The time has come for our biggest adventure yet: Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser. Welcome back to our weekly weight loss adventure. Another week has passed and our contestants are sweating to the oldies so often that their hair is starting to look way too much like Richard Simmons‘! Last week, Enrico had doubled in weight AND width to take the cake! Can he do it again??? Let’s see!
Mikey's new diet? Liquid breakfasts, lunches & dinners.
This week, most of our contestants submitted photos of their refrigerators. For a nosey closer look at those, and all of the photos, just click to enlarge!
Mikey: I managed to lose tons of weight this week. I attribute this to the few hours I do not recall from last Thursday evening. Something happened on that N train…I just don’t know what.
Adam's fridge houses only vegetables & beverages.
Adam: I’ve decided that I’m eating too many meals (2 a day!), and need to cut down on that. I didn’t exercise much this week (cuz I was sick), but hopefully I’ll get back into the fitness groove and get back on the high-speed bus to emaciated vegan land!
Polt's fridge contains beer, Pepsi, bacon, candy, & other diet foods.
Spring: Hissssssss!!!! *BITE* *SCRATCH* Meow? MEOW?
Polt: So after finally going off my “all tacos all the time” diet, somehow this week, I managed to lose two pounds. Which sounds really great until you realize that just puts me right back where I began this whole thing.
Michelle #1 has returned to her starting weight!
Michelle #1: Despite having a possessed refrigerator and an evil husband (who buys me chocolates – RUDE!), I managed to lose the weight I put on last week. Now I’m back at my starting weight of EWWW!
Matt feasts on a diet of condiments, milk, eggs and half & half.
Matt: I haven’t had anything to drink, I haven’t eaten anything fried, and I’ve been to the gym every other day. I’m pulling out all the stops here in my effort to defeat Adam’s tapeworm weight loss program, or whatever cheating scheme he devised. And what do get for my troubles? 1 pound? Seriously?!?!? My fridge has nothing but condiments and 1/2 and 1/2 in it. And I will NOT give up my coffee with 1/2 and 1/2. I mean a boy has to live somehow.
Enrico is starting to look a little chubby!
Enrico: After gaining ten pounds in the first two weeks of the competition, I tried to gain ten more pounds this week! But no matter how many donuts I crammed down my throat and how much frosting I slathered on the dozen cupcakes I had for breakfast on Tuesday, I still weigh the same as last week! I guess dancing around my room to Katy Perry’s new single, Teenage Dream is actually a form of exercise! Keeping this weight on me is such a difficult task!!
Michelle #2's new diet? Eat nothing but plastic containers.
Michelle #2: I’m back at 0.00%, which means that I lost the two pounds I gained last week due to The Curse™. Cause for celebration? I doubt it, but I am doing better with portion control, so that’s something. I really should exercise but it’s so hot and I’m so lazy. Could this update be ANY more boring?!
And without further ado, here are the results
for the third week of Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser:
Polt & Spring
*Enrico is playing a game of Bizzaro Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser. Since his goal is to actually GAIN weight, he placed first this week!
Three weeks have gone by! Our losers have gained and lost, and maybe they will gain again! Both Michelles, Polt and Spring are all tied at 0% — a 4-way tie for Rudest Loser! Will those four contestants ever even leave the starting line? Only time will tell! And will Adam try to sabotage those of us attending the Puntabulous pool party? Watch your food folks! He squirts vegan butter out of his nipples (and he might show up with fresh-baked cookies)!!!!