like to thank Mush for being an awesome team member and for showing me SparkPeople, which was essential in guiding me to lose weight at a consistent and sustainable rate. Finally, good luck to all of the eliminated contestants. I can’t wait to see who wins Rudest Loser.

That leaves just two contestants.  Mush or Paul?  Paul or Mush?  We’ll reveal that in just a moment.  But before we do, let’s take a look at both of these players.

Mush joined our contest as the other half of Team Mushy Cupcake.  She faced many trials and tribulations (including Mexican food, processed carbohydrates and The Curse™).  But through it all, Mush made it all the way to the top two.

And then there’s Paul.  Paul (along with our Fan Favorite, FDot) joined our competition as Team Colon Blow.  Paul joined the contest as a way to motivate himself to take care of his Type 2 Diabetes.  Over 13 weeks he made a big change to his eating and exercising habits, and took great strides towards improving his overall health.

Hmmm all the contestants that made it into the finals had the word “Team” in front of their team names.  Note to self: do that if we have a Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3 at the new site.

So who will it be?  Will Mush or Paul walk away with the big prize of BIGGEST COCK?  It’s time to find out.

AND THE WINNER OF BIGGEST COCK & RUDEST LOSER 2 IS…

MUSH!

Congratulations, Mush!  You have won the BIGGEST COCK prize!

Mush after losing 11.88% of her body weight!

Mush lost a staggering 11.88%!  Here’s what she had to say:

After a holiday season full of more cakes, cookies, and pies than you could shake a stick at, I got on the scale. And yea verily, I was fucking FAT. But the boys at Cocky & Rude nagged us all into playing a game with them, and I let myself be roped into another damn diet competition.

And somehow, I actually did it. I set a goal to twenty pounds and I (practically) accomplished it! (I lost 19 pounds.)

And how did I do it? I did it through the misery of semi-starvation!

Oh, man, dieting sucks. I’m never going to diet again. Being hungry all the time, craving food all the time, it’s a weird form of hell. (Let it be known that I lost the last three pounds after I quit dieting by simply cutting refined carbs out of my diet – no white flour, no white sugar or HFCS, no white rice. It’s much more comfortable than semi-starvation because you get to eat fat. Yay whole milk lattes! The weight loss rate is much more modest, but it’s continuing all on its own and I’m not starving all the time anymore.)

I credit much of my success in this contest to having had THE VERY BEST OF ALL POSSIBLE PARTNERS, Ryan, who made up the awesome half of Team Mushy Cupcake. His great results kept me going. I luff heem.

Paul lost an amazing 10.42% of his body weight (and now he looks like letters and numbers)!

And that can only mean one thing…

THE SECOND PLACE WINNER IS PAUL!

Paul lost an impressive 10.42% of his total body weight!
Here’s what he had to say:

While I am disappointed at not being the winner, I would like to congratulate Mush on her domination over all of us tubby people.  Now if you will please excuse me I must head over to the loser’s tent where I believe Polt has a very gay drink and a very short cabana boy saved for me.

And now … as a prize to Mush and everyone else who lays eyes on it, here’s a doodle from Craig!

Now that we know that Mush has won the Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2 BIGGEST COCK prize, who will win the Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2 RUDEST LOSER prize? We’ll find that out next week when we check in with all 15 of our eliminated Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2 contestants (or at least the ones that are still speaking to us).  Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2, Yay!

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A Very Special Announcement

10 Comments Posted by on March 31, 2011

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Have You Ever… Annoyed Tam?!

18 Comments Posted by on March 30, 2011

In a comment on last week’s Have You Ever?! quiz, Tam lamented, “Nothing pisses me off more than baggers who put 3 items in every bag. I put it on the conveyor belt grouped by item so is it really so hard to put them in the bag in that order. All the frozen stuff in one, cans in another? Is that difficult? Especially now that I have to pay .5 per bag. I have been known to compliment checkers on their bagging skills if they do a great job. Okay, it would appear I have issues. Deep breath.”

Never have I seen a Canadian get so enraged over something so trivial.  Perhaps they aren’t really as nice as they seem … they’re just experts at bottling up their fury?  From this idea (and from Mikey’s suggestion), a super-sneaky Have You Ever?! quiz was born.  Instead of contacting Tam and asking her to make us a list … we simply stalked her Twitter account and easily amassed a list of 25 things that annoy her.  I think you’ll get a kick out of them!  (Just don’t kick her … that might annoy her too!)  You know the rules: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.

Have You Ever?!

1. Have you ever manufactured malfunctioning oven timers?
2. Have you ever confused Tam, causing her to put the wrong date on a review post?
3. Have you ever been responsible for political ads on the TV and radio?
4. Have you ever forced Tam to attend riding lessons every Sunday?
5. Have you ever used the term “pelt” on humans?
6. Have you ever not called Tam back when she was on a deadline?
7. Have you ever been the cause of Tam’s bursitis in her should?
8. Have you ever rescheduled Canadian buses as a way to cut spending?
9. Have you ever designed a phone that only holds a charge for 6 hours or less?
10. Have you ever charged $8.50 for a litre of Evian in a hotel room?
11. Have you ever been the cause of a mess of papers on Tam’s desk?
12. Have you ever required Tam to visit the DMV?
13. Have you ever shot the messenger because you were pissed off over the fact that your supervisor is waaaaaay overstepping her bounds?
14. Have you ever been slow to deliver pizza?
15. Have you ever done anything to Tam that would cause her upper earring to hurt and her ear to burn?
16. Have you ever caused Tam’s throat to hurt when she swallows? (Polt, stop laughing.)
17. Have you ever taken Tam shopping?
18. Have you ever been the cause of disorganization?
19. Have you ever been responsible for briefing notes?
20. Have you ever been to blame for a headache directly over Tam’s left eye?
21. Have you ever hidden Tam’s business cards?
22. Have you ever been the muse behind one of Tam’s big blog promos?
23. Have you ever caused Tam’s Outlook to jam up by creating or utilizing an electronic storage system for filing?
24. Have you ever manufactured cat food that was so delicious that it caused Tam’s cat to ‘pig it down’ and then vomit it back up before even stepping away from the dish?
25. Have you ever dripped rain off the roof outside Tam’s patio doors and caused her to be annoyed by the sound and liken it to Chinese water torture?

I’m guessing that most people will score rather low on this quiz.  But be warned if you score more than a few points…  Everyone’s favorite Canadian may rain down on you with a shower of rage that’s unlike anything the world has ever seen.  Or she may just tweet about it and smile.  Share your quiz results in the comments!

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Silver Surfing the Internet: 10 Suggestions for Seniors with Computers

20 Comments Posted by on March 29, 2011

I realized a few weeks ago that from a certain spot in my parking lot, I can see my landlord’s computer screen.  I was so excited!  I couldn’t wait to see what kind of porn (girls? boys? horses? fatties? fisting?) that he was into.  But after a few weeks of spying, I’ve come to the realization that all he ever does is play solitaire.  He’s exactly like my father, and most of the other old people (40+) that I know.  The computer is simply a new way to play card games.

Old people, I’m here to help you. There are better things to do with your computer!  The Internet is a wide and wondrous place.  Here are some suggestions to get you started…

E-mail Your Friends & Family
Why?  Because it’s cheaper than a toll call! (Old people usually don’t believe that free in-network mobile phone calls are actually free.)  You’ll especially enjoy forwarding bad jokes, religious stories, hoaxes that you are convinced are real, and sharing photos with your family.  Please note that old people usually don’t attach photos to an email correctly, so receivers will never see them.

Chat With Your Family
Instead of emailing, why not just IM them?  There are a variety of options: Google Talk, AIM, Yahoo! Messenger, etc.  Each one of them is easy to use and won’t time out when you only type about one word a minute.  Where is the ‘s’ again?  I’m sure your family is patient and won’t mind that you type so slow.  Oh, and Skype is out of the question, because old people will never understand how to set up a microphone and web cam.

Catch Up On The News
You’re old, so you’re probably a Republican.  The best news site for you is FoxNews.com!  They offer a  fair and balanced version of the news that’s usually not exactly true, but true enough to get you all riled up against those damn liberals!  Your favorite person, Sarah Palin is even on the payroll!  Check daily for the latest on how heath care reform will cause you to be instantly euthanized and up-to-the-minute information about how Barack Obama was not born in the United States.

Stay On Top Of The Weather
Old people love the weather.  A chance of rain or snow is enough of a reason to stay home for days.  And when you don’t have much left to live for, it’s important to know the temperature highs and lows for the day.  Make sure to send daily emails to your kids and grandkids, reminding them to wear a coat today!

Porn, Porn & More Porn!
Old people’s penises and vajayjays are saggy and old.  They wrinkle up like prunes (which on a side-note, are great for avoiding constipation!) and drag on the ground.   Don’t get me started on wispy gray pubic hair.  It’s just disgusting.  Porn is a great way to remember how your body used to look.  And what better place to find porn than on the Internet?

It’s Hookup Time!
And why stop at porn?  The Internet is a great place for old people to find romance or just hook up with other old folks.  And with the advent of Viagra and Cialis, old guys never have to worry about under-preforming and stage fright.  eHarmony.com is great if you’re looking for romance (and they don’t let the queers in either!), but sites like AshleyMadison.com are great if you’re just looking to bang some old married people, and still make it home in time for Wheel of Fortune.

Print Out Some Coupons
The only thing better than sex is saving money.  And with websites like Coupons.com, you don’t even have to worry about hobbling with your walker to end of the driveway to pick up the newspaper anymore.  You can sit on your Duro-Med Rubber Inflatable Seat Cushion Ring and print coupons straight from the computer!  As long as you can figure out how to use that damn printer!

Google Your Favorite Subjects
You’re old, so you’re probably all about history (because you were there when it happened).  Why not Google your favorite topics?  I suggest searching for topics like “World War I” or “Back when I had a pet dinosaur.”  Or why not just use Google as an address bar?  Wanna go to Facebook?  Search for “Facebook.com” or why not try searching Google for “Google.com”?  Old people LOVE to do that.

Map Your Family Tree
Old people love reconnecting and remembering their long lost relatives.  Why not use a site like Ancestry.com to map a family tree?  Or how about Classmates.com to find a few of your still-living classmates?  Both sites cost money, and for some reason, old people are surprising willing to pay for these services.  Just don’t be there a month later when the credit card bill shows up.  They’ll have that foamy pad on the telephone speaker pressed hard against their hearing aid as they scream at the credit card company representative to take the charge of their bill.

Stalk Your Family On Facebook
Facebook, you say?  That’s where I disapprovingly look at photos of my grandson Adam jamming vegetables down his pants.  He thinks it’s funny.  I think it’s disgusting!  Old people love stalking their family on Facebook.  They’d stalk their friends too, but they’re all dead.

Old people are great, and they love computers.  With this helpful list, hopefully they can make the most out of their final few years on the planet.  Do you have any suggestions of your own?  Add to my list in the comments!

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Captain America Scares Me!

12 Comments Posted by on March 28, 2011

Is it just me, or is it kinda terrifying to see the normally hot Chris Evans as a super-shrimpy little twink?  I’m guessing they used some sort of Benjamin Buttony or The Social Network Winklevoss twin face replacement effects… but it’s just freak’n creepy.  See for yourself in the new trailer for Captain America: The First Avenger:

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How to make Cheesy Blasters

19 Comments Posted by on March 28, 2011

In the season four opening episode “Season Four,” Liz Lemon and Jack Donaghy introduce viewers of 30 Rock to Cheesy Blasters, which are the number one food in all of America. Liz serenades the audience with their fictional catchphrase and an obsession was born. Most people would accept this as a normal television malarkey, but not Ty and I. We became obsessed. Those words became bible and we decided to create our own cheesy blasters. So from Liz Lemon’s immortal words, “take a hot dog, stuff it with some jack cheese, roll it in a pizza, you’ve got cheesy blasters” a new food obsession was born. We made Cheesy Blasters. Here’s how and how we felt about them.

Ingredients:
8 oz grated Jack Cheese
8 Turkey dogs (for health reasons)
1 package Pillsbury Pizza Crust dough
1 jar Pizza style Tomato Sauce

1) Open your package of pizza dough. If you have chosen to make this from scratch you are pretentious and a loser, but you still rock for making Cheesy Blasters. Spread dough onto a 13″ by 18″ baking pan.

2) Open jar of Pizza Style tomato Sauce. Other sauce can be substituted if you take the time to adulterate it with spices and the like. Spread sauce on the top of pizza dough to make a layer of redness. Layer of redness is a technical pizza-making term.

3) Daintily sprinkle Jack Cheese atop of the tomato sauce. If you have not done this daintily, your end product will taste like crap. Please start over and do it more daintily.

4). Cut your crust/tomato sauce/cheese into 8 equal rectangular sections by first dividing in half once in the middle of the longest length and then in fourths on the width. Got that? Cuz we only kinda think it makes sense, ok? Go!

5) Place healthy Turkey-based meat products onto the end of each section and roll until dog is covered in bread, sauce and cheese. Repeat for each dog.

6) Place rolled dogs on baking sheet evenly spaced and bake for 15 to 20 minutes in a 425 degree oven.

7) Enjoy your Cheesy Blasters.

Ty and I found our experience making and eating Cheesy Blasters to be very enjoyable, but we did think that it wouldn’t hurt to double the cheese. Also, you could make several variations on the meal depending upon the type of dog or cheese you use. All of which are valid, but have their own gastrointestinal impact. In the end I found that the old saying was true: Cheesy Blasters in, cheesy blasters out. But you should draw your own conclusions.

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AND THE FAN FAVORITE IS…

23 Comments Posted by on March 27, 2011

Earlier today we revealed that the Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2 Fan Favorite would either be FDot, Michelle M. or
Mikey.  And now … the Fan Favorite of Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2 … will be announced in just a moment!

First, please enjoy Mel‘s celebratory musical selection.
Here’s Green Day performing We Are The Champions:

AND NOW… THE WINNER OF FAN FAVORITE IS….

FDOT!

Congratulations FDot!  Everyone loves you!  Even Craig, who offered this doodle:

FDot offered these words…

“Obviously, winning fan favorite finally allows me the opportunity to hang with the real celebs of this world.  So in an incredibly self-serving manner, I’ve sent over pictures of me with Karen, Angie and Linda, who, prior to my fan favorite status, refused to give me the time of day.  The final picture shows me being accosted by a large gathering of new fans, attracted to me by either the aura of importance I now have, or a pile of birdseed in my hand.”

“But seriously, I would like to thank all those who voted for me and hope I gave a few people chuckles as they read my blurbs week after week after week after……  I love all of you, except for the one of you I only mildly like.”

Congratulations, FDot!

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