Cocky&Rude

I have often wondered what brown could do for me. Mainly since UPS started using that for their slogan a while back. I hadn’t had any real reason to question what UPS could do for me. I was pleased with the delivery services they offered. And like many erotic stories I have read the man who makes the UPS deliveries to my office building is unquestionably gorgeous. In fact, when ever I order something to be delivered to my office I will usually opt for UPS over Fedex if the costs are the same just to ogle that man.

Little did I know that UPS is one of the signs of the impending Justin Bieber-related apocalypse. I guess I should have answered the question “what can brown do for you?” more fervently when it first popped into the zietgeist. My first reaction was “uhh..isn’t that kinda racist?” and then I started to think about other brown things…and you get the picture. When UPS was asking that question, I should have responded with the following phrase “Deliver my fucking boxes, Assholes.” Somehow, I don’t think they wanted to hear that.

Why does Mikey use such harsh language to describe those who have ruined the music of Postal Service (ha…get it! doi) for all of mankind by making it the soundtrack of their longhaired skinny asswipe commercials? Well…let me tell you a tale of packages undelivered and the “service” I was given.

I left work early yesterday to be at my home on time for the packages that I was eagerly anticipating. I was abuzz with energy. Perhaps a bit thrilled at the prospect of getting some new things. I made it home by 3:30 and started to prepare my bedroom for the arrival of my 5 packages that once assembled would equal one beautiful bed. I even stood my mattress up against the wall to create space in which to work. 45 minutes later I was all done preparing the room and figured I should probably check the tracking of my package. This isn’t odd. We all obsessive track packages that we are eager to receive, right? One of the true pleasures of using the internet is buying crap online and then stalking it all the way to your hands! Well…these packages didn’t make it to my hands. Apparently ten minutes before I checked the status of my packages, the UPS man “attempted” delivery. What? This must be a mistake. I was home! There was no post-it notie thing on the door when I came in. I ran up to the front and what did I find but the little UPS calling card indicating that they tried to deliver my package but no one was home. But I WAS HOME! I MADE SURE I WAS HOME!!!

After a few moments of dumbfoundness, I pulled myself together and called UPS. I feel badly for the call center operator who got me because I was very forceful, not rude or vulgar, but very assertive when I called. I actually worked in a call center at one point in my life and I can safely say that call center operators provide a much needed release to the many Americans who struggle with the fact that the sales motto has shifted from “the customer is always right” to “tell the customer whatever they want to hear and then do the opposite.” The nice young man I spoke with assured me that there was obviously some mistake and that he would forward my complaint to the local shipping center who will call me within the hour. He also informed me that there was a good chance I would still get my packages that day since UPS delivers up to 7 pm.

Twenty minutes later the local shipping center called me to inform me that my buzzer must be broken. I told the woman on the line that I had never had any problem with the buzzer before and I promptly walked up to the buzzer and demonstrated that it was not faulty. She then said “well I can ask him to come back or you could meet him somewhere to get your packages.” I don’t know about you, but my idea of delivery service is that the items are brought to you. Also given the fact that I am a staunch urbanite without a car, I would have to rent one in order to meet him somewhere. After I was finished laughing at her, I informed her that “no, I will not meet him somewhere. Tell him to come back and make the delivery.” Then she whined “welllllllll….i dunno…it was at the end of his route, but I’ll see and call you back.”

One hour later I still hadn’t heard back from the fine young woman at my local UPS shipping center, so I attempted to call her myself only to find that the number I was called from is a “non-working” number. Yay! I called the general line again where I spoke with a woman who didn’t seem to understand what I was talking about, so I asked for her supervisor. The supervisor was just as clueless as the first woman I spoke with but she did tell me that I was in luck because UPS makes delivers up to 8pm. Umm…okay. She then offered to call the local shipping center and tell them to call me with an ETA and that she would call me back within an hour. I never heard from her again nor did the local shipping center call.

One hour from my previous call I called UPS one final time hoping against hope that they would tell me that my package was en route back to my apartment. I got no such response. I did hear that I was in luck because UPS makes deliveries up to 9pm. It was at this point that I pointed out that on two previous calls I was told that UPS makes deliveries up to 7pm and 8pm. Does this company operate by telling customers increasingly later delivery times until they shut up? I think so.

My saga came to an end at 8:40pm. I guess that last operator was right about the time of final delivery. However my night was just beginning. Since I had already prepared my room for the arrival of my new bed, I decided what the hell I’ll put the damn thing together.

So what is the moral of the story, folks? Did I waste my time working the phones to get my package delivered? Maybe. Should I just thank the postal gods that I got my package delivered at all? Yes. Given the choice between UPS and another delivery method, which will I choose? The other one. But since the other offices of my building have the same UPS delivery man at least I get to ogle him without having to rely on his company.

I leave you with the clip below, which demonstrates some of UPS’s other dubious delivery practices.