Monthly Archives: August 2010

Gotta love the Homogay

13 Comments Posted by on August 30, 2010

As a purveyor of the Gay Agenda, my office gets its fair share of loony communiqués. Back when IGLHRC was founded, most of these were in the form of carefully crafted letters that one could easily mistake for the collage work of 6-year-old if there weren’t all those mentions of bodily functions that we gays supposedly love. These are all amusingly saved for historical reasons in a drawer at the office.

But the homophobes have embraced technology and have gone digital. Most our special inquires come to us through the ether of the electronic postal service. We usually get a hearty chuckle out of them and then file them under “when you are feeling blue.” When we are actually able to crack the news cycle and get some press, we tend to get a wider variety of these messages. The one thing that links most (if not all) of these notes to each other is the use of religion as a justification for their intolerance, which must make baby Jesus very proud.

One gentleman who indicated that he was Dr. Hate Heart (names have been changed to protect the guilty) turned out to be the leader of a religious community in the wilds of Pennsylvania. Sure a Doctor of Divinity makes you a Dr., but do you think we really would think you were a renowned surgeon instead? Nope. His words were simple “I do not believe in what you do and so do a lot of people. I do not support it.” I’m very glad all that learnin’ didn’t go to waste. That is one mighty fine argument you’ve got there, Dr. Hate Heart.

More frequently we get length, twisty, convoluted tomes peppered with quotations from the bible and full of offensive statements about everyone who is not a white, straight male. One correspondence used quotation marks so often that you could imagine them doing finger quotes throughout. In fact, one day soon I’m going to get the staff together to do a dramatic reading of that email. To preserve the sanctity of that particular message, I am going to pull several poignant quotations for you all to read.

That brings to mind nihggaer racists like “the” “reverend” “doctor” “martin luther” King. The “reverend” Jesse Jackson. The “reverend” Al Sharpton. The “reverend” honkey Barry Lynn. And on and on, all preaching strange gospels – to each of whom a mere salutation of “Mister” would amply suffice.

I don’t understand this. He is contesting everything about Dr. King including his name. Does he not realize that that really was Dr. King’s name? Also, if you are going to use awful racist language, please spellcheck. A sloppy bigot is loved by no one.

Our author goes on to rewrite the bible quotations to make sure we know that the verses they are using are about the gays, or as they are loving called here: “homogays.”

I Corinthians 6:18 Shun [homogay and other] immorality. Every other sin which a man commits is outside the body; but the [effeminate/sodomite] immoral man sins against his own body.

Great! I didn’t realize I was supposed to choose between being effeminate and being a sodomite. I never get the right answers to these stupid morality games…

Not all people of faith are homophobes though, and some homogays even considered themselves to be very spiritual. It is when religious doctrines and teachings are used to misinform and distort reality we run into problems. Maggie Gallagher, formerly of the National Organization for Marriage, loves to talk about herself as the savior of traditional marriage and she often uses religion as her battering ram. I was quite amused yesterday when Adam sent me the clip below. I think I might just like this St. Peter guy.

http://www.youtube.com/v/2bCu2eGCjz4?fs=1&hl=en_US

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Ranting & Raving , , , , ,

There and Back Again

11 Comments Posted by on August 30, 2010

As you know (if you read this post), I traveled to New Hampshire and back last week.  We left on Sunday morning, right when the skies decided to open up and rain its sorrow upon is for days.  Luckily we still had about a day and a half of nice weather … and plenty of time to take hundreds of photos.  Here are the highlights:

Here’s our campsite at Eastern Slope Camping Area.  I don’t really like sharing my tent, so my brother and I both have our own.  Mine is the yellow, white and blue one in the front.

Just through the treeline in the previous photo is the bank of the Saco River.  It’s a weird, slow-moving river with sandy shores and crystal clear water (at least in the Conway, NH area).  Lots of people swim, canoe and tube in this river, but river-swimming creeps me out, so I did not partake.

The campground featured “Free Wifi” (I guess it only reached to the bounds of the ‘office and store?), so I was stuck in my tent without Internet access!  “OH THE HUMANITY!” I screamed over and over again.  At least this tree had an electrical outlet, so I could charge my cell phone, camera, Kindle, my other camera and my iPod every night.  At least I was able to access the free Wifi at McDonalds…

Each night we had dinner at the same restaurant, Thai Nakon Ping Restaurant‎, where I enjoyed my second alcoholic beverage of the year!  It’s a Singha Beer, imported from Thailand.

While the road signs claim that there are actually Moose in New Hampshire, we did not see any.  If you ever see a moose, you’re supposed to break … otherwise you will just up and die.  I have a feeling that it’s much like hitting a brick wall, cuz those things are huge.

Our plan was to hike Mt. Washington along the 4.1 mile Tuckerman Ravine Trail (pictured above), leaving from Pinkham Notch around 9am.  In reality, my brother quickly realized that he was in much worse shape than when we hiked the mountain two years ago, and we had to turn around about 45 minutes into the hike.  I was crazy-disappointed and kinda pissed … but didn’t feel right leaving him behind to hike the mountain alone.  Next time I go to NH, I’m bringing someone who can handle the hike … any volunteers?

We did end up driving to the top of Mount Washington by way of the Mt. Washington Auto Road. From their website: “Most vehicles take about 30 minutes to make the 7.6 mile ascent and from 30 to 45 minutes to come down depending on traffic, weather conditions and whether or not you need to stop to cool your brakes. The Auto Road is a steep, narrow mountain road without guardrails. The average grade is 12%. As the sign at the base of the Road states – “If you have a fear of heights, you may not appreciate this driving experience”.”

Driving up the mountain was actually a lot scarier than I was expecting.  I’ve never really had an issue with heights, but the lack of a guardrail kinda freaked me out a little bit.  I know that guardrails don’t really protect you … but knowing that I could drive off the road and go barreling down the side of a mountain at any moment was a little freaky.

Seriously… Ahhhh!  I found that holding on tight to the steering wheel and keeping my eyes pointed directly at the road was helpful.

Views from the summit of Mt. Washington were breathtaking.  From Wikipedia:  Mount Washington is the highest peak in the Northeastern United States at 6,288 ft (1,917 m). It is famous for its dangerously erratic weather, and long held the record for the highest wind gust directly measured at the Earth’s surface, 231 mph (372 km/h) on the afternoon of April 12, 1934.

Here I am, perched on top of the world and grinning like an idiot.

Luckily the drive down the mountain didn’t freak me out as much.  To avoid overheating the brakes, we made lots of stops on the way down to take photos, wander around, pee in the bushes and enjoy the sites.  Here’s another shot of the breathtaking views from Mt. Washington.

The weather that day was amazing, and I really regret not being able to hike the mountain.  I guess I’ll have to wait until next year…

The drive home was another rainy mess, as baby Jesus decided to cry all over us for the 7-hour, 415 mile drive.  Clearly there were some high points, but the rain + no hiking = kind of a sucky vacation.  At least I had four more days off of work after I returned, to bum around NJ with my friends and family.  …but yay!  I get to go back to work today!  ((slams head against desk in disgust))

Adam is Insane, Adventures in Real Life , , , , , , ,

Adam vs. Patience

6 Comments Posted by on August 29, 2010

Way before YouTube, when dinosaurs roamed the Internet, the best way to watch a web video was to download the video file with your super slow dial-up connection and watch it in a Windows Media Player or some other funky old shit media player.  One of the first (non-porn) videos that I remember downloading was this music video by James Kochalka Superstar:

http://www.youtube.com/v/I_QsCXm1vrk?fs=1&hl=en_US

These days, people (including myself) will often skip a web video if they’re forced to first watch a 15- or 30-second commercial bumper.  Imagine how long it took me to download James Kochalka’s masterpiece in the mid ’90s?  These days, as the the Internet pipes move information faster and faster to us, our patience seems to be growing smaller and smaller.

These are the kind of things that I would think about while I was laying in a tent last week, in the middle of New Hampshire.  Flashlight in hand, trying to check my email with the experimental Kindle web browser.  With only two bars of service, loading a single email took roughly 2-3 minutes.  Let’s just say … this monkey was not happy with his robot.  He also was a little annoyed that Facebook feels it necessary to notify you for every little thing.

More on my vacation tomorrow…

Adam is Insane, Adventures in Real Life , , , , ,

When in doubt, go with Kristen Bell

6 Comments Posted by on August 28, 2010

I really don’t know what to write about today. Therefore I am going to cheat and answer all your prayers with some well deserved Kristen Bell. When you combine her with Betty White, Sigourney Weaver and some other chick I’ve never heard of you get magic. I hope you enjoy this, because it is all I have to give right now.

Stupid & Fun , , , ,

Just Add Nonsense

6 Comments Posted by on August 27, 2010

Now with more serial killers!

You may have heard of this cute little website called Meet-Up.  On this website, net savvy people search for people in their area who have similar interests or who want to just get out and enjoy life with other people.  I think most of these people have issues socializing and making friends so it shouldn’t surprise anyone to know that I joined a while ago to see if there was some cool group of people just for me out there.  I have been consistently amused with my suggested meet-up groups.  Frankly, they have been kind of scary.

Let’s start with the groups I got invited to just yesterday.  First was called “Fortysomething Single Professionals/Writers/Intellectuals.” Seriously? I’m not even close to that decade in life.  And how exactly did the website suggest that group to me with my random selection of interests being “Gay Rights,” “Trivia,” “Books,” and “Feminism.”  Apparently Anne who organized the group is also somewhat of an intellectual snob.  She actually indicated that attendees must have a Bachelor’s Degree to participate.  No one has ever been a professional, a writer or an intellectual without the sacred B.A.  After I recovered from the shock of being labeled old and boring, I got an invitation to join “Young Gay Science and Math Teachers.”  How can a website suggest a 40+ group and then a “young” group on the same day?  And how many people does this organizer think they are going to find?  I know in NYC there are a lot of faggots, but how many are science and math teachers.  None!  They teach the gay subjects of art and home economics.

There are a few more shockers that came through the portal of random.  I have also been invited to “Gay Church of Satan” (WTF?) and “NYC Singles Over 35 Musical Theater Lovers.” The first one is shocking because everyone knows that all gays worship Satan whether we go to church or not.  And the second is shocking because any real afficionado of musicals would have used the proper spelling of theatre.

The previous groups were absolutely sublime compared to the more absurd groups with which I have been technologically matched.  My extremely valuable and highly competitive membership has been requested for the “NYC Chinese Karaoke” group.  I don’t know if they are aware, but my Mandarin sucks. Unless they have Gaga.  Gaga is the same in all languages.

My absolute favorite group to which I was invited was “Luke DogWalker Play Group.” I eventually found out that this was not some canine version of Star Wars, but really a group of people who want to have their dogs play with other people’s dogs or something.  I liked my version better.

I just can’t wait until I am invited to the group “Gay Men with Brown Hair who Blog about their Meet-Up invites” group.

Things Inside Mikey's Head , , , , , , , , , ,

Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser: Week 7

11 Comments Posted by on August 26, 2010

The time has come for our biggest adventure yet: Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser. Our competition is on the road to the finals. So far, Adam & Enrico have been duking it out for the top spot. Has Adam knocked Enrico off that high horse and into the muck (and by muck I mean Lindsay Lohan‘s giant steaming pile of vomit)? Only the readers who immediately scroll down the results chart will know for sure! Let’s check in with all the lards and lardies:

Stop trying to make fetch happen, Adam!

Adam: I was at McDonald’s a few times during my vacation to access free WiFi. While there I drank huge containers of orange juice, which then led to me to a terrible case of the Hershey squirts. I think that contributed to me maintaining the same weight this week. Oh and all the blogging I did while Mikey was slacking off.

Spring: purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr *bite*

Mikey: It is a miracle! On my vacation, I managed to lose a little bit more weight that put me back at my starting weight! Yay! Vacation. I attribute this weight loss to the calories I burned while singing in the car, dancing while drunk, and swimming against rip tides!

Michelle #1: Adam gave me these Kalteen bars. They’re Swedish or something. And they’re supposed to burn up all your carbs. So far I haven’t lost any weight, but if I’m sure if I keep eating them, I’ll be fetch in no time.

Is someone celebrating Jimmy Carter's presidency?

Polt: This week I tried a new tact and actually went on a diet: the peanuts and Asti (as opposed to my regular penis and ass diet) diet. Classy, I know. And it worked so well that I actually gained a few pounds, putting me well above my starting weight. How is it that when I’m on vacation, I lose weight, but at home dieting I put it on??? Maybe I just need another vacation…

Is it fair to put this photo on a diet post? Nope...

Matt: What?!?! I gained a pound! This is ridiculous. I’ve been to the gym 3 times this week. Which is like a record for me. I guess my main mistake was baking all day on Sunday for my soon-to-be-ex-coworkers. This is my last week of working at my judicial clerkship before I’m forced into the real world of being an actual attorney. So I baked to hide my nerves. Brownies and peanut butter frosted chocolate cupcakes (I must be a lot more nervous than I thought). Maybe I should go back to vomiting all solid foods. That seemed to work for me quite well.

Enrico is a pretty lady.

Enrico: Today I ate four donuts, sixteen Big Macs and two loaves of bread. I lay engorged in my bedroom, dreaming of the day when I will no longer be mocked for my thin legs and concave belly. But still, I remain the same weight. Someone tell me, when is it my turn? As I watch the summer come to an end, I think of the cold winter ahead and the time that I will eventually empty my breath from its bad prison. I only hope by then I will need an extra-wide coffin.

Michelle #2: I had my last cigarette on August 14th. For the next seven days, I ate whatever the hell I wanted – cheezy poofs, chocolate truffles, whatever it took to keep me from smoking. Today I weighed [myself] because Mikey was nagging me to and I’m now at an astonishing -5.30%. Yes, quitting smoking has garnered me eight total pounds of weight gain. EIGHT MOTHERFUCKING POUNDS. Go to the store and pick up eight pounds of hamburger and stand there with it: THAT’S what I’ve gained. Needless to say, I won’t be winning this competition. But at least I don’t smoke anymore.

Contestant % Lost Place
Enrico -8.18% Biggest Cock!
Adam 5.74% 2nd Place
Matt 3.00% 3rd Place
Spring, Mikey, Michelle #1
 0.00% 4th Place
Polt
 -1.15% 5th Place
Michelle #2
 -5.32% Rudest Loser!

So there you have it folks! With only two more weeks left in our competition and it still looks like either Enrico or Adam will have the Biggest Cock.  But you never know what is around the bend.  Maybe Michelle #1 will lose all of her water weight and the pounds will slide off!  Or Mikey might even lose 10% of his body weight in two weeks by resorting to the old Master Cleanse.  Get your lemons and maple syrup ready folks…this could just be a photo finish.

My weight loss is still 0.00%.

This is due to the fact that I am basically not trying to lose weight in any organized way at all; since this contest began I have been eating Mexican food, goat’s milk brie, and potato chips with sour cream dip. I have exercised, like, three times. My caloric intake of alcohol alone the first week was… let’s just say it was a lot.

The good news, though, is that being in this contest has kept me aware enough to maintain. Without the contest, I’d probably be gaining right now. So thank you boys for that.

Of course, it ain’t over ’til it’s over. I could mummify myself at the last minute and totally win this thing, bitchez! Whoo hoo!

Lose'n Weight , , , , , , , , ,

The Pukey Adventures of Rainbow Poo

16 Comments Posted by on August 25, 2010

Previously on The Messy Adventures of Rainbow Poo:

Chapter One: Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV & Part V
Chapter Two: Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV
Chapter Three: Part I, Part II, Part III … and now, Part IV:

Comic Strips , , , , , ,

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