Monthly Archives: March 2010

Idol Soars with Snores and Bores

It’s Idol night again, and with Usher as this week’s mentor, how could anything go wrong?  Seriously, first Miley and now Usher? I’m sorry, but I’m just not feeling the mentors so far this season. Can’t we do any better? And speaking of “better” … why aren’t the top ten any better? This season has thrown a pretty mediocre bunch of performers into our faces, and lately I find myself cringing more than I’m enjoying the performances.

So how’d they do this week? Crazy Siobhan sang Chaka Khan’s Through the Fire and she was surprising terrible. So was her face when the judges told her how awful she was. Casey James sang Sam and Dave’s Hold On, I’m Coming, and he was surprisingly good.  Michael Lynch sang India.Arie’s Ready For Love and he was … alright?  I’m just not seeing (or hearing) the appeal of Big Mike, are you?  Didi Benami sang Jimmy Ruffin’s What Becomes of the Brokenhearted, which was a randomly emotional song for her, but she wouldn’t tell us why.  Don’t keep secrets from us!  Doesn’t she know that an emotional connection with the audience will win her votes?!  The only secret she didn’t keep from us was her lack of singing talent.  Blechk!  And speaking of bleckh, Tim Urban sang Anita Baker’s Sweet Love, and he was awful.  Like really, really, really awful.  Please don’t Vote For The Worst this week and send this mop-top packing!

And more … after the break.

http://www.youtube.com/v/2iV87R3k6xwhl=en_USfs=1

OMG isn’t Kris Allen dreamy??  So anyway … Andrew Garcia sang abusive Chris Brown’s Forever and he wasn’t as bad as he usually is.  His mother was dressed in zebra striped and had words with Simon, which was slightly entertaining.   Katie Stevens put me to sleep when she sang Urethra’s Chain of Fools which was alright, but pretty boring. *snore*  ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz *drool* … and what did I dream of?  Yes!  Kris Allen again!

http://www.youtube.com/v/V3N5CsXYlCkhl=en_USfs=1

I love the way he sings out of the corner of his perfect little mouth …

But suddenly I was awoken by my two favorites: Lee DeWyze and Crystal Bowersox! My tolerance for Idol was restored as I swooned for Lee DeWyze (who performed Cornelius Brothers’ Treat Her Like A Lady). That boy’s got a lot of talent!  The judges seemed to think he was the best of the night, and I agree!  Bowersox was up next with another perfect song choice: Gladys Knight and the Pips’ Midnight Train to Georgia. This is a song that I like to sing every time I’m waiting on a train platform, but (and it pains me to admit this), she sang it WAY better than I’ve ever done.

Finally, Midget Baby Aaron Kelly sang Bill Withers’ Ain’t No Sunshine.  His creepy tiny baby head made it difficult for me to even hear the performance, but when I closed my eyes and listened, it was just … ok.

So that’s it!  Another week is in the bag.  Who do you think will go home this week?  Will it be Didi, Tim, Katie or Andrew?  Or maybe someone else?  Sing your song in the comments!

Photos swiped from AmericanIdol.com

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Say it ain't so, Ricky?!?!

Just in case you didn’t hear the bombshell news yesterday, Ricky Martin is a “fortunate homosexual man.”  Middle aged women everywhere are just devastated by this news, while everyone in my generation stares at them with blank looks of incredulity on their faces.

Was anyone seriously shocked by this announcement?  He fathered two children through a surrogate with the intentions of raising them alone.  Does this sound like any attractive single straight men you know?  Or what about the fact that he got his big break into the American pop music scene with the help of  the supreme cone-breasted one and predecessor of Lady Gaga: Madonna.

I applaud Ricky’s willingness be public about his sexual orientation.  I have never been a famous musician or artist and had to have my personal life examined by people who seem to think they have some right to all the nitty-gritty details.  But I guess I’m a little sad that he couldn’t do it at the peak of his fame rather than as an attempt to maintain his cultural relevance.

The same goes for Sean Hayes.  I’m probably more bitter about this than most of you (and most people who know me are saying “umm…you are always bitter!”), but I think it has to do with the time that both of these stars were reaching the high points of their careers.  That time just so happen to coincide with the time when I was a young gay man struggling to come out in this heteroworld.  I’m not saying my struggle to come out would have been easier if Martin or Hayes came out to. I’m not that naive (at least not anymore).

I do think it did have an impact on me to see these two men that I identified as gay, not acknowledging it and embracing it, at a time when I was just learning what it meant to be  a big ‘mo.  Unlike most straight people, we gays are born into families that lack adult role models that share our orientations.  I think that’s a big part of why we seek out our own kind and make our own families.  We need people like us out there who make us feel that it will be okay, that our gayness can be celebrated, and that our loves can be loved.

So here is hoping that Ricky’s newly announced gayness can help at least one young person feel accepted in this wild heteroworld.  I will rest easily tonight knowing that my nascent gaydar was on point!

What do you collect?

Since I’ve been moving so frequently in the last few years, I’m constantly trying to downsize my stuff.  I’m often recycling, selling and giving away things … just because I’m sick of carrying them up and down flights of stairs.  But even as I purge my belongings and get ready for my next move (which will probably be at the end of next month), there are a few silly things that I’ve collected over the years that I’ll never ever give up.

Sea Captains
My grandparents always had a wooden sea captain keeping guard over a display cabinet in their house (it’s the one on the left).  He’s old, bearded, pot bellied, and he has a little wooden stump hanging out of his mouth were a pipe used to be.  For whatever reason, I’ve always loved that silly little knickknack.  And a couple years ago, knowing my fondness for him, my grandmother gave him to me.  Thus began my wooden sea captain collection.  The tall one to his right I picked up at a HomeGoods store, to his right is a flat wooden guy that I picked up on a trip to Plymouth, Massachusetts.  On the right in the back is the base of an old ugly captain lamp, and up front is a little ceramic guy whose legs hang over a shelf. It’s not a large collection … but there’s just something silly and appealing about those jacketed fellows.

Plastic Bread Clips
I can’t really explain why I save these things, but I have every one since I moved out of my mom’s basement about six years ago.  I keep a jar on the ledge above my stove, and each time I finish stuffing my face with bread, rolls, pitas, or whatever else is clipped, I toss the clip into that jar.  The fact that I have so many (there’s got to be over a hundred)  is indisputable evidence that I consume way too many carbohydrates, and probably the sole reason for my massive belly girth.

Garden Gnomes
Like my sea captains, I have a strange fascination with garden gnomes.  I’m not sure what it is … but they just make me laugh.  A few months ago I realized that my collection was getting a bit out of control, so I’ve actually been finding a few of them new homes lately.  I don’t wanna be the 29 year old guy with 100 garden gnomes in his apartment.  (What would people think?!) Five or six is plenty.  (The photo to the right was taken when my old coworkers surprised me with a “gnomed” desk as a going away prank.)

So now that I’ve opened up my odd world of sea captains, plastic bread clips and garden gnomes to you, what silly and secret collections do you have?  Can your weirdness even begin to compete with mine?

I BLAME YOU!*

Lee Pace was the star of Pushing Daisies, and he was happy.  Then his show was canceled because you didn’t watch it.  Then Lee Pace was sad.  And now, because Lee Pace needs to pay the bills, he’s starring in Marmaduke.  He’s so much better than 10th billing in [what appears to be] a TERRIBLE movie.  He should be touching people back to life and making delicious pies, not being pulled around the house by a CGI dog!  It’s all your fault, and I blame you!*

*This blame does not include anyone that regularly watched and loved Pushing Daisies.

http://d.yimg.com/m/up/ypp/movies/player.swf

Are You Hetero?

Today I stumbled upon this tool on the Stockholm Pride 2009 website.  It measures how hetero you are based on the words that you tweet!  Is it accurate?  Not really … but it’s fun!  I’ve polled a bunch of the people that I follow.  Here they are in descending order:

Topping the list is CockyAndRude, the twitter account of this blog. Apparently we don’t use enough cliché terms to be considered even 1% hetero.  Next up is me, who is apparently super-duper 84% hetro because I use terms like “boom boom” and “ikea”.  Next on the list is Neil Patrick Harris who uses terms like “milk” and rad” and is clearly straight as well, since his tweets track at 72% hetero.  Next on the list is Craig from Puntabulous.  He’s 66% hetero, since he uses terms such as “bunny,” “booth,” and “circle jerk.”   At 54% and 51% are Josh from Josh Is Trashy and Enrico from Hotel Tuesday, thanks to terms like “asbury park” and “rent” … how half-hetero!  At only 40% hetero is Mikey, because he uses terms such as “gala” and “bukkake.”  And finally, bottoming my list is Conan O’Brien, for using the term “sugar” — it seems that that makes you only 1% hetero.

How hetero are you?

The Cultural Implications of Justin Bieber

another candidateYesterday I decided that Justin Bieber is a sign of the apocalypse.  I do admit that I am prone to hyperbole, but I do not often make statements that invoke images of bad Kirk Cameron movies. I am far more tactful than to force those kinds of thoughts onto anyone.

But seriously, folks…this is a huge problem.  Justin Bieber is quite possibly the most annoying person to emerge from Canada since Neve Campbell.  Now before we get into the whole ” its not her fault that her head is way too big for her body” kind of argument, let’s stay on point.

I know we have seen the throngs of hysteric and obviously undermedicated teenage girls before (see: New Kids on the Block, Backstreet Boys, etc.), but this time it just gives me the heebeejeebies.  First off, his name is pronounced “Bee Burr.” How stupid could a last name get?  It sounds like a rejected R2D2 sound effect.  That’s just tragic.

Secondly, he is often photographed flashing the peace sign with his hands.  I think this is not only proof that there is a coming apocalypse but also an indication that Bieber himself could be the Antichrist.  It has been prophesied that the Antichrist will promote “peace” for a period of time before he starts mowing people down.  Just imagining the carnage this skinny little white boy could create.  He even participated in the positively horrific “We Are the World” remake disaster!

According to this very informative website I am reading, the Antichrist is a “sinister world leader.”  Since Mr. Bieber is ALWAYS trending on twitter, we can only conclude that he is this sinister world leader.  This website further indicates that the Antichrist reigns terror for three and a half years, which means we have long way until we are out of the dark.  The Antichrist is also supposed to have an evil sidekick.

Justin Bieber has Usher. Case closed!

I know there are prepubescent girls (and boys) who just have to get their shriek on over something, but please please please, find someone else.  All of humanity rests in your hands.

Goodbye, Robert Culp.

Way back before Nip/Tuck, Damages, Sons of Anarchy and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, the fX cable network was born. It was 1994, I was 14, and I was obsessed with the wacky newborn network. The station was run out of one giant apartment in Manhattan’s Flatiron District. The network featured a bunch of live and original programs, each shot in different rooms of the apartment. The morning show, which was simply called Breakfast Time, was co-hosted by Tom Bergeron and often featured celebrity interviews in the apartment’s bathroom. Other great shows were Personal fX (a collectible show), The Pet Department (a show about … pets), and Backchat (a show where they simply read letters from views), which hosted by Jeff Probst.

To fill the rest of their days, fX featured a bunch of kitschy shows in their afternoon lineup, like Batman, Wonder Woman, The Green Hornet, and my favorite: The Greatest American Hero.

The Greatest Americna Hero followed an unlikely pair: Ralph Hinkley (which was later changed to “Hanley” after another Hinkley decided to try to assassinate President Reagan), who was a liberal high school teacher played by William Katt, and Bill Maxwell, a right-wing FBI agent.  They partnered after they both experienced an alien encounter in the California desert.  During the encounter, the aliens gave Ralph a superhero suit which granted him super powers, and an instruction manual so he’d know how to use it (which he quickly lost). Together they teamed up to save the world from Commies and a host of other bad guys. The grumpy, yet lovable Bill Maxwell was played by the fantastic Robert Culp.

http://www.hulu.com/embed/JQeD5JUBRkVc6o206ehMLg

But all great things always come to an end.  The apartment eventually disappeared, fX turned into FX, and all the shows were replaced by newer reruns like The X-Files and Married… with Children, movies and NASCAR.  Bergeron eventually went on to Hollywood Squares and Dancing With The Stars and Probst went on to a little show called Survivor.

In my teens I was obsessed with capturing all my favorite television shows on VHS, and my collection included every episode of The X-Files, Star Trek Voyager and Deep Space Nine, and all The Greatest American Hero episodes that I had recorded off of fX.  I’d The Greatest American Hero over and over again.  But like fX, I eventually moved on.  I gave away or trashed all of those VHS tapes.  Only one of those series ever found its way back into my collection, this time as a DVD set: The Greatest American Hero.

Although William Katt played the star of the show, Robert Culp was always my favorite.  He was always grumpy, impatient and just down right funny.  He was the ultimate good guy, fighting for his country during the cold war.  His partner may have had super powers, but Bill Maxwell got the job done with his sharp wit and a side arm.

Culp died on Wednesday, after taking a fall while taking a walk near his home in Las Angeles. He was 79 years old. He was best known known for his hit 1960s television show with Bill Cosby, I Spy. Over the years he appeared in over 150 television shows and movies. In 1999, Culp narrated Eminem and Dr. Dre’s video for Guilty Conscience (below). In 2004 and 2007, he provided a voice for the computer game, Half Life 2 and the Adult Swim hit, Robot Chicken, respectively. Clearly the man had a sense of humor about himself, and wanted to stay relevant in modern Hollywood.  Off screen, Culp was an animal and civil activist, who was most recently known for his efforts to oppose construction of an elephant exhibit at the LA Zoo.

For me, Robert Culp will always be that grumpy, lovable good-guy, Bill Maxwell.  Goodbye, old friend. I’ll miss you.  But I’ll never forget you.

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