When I was a youngin we had these really boring clinically depressing classes on sexual health. They were obviously trying to teach us something they thought was really important because we had virtually the same course in 6th, 8th, 10th, and 12th grade. Of course there some slight increasing complexity in each iteration, but the basic material was the same.
This is a penis. It is connected to the testicles. They make the spermies, which want to get out, but you must never let them.
This is the vagina. It is a collapsible tube that the penis is inserted into during intercourse. At the end of the vagina is the place where babies are made. And so on…
I was, as always, the ultimate nerd in these classes. I studied and studied…and I memorized all of the material. It was very exciting stuff!! It combined my natural science geekitude with my normal teenage hormonality. It was great!
The majority of our time in each of these classes was devoted to all the ways that sex would hurt you: pregnancy and stds. The worst possible thing you could ever do is end up pregnant with chlamydia. If that happened, you were the a lost soul and life as you knew it would end forever. Of course they told us all the things you could get and that you could prevent getting them by not having sex (big duh!) or using a condom. It got really redundant.
In my fooling around on the internet, I found a preview for a Sex Ed oriented video game. I am not much of a gamer, but somehow I doubt it is going to be the latest fad amongst the kids. Shooting pubic lice with a gun will never be as exciting as those Grand Theft Auto games are intended to be.
What do you think? Am I wrong? Will Privates be the latest crazy for tweens? How many levels do you think this game will have?
As I’m sure you already know, I’ve been on vaycay for a week. Live’n it up at the Jersey Shore (minus that orange troll Snookie and the guy who always shows off his abs) was all sorts of fun in the sun. Here are some of the highlights:
While I managed to not burn my face (much), I did discover that I have hundreds of thousands of freckles. My freckles faded away when I became ancient, but the sun brought them screaming back. If you connect all the dots, I’d almost look tan! Damn the ginger curse!
I will never, ever miss an opportunity to make an ugly face for the camera. I wore this ugly “Island Sounds” t-shirt in case I was swept out to sea. The bright color would hopefully attract a sexy lifeguard who would then give me mouth to mouth, and we’d live happily ever after. It didn’t work.
On Thursday of last week, I checked out the Barnegat Lighthouse State Park. It was a little over an hour’s drive from where I was staying.
Here I am on the rock jetty that runs for hundreds of miles. I defied death and walked all the way to the end of the slippery rocks.
On the way back, I got my arm stuck between a few rocks. But no worries … after waiting a few minutes for someone to rescue me, I just lopped it off and continued on my way.
Before leaving, I paused for a moment to give the lighthouse a friendly liiiiiiiiick.
While on vacation, I also found time to play a few games of miniature golf. Here is the giant statue of Barnacle Bill at Barnacle Bill’s Amusements.
After a quick inspection of the bum and package area…
I gave him a hearty thumbs-up approval!
Evenings at the beach are always good for a board game with your friends and family. With just a few more letters, I could have spelled “Butt Fucked!”
But like all vacations from reality, my week has come to an end. Now it’s time to get back to work! BOOOOO! Did ya miss me?
This past week has been the long lead up to today’s Pride March here in New York. All the boys are glittered up and buzzing about getting their drink on. And the marchers are getting ready to walk down Fifth Avenue to entertain onlookers. The Pride March originally started as a political demonstration and remained that way for many years. Now it is a processional of non profits trying to remind the community that they exist and corporations with floats decked out in mostly naked boys trying to get us to show them the green. It is a hot sweaty gay old time and I can’t wait to get it over and done.
In my attempt to find something prideful to include in this post, I did find the clip below from the gay Washington DC media. It covers the wedding festivities of two men who have been together for 62 years. In gay terms, this means their relationship is older than Jesus. I hope you enjoy these two sweet octo-studs as they talk about their lives together. They made my cold cynical heart warm up just a bit. Then I went back to shaking my fist at the stray cat in the backyard like the curmudgeon I am.
If you haven’t noticed, Adam has been on vacation. His comments and preprepared posts aside his presence has been sorely missed on the blog. More than that he has been like completely MIA in all the other places too. Well to be honest he was online every day or so, but that is just not enough for those of use who need our daily dose of Adam. I may tease and joke about Adam on the blog, but I must tell you that when he is not around I feel a a hole in my life. I will attempt to outline the things I miss about Adam below. This is in no way a finite list of all things great and awesome about him.
1) Adam is a ginger. I may joke about Gingers being evil or something, but in reality they are awesome. I love gingers. I wish I was one.
2) Adam is from New Jersey. Although Adam’s vacation didn’t take him outside of the state of New Jersey, I think we should all note that his awesome is related to his being from that state. New Jersey often gets a bum rep (some of which it deserves), but it has produced some awesome people. Adam is one of them.
3) Adam likes cats. Although I have previously indicated my affinity to cats, I like that Adam likes them. If he like the musical Cats things would be different. However, he likes the animals so I can put this in the plus column. Adam takes care of his own cat and others during his volunteer days at a shelter. This is wonderful.
4) Adam and I get into ridiculous arguments over silly pop culture stuff. THIS IS FANTASTIC. Adam and I can have a completely meaningless conversation about a completely irrelevant person. It is great. He often loves the people I hate and vice versa.
There are many more wonderful things about Adam to explore, but I am too tired to think about them right now. What are some great things you like about Adam? Tell us in the comments!
Back when Adam asked me if I wanted to co-blog with him, I was young and shy. I didn’t ask very many questions. I just said “Sure! I think that would be pretty great!” I later learned the rules of blogging with Adam. One of those rules is that the Friday Five was Adam’s territory and that I must never ever attempt to write a Friday Five. So you must never tell anyone that you saw this post, especially Adam! It is 100% super secret and must remain truly only between you, me and everyone else on the internet!
So what are some of Mikey’s Forbidden Favorites of the week??? Aren’t you just dying to read them here in the big lights not down in the comments?!? Well here they come…
Nothing says Friday Five like a man inspired by MacGyver that ends up pulling a MacGruber. That’s why a Connecticutian made my list. He got his arm caught in his own furnace and attempted to cut it off to get free after trying to think like MacGyver! After hacking away at his own flesh, Jonathan Metz failed to dislodge his arm from both the furnace AND his body. He might have been more successful if Betty White rolled up and asked him if he still had the scars from his breast reduction.
Numero Dos on my verboten list is the US Men’s Soccer Team. The boys made it to the round of 16 earlier this week when team captain (and hunk) Landon Donovan chipped the ball into the net at the very very very very end of the game. I was streaming the game on my computer at work behind some work document and when the ball hit the net I jumped and screeched like a teenage girl at a Justin Beiber Concert. It was truly epic.
Troisième in line this Friday is Doctor Who. Adam has been telling me to watch Doctor Who for as long as I have known him. Naturally I ignored his advice. After some time had passed I made two coworkery friends who were into Doctor Who and when one of them had to go back to England via South Africa I was convinced that the fate of our office depended upon maintaining (or increasing) the number of fans in the office. After two episodes, I was hooked. Any show that can reference Britney Spears “Toxic” as a classic earth song deserves my attention and admiration.
Numero Quattro on the list of the lost is Air Conditioning. It is hot, humid and gross outside, but I sleep like a big baby with my air conditioning. We will not discuss the electric bill. It does not exist.
第五の and final item on today’s list are actual babies. Ones that smoke and do drugs to be more precise. It is about damn time that toddlers and infants learned what the rest of us already know: life needs mind-altering chemicals to be bearable. That’s why this baby isn’t even out of diapers yet, but he knows how to hold his bong. And surely you have already seen the cutie from Indonesia.
Failed McGyver, US Men’s Soccer, Doctor Who, Air Conditioning, and the substance abuse babies are on my yay list! What’s on yours? Share in the comments!
P.S. Contrary to the preamble of this post, Adam fully endorsed this post. He does not vouch for its contents, but he did say I could do it. I swear!
Many of you were horrified at what happened during last week’s Deer vs. Dog battle royale. I know that Adam was all teary eyed and made lots of vulgar sounds. As a supposed vegan he even said he would throw a rock at the deer, which we all know would cause the deer to die a sudden death, chop itself up into venison burgers, and force Adam to eat it. All vegan non-violence stuff aside, I decided we needed some happy animal moments to balance out the mood on the blog.
I found this clip which depicts what happens when two dogs take on some puny little car.
I loved that! My favorite part is at the end when the darker dog gets back up and barks at the car as it pulls away. Here is what I imagine is going through those dogs heads as they confront this car.
Take that you car, you! And top it off…I’m gonna bark to show you who’s boss. Now if that was a vacuum cleaner rather than a remote control car, that dog would have been scared out of its mind.
As you can tell, I am partial to dogs because they are of superior intellect to cats. What are cats known for other than scratching you, hacking up hairballs on your carpet, and pooing in your house? Nothing! But I did find this adorable kitten clip that I figured people who like cats would enjoy seeing.
This was an incredibly lazy post. I knew I shouldn’t have used ALL of Adam’s posts so early in the week, but they were just too tempting. Besides I miss that little bugger…
If you haven’t noticed, Adam has been on vacation. His comments and preprepared posts aside his presence has been sorely missed on the blog. More than that he has been like completely MIA in all the other places too. Well to be honest he was online every day or so, but that is just not enough for those of use who need our daily dose of Adam. I may tease and joke about Adam on the blog, but I must tell you that when he is not around I feel a a hole in my life. I will attempt to outline the things I miss about Adam below. This is in no way a finite list of all things great and awesome about him.
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