Ever since we’ve moved Cocky & Rude to WordPress.com, we’ve been able to track our visitors much easier. The .com version of WordPress (as opposed to the .org version that you install on a website) automatically records all sorts of fun statistics and information about the people that visit our site. And like most trackers, it gives us a list of the search terms that people are plugging into search engines to find their way to C&R.
Last week, Mush over at Goblinbox recorded all-time visitor highs when she wrote about Net Neutrality and Egypt. Her post became the first result for people searching “egypt net neutrality” on Google, and the rest was history. At C&R, our search topics aren’t … as classy. Here are just a few of our most popular search topics from the last seven days…
“Biggest Cock” I don’t believe we’ve ever blogged about the largest penis, but we are in the middle of a Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser contest. I assume that the people who find their way to our site are probably a little disappointed. We do our best to keep our site around a PG-13, so the odds of finding a photo of a giant penis are pretty slim. But in the interest of giving the people what they want, I’ve done a little Googling myself, and found this on Oddee.com:
The official rank of the largest penis belongs to a man measured and documented by Dr. Robert Dickinson in the earlier part of the twentieth century. This record-holding penis was 13.5 inches (34 cm) in length and 6.25 inches (16 cm) in circumference. But the living owner of the world’s biggest human penis is Jonah Falcon. Falcon’s 13.5 inch member has been measured for a TV special, making him one of the few guys who can back up his bodily boasts. (source)
“How Much Does the Stuffed Animal in the H&R Block Commercial Weigh“
I have no idea. And who cares? Don’t you people have anything better to do? Obviously these searchers are finding their way to Mikey’s Be Nice To Bunny post. I was able to find that it is 16 feet tall. Is that good enough for you?
“Tim Urban”
This barely talented American Idol cast-off from season 9 is always bringing people to C&R. It’s been quite a while since we’ve even mentioned little Timmy, but I guess you’ve got to give the people what they want. I did a little searching and found that Urban released a few songs on iTunes last November. He’s also been auditioning for TV work, hasn’t gotten a haircut lately, and recently had his GPS stolen from his car. How do I know this? It seems that he recently started a really boring video blog on YouTube…
and finally… “Leonardo DiCaprio Penis Boat” Seriously?! What is wrong with you people??? Okay, okay. I’m not going to Google that one for you, because I have no idea what you’re even looking for. Instead, I’ll do what Craig used to do with his search terms. I’ll draw it!
Don’t you just feel complete, now that you’ve seen a Leonardo DiCaprio Penis Boat? Me too! Happy Monday, everybody! And may your searching always lead you back to Cocky & Rude!
Today is the day that we say farewell to our third eliminated Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2 team. Earlier today we revealed that Tyler-Exia & Buli-Mikey is safe from elimination. That leaves two teams to face elimination today:
Doctor And The Bunnyman, which is made up of Mel and John.
Craiggo, which is made up of Craig and Craig.
But before we reveal the eliminated team, here’s a farewell video that Joshrico of Josh Is Trashy and Hotel Tuesday have picked out! Please enjoy this (rather blunt) farewell tune.
And now, the second eliminated of Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2 is…
CRAIGGO!
Goodbye Craig! At least you can fall back on that endorsement deal…
That means that Tyler-Exia & Buli-Mikey is safe for another week!
Don’t be too sad, Craig — you still have a chance to win. This year we’ll be awarding our Rudest Loser prize to the eliminated player that loses the most weight. Keep working hard to drop some pounds, and we’ll check back in with you on April 7th!
Today is the day that we say farewell to our third eliminated Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2 team. It’s been an exciting week of weight-loss, and most contestants are doing great! But like every Sunday until the end of the contest, players must be eliminated. The three teams who lost the least weight and are on the chopping block this week are:
Doctor And The Bunnyman, which is made up of Mel and John.
Tyler-Exia & Buli-Mikey, which is made up of Ty and Mikey.
Craiggo, which is made up of Craig and Craig.
But before we reveal the first safe team of the week, here’s a song for you to enjoy that Joshrico of JoshIsTrashy and Hotel Tuesday have picked out for you to enjoy!
Wasn’t that great? And now … without further ado, the first team that’s safe from elimination this week is…
TYLER-EXIA & BULI-MIKEY!
Congratulations, this means that you’re still in the competition!
That means that either Craiggo or Doctor And The Bunnyman will be eliminated this week.
Which team will we say goodbye to? You’ll have to wait until Noon for the results!
Teachers are always using this question as a dumb writing prompt or a way to keep the class quiet for fifteen minutes while they wait for their hangover to subside. Every kid writes down something dumb, hands it in, and the teacher chucks them in the recycling bin when no one is looking. Then it’s a on to a Disney movie and some worksheets until the bell rings! Yay!
When I was in sixth(?) grade, I was fat, tormented, a band nerd, and a closeted homosexual. Boo hoo! My language arts teacher assigned us this very question, but with a twist. Instead of describing yourself, you had to describe a randomly assigned classmate. A very dangerous proposition, as one of my tormentors could have called me something awful. But this is what I got:
Isn’t that sweet? I really liked what she wrote, and I saved it forever! AllyOop!
So, my bloggy friends, I challenge you with this: Pick a few other bloggy friends and describe them as animals. What animal is Tam, Polt, Michelle M., Mikey, John, Mush, Paul, Enrico, Craig, Josh, Ryan, Mel and the rest of the bloggy gang? Maybe they’re strong like an ox, stupid and ugly like a horse, or annoying like a fly? Or they’re faithful like dog, smart and aloof like a cat, or hairy and ugly like a human being! Tell us what you think!
Last week Adam told us what he goes through when he is stressed. It was a fun little look into his funny little brain. My companion post to that is about what I do when I have writer’s block. It seems odd that the few times I actually end up blogging these days are often fraught with anxiety on my part, but the reality is I generally open a post and stare at the screen for a good twenty minutes before I can even get word one down on the page. How do I get myself to overcome this painful weekly occurrence?
Youtube
If you hadn’t noticed, I have a tendency to do a bunch of posts about funny videos I find on the web. Naturally these seems like the best starting place, but it is not always the easiest resource to use. Weirdly enough typing the words funny video do not always result in funny videos. And posts with these videos are not always funny.
Wikipedia
This is usually my second line of attack mainly because there is soooooooo much reading involved. I love words, but when you are trying to just get the damn post written they can be cumbersome. On the flip side, I also end up falling into a wiki-hole and reading about things that I absolutely will never write about on the blog. I have a very strong feeling that very few of you would appreciate reading about the many wives of Henry VIII or the names, states, and occupations of all the signers of the Declaration of Independence. In retrospect, I find that this site usually causes me to not get the post done, but could help me with any future plans to get a PhD in History.
Alcohol
Many great writers are alcoholics. I aspire to be just like them. That is why I drink. The stress of not knowing what to write is alleviated by the cool fresh quaff of gin and then the stuff causes my brain to get all lubed up. My lubed up brain is then more willing and able to write about anything at all. It is also more likely to doze off, which is why this post is getting written in the wee hours of the morning.
Self-Deprecation
The last resort and often the most fruitful is to just start beating myself up. The thing I know the most about is myself and the thing I’m most critical of is myself (well except for when I’m being critical of Adam). I am an endless fount of Woody Allen-esque stories about how much I suck, which says tons about my self-esteem. However, these stories are often the most entertaining. Hating yourself never was as helpful.
Now you know what I go through to get through a post. The magic is gone, but that doesn’t mean our relationship must come to an end. Tell me what you do when you can’t put thought to page. Do you do handstands to make all the blood rush to your head? Do you make random phone calls to old friends hoping that they have something fun you can use without anyone realizing?
The third week of Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser has drawn to a close. This week we asked each of our contestants how their eating habits have changed since the beginning of the contest. Here’s what they had to say:
John: I went back to a system of eating that has worked for me in the past, eating every two hours whether I am hungry or not. This doesn’t mean eating a full meal, but grazing. I’ve increased my fruit and veggie intake and have murdered lots of apples, bananas, string beans and peppers. I’ve also increased my fiber and water intake. I swear I spend half my day in the litter box peeing because I have been drinking so much water. So far, I’ve been pretty successful, but this week, I’ve learned that if I buy cookies, I eat them. As a result, I’m only down [censored] a pound for a total of down [censored]%.
Mel: I think I must be retaining water or something, because my weight actually went up a bit this week, even though I was assiduous at recording everything I ate and even exercised when I had the chance. Either that or the extreme drop in temperatures we’ve seen this past week threw my body into hibernation mode. Either way, I’m pretty sure it’s a blip in the road, because I have no intention of slacking off. You asked about how this competition has affected my eating habits, and since I basically just went back to recording everything the way I had for the previous year and prior to the holidays, my answer is very little. I’ve been an ovo-lacto vegetarian for 16 years and I generally try to make sensible choices when I eat. What I have found, though, is that it’s easy for my overall caloric intake to get away from me if I don’t keep track of it, so food journaling and tracking calories is really the only way that works for me to keep my weight from getting away from me. Aside from that, I don’t think it’s a good idea to diet in deprivation mode. Then you just feel like you’re missing out, which makes you more likely to break the diet. I have a bit of chocolate, or cheese, or even butter, but I make sure that it’s accounted for and try to keep myself aware of the choices I’m making.
Craig: Well I haven’t resorted to a diet of tofu and mineral water just yet, but Enrico likes to send me yelly texts every time I even look at food (I think he’s stalking me) so I’ve been working on creating some better eating habits. I don’t eat anything after 9PM. (It really should be 8PM, but I get home late, so 9PM it is.) I’ve also been lowering my portion sizes at meals (if I told my Mom I wasn’t eating the dinner she cooked me I’d most likely get a shoe to the head, possibly while she was still wearing it) and cutting out (most, I’m only human!) snacks and alcohol. (I love parentheses!)
Enrico has decided to quit the competition.
Mr. Sombrero opts for a mostly liquid diet!
GINGY & THE HAT Adam & Mr. Sombrero
Mr. Sombrero: Since I got over the flu, I’ve starting eating solid foods again, so I actually gained a bit. And that helped me realize the secret to permanent weight loss: liquid foods!!!, which translates into: Breakfast: Soup, Lunch: Soup, Dinner: Soup, Repeat! So today, guess what I had for lunch. (Hint: see pic).
Adam: I’ve done my best to control my portion sizes and to eliminate nearly all the junk food that I used to eat on a daily basis. No more chips, cookies, soft pretzels, crackers slathered in peanut butter, etc. When I’m not stuffing my face with pretzels, I now opt for healthier alternative like apples, oranges, bananas, grapes and raisins.
Jere: My eating habits have not changed much. I pay a little bit more attention to portions (like this morning, I had 2 eggs with breakfast instead of 3). I also try to plan ahead for healthy snacks/light meals throughout the day.
Polt: I’ve already mentioned the changes in my eating habits, but I’ll do it again now that it’s this week’s theme. I’ve cut way back on the thing I splurge on the most: Pepsi. I’m back to one can a day (except when I’m watching football, but I’ve only got one more game of that left…GO PACKERS!). I drink a lot of water in it’s place. I’ve cut back on the eating after 8:00 pm. And I’m eating smaller portions. I still have Mexican food, steak and fries, pasta, but I eat less of them all at one time. And then the next night, I have the leftovers. And for snacks, I’m gorging on celery, apples, oranges that kinda stuff.
Paul: My eating habits have changed drastically. Calorie counting is not so much important to me as how food will affect my blood sugar levels. I have packed food for me to eat every day I go to work and have been cooking dinner for myself every night instead of getting something. Since pasta sends my blood sugar sky-high I have pretty much eliminated it from my diet along with white bread, cheese, mayonnaise, and of course sweets. I have also avoided the almost weekly tradition of having a cake at the office for some reason or another.
FDot: All dieting and no chocolate makes FDot a dull boy. All Dieting and no Chocolate makes FDot a dull boy. All dieting and “no chocolate” makes FDot a dull boy. All dieting and no chocolate makes FDot a dull boy. All [dieting] and no chocolate (makes FDot) a dull boy. All dieting and no chocolate; makes Fdot a dull boy. All diet, ing and no choco(late) makes FDot: a dull boy. All dieting and no chocolate makes FDot a dull boy. All dieting and no chocolate makes FDot a dull boy. All dieting….and no cocolate….makes FDot a dull boy. All Dieting and. No chocolate makes. FDot a dull boy. All dieting and no choco
Mush: I have a better understanding of portion size. It is that the appropriate amount of any food is slightly less than half as much as you want.
Ryan: The biggest change in my eating habits has been that I measure everything. When eating at home, anything that doesn’t come in single serving units passes through a measuring cup or the kitchen scale. This has encouraged me to bring lunch to work because figuring out the nutritional value of cafeteria meal is hard. Other changes include no more honey in my oatmeal (raisins are sweet enough), no more automatically getting a side of fries, and buying and actually eating fruits and vegetables.
TYLER-EXIA & BULI-MIKEY Mikey & Ty
Mikey: I have taken a two pronged approach to changing my eating habits: cook at home and less fat. It seems to be working. By focusing on preparing (or having Ty prepare for me) healthier meals with lower fat contents I have been losing weight. I also could be losing weight by trudging through the snow that seems to come EVERY DAY now. I just need to get that real exercise thing really going…
Ty: Greetings from Plateau-ville. As I mentioned at the beginning of this thing, my plan as far as diet was concerned was to just watch what I ate more closely. I’ve continued to do reasonably well on that front, choosing lighter options, leaving out the bag of chips at lunch, keeping portion size in check, etc. But as I also mentioned, the resulting weight loss is not likely to happen fast enough to compete with serious dieting, which I refuse to do. So I guess maybe in addition to watching what I eat, I need to start watching…gulp…what I DRINK.
How did our teams do in the first week? It’s time to find out! We’ve added the total percentages for each team. For CRAIGGO, we’ve doubled Craig’s percentage. Here are the results:
And now it’s time to eliminate a team! Here’s how it works: just like American Idol, you vote for the team that you want to save. The team with the least votes will be eliminated. Polls close around Noon (EST) on Saturday.
Please feel free to plead your case, campaign, laugh, cry, beg, solicit, or sound off in the comments. And look for the third elimination results on Sunday!
On last week’s Have You Ever… Been A Big Huge Freak’n Nerd?! quiz, Josh commented, “if this was based on being a music n3rd, I would totez have answered yes to all!” So we at C&R invited Josh and Enrico to write such a quiz. The rules are simple. For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments section.
1. Have you ever purchased a cassette? 2. Have you ever purchased a CD? 3. Have you ever purchased a record? 4. Have you ever purchased a cassette/CD/record the day it came out? 5. Have you ever purchased an mp3 player? 6. Have you ever requested a song at a club/bar? 7. Have you ever been to a concert? 8. Have you ever sang a song live for an audience? 9. Do you know all the words to at least 10 songs? 10. Do you know all the words to at least 50 songs? 11. Can you read sheet music? 12. Have you ever played a complete song on a musical instrument? 13. Have you ever learned how to play a musical instrument just because you wanted to play a song you really love? 14. Have you ever taken a lesson in vocal or instrument training? 15. Have you ever done a vocal audition? 16. Have you ever watched American Idol? 17. Have you ever checked the Billboard Hot 100 on Thursday morning? 18. Can you name at least 10 songs that have reached #1 on the Billboard Hot 100? 19. Can you name at least 5 of the 20 best-selling albums of all time? 20. Have you ever watched the GRAMMY Awards? 21. Have you ever had a GRAMMY Award party? 22. Have you ever danced to a song when no one was looking? 23. Have you ever woken up early to hear a song debut on the radio? 24. Have you ever used lyrics as a status message/away message? 25. Have you listened to sad love songs and cried because you were single and/or unloveable?
By Joshrico of 
9. Do you know all the words to at least 10 songs?
19. Can you name at least 5 of the 20 best-selling albums of all time?
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