I have always considered myself a very liberal person and if asked to choose a party for which I vote most frequently, the answer is quite simply the Democratic Party. Recently I’ve begun to question this firm, core belief that I have. What could make me question my life-long progressiveness? What could change me from a raging homosexual socialist into an immigrant-hating, Obama-blaming, pro-business fascist? Two words: Jan Brewer.
Earlier this week, Arizona Governor Jan Brewer gave the most eloquent and thought-provoking opening statement I have ever had the pleasure of hearing from a candidate in any gubernatorial election in my entire life. Her well-choreographed and consistent statement was clear, direct, and unlike many politician’s claims, completely devoid of hyperbole.
While I could write for hours about how much I love this woman in the daring yellow jacket, I think you should experience her brand of leadership firsthand.
Now that you have picked your jaws up off the floor, you should feel free to vote for whomever you feel is best for the job. Though she did change everything in her 600 days, so what more could you want?
In my own warped world, I like to imagine that everyone is a big, happy homogay until proven otherwise. Today, let’s anal-ize America’s favorite freak show family of retro homo-superiors: The Brady Bunch!
Cindy Brady The youngest with hair of gold (in curls) was most definitely gay. Little Cindy, although she probably had no idea at the time of the show, would likely grow up to be a grade-A carpet-muncher. Check the signs: Cindy was known to speak with a lisp (this is a sign of gay-ness in gurls too, right?). Cindy was often bitchy and complainy (just like every lesbian I know…), mostly about her age and how people treated her. Plus, she gladly shared a tacky pink bedroom with two other girls. And lastly, she was obsessed with her [sex] doll, Kitty Karry-All.
Jan Brady
Poor Jan was a butch snatch grabber who dreamed of one day becoming a lipstick lesbian. Jealous of her older sister’s looks and popularity, Jan drove herself crazy. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! The grumpy wineypuss was always moping around the house and complaining about being different. I can only hope that in later years, Jan learned to accept herself for who she is, bought a Subaru Outback, and found some good ‘ole female love’n.
Marcia Brady Everyone’s favorite oldest Brady sister is clearly a lipstick lesbian. The style, the popularity, the looks, the outfits, the craving for tacos (you must have missed that episode)… this girl is a gay. In an effort to attract the ladies, Marcia was known for brushing her hair 100 strokes a day (to make it shine!) And in her only on-screen sex scene, she reacted very unfavorably towards taking a ball to the face. Trust me, straight girls love to be smacked in the face with a nice set of balls.
Greg Brady The oldest kid in the Brady family, Greg often wore impossibly tight nipple-popping t-shirts and bell-bottoms that accentuated his slim physique and massive package. Greg enjoyed singing and choreographed dancing, especially while wearing matching jumpsuits. Later in the series, Greg moved into the attic, where he could be alone to watch gay porn and explore his body. After The Brady Bunch ended, Greg dabbled in homoporn under the name, “Johnny Bravo.”
Peter Brady Poor Peter went through puberty for about 3 years. His voice squeaked, he grew hair in all sorts of new place and he realized that girls were icky. Peter was often an outcast of the Brady family … probably because he was “different.” Of course, none of this stopped him from blowing a messy load all over seven girls… Maybe he was straight after all? Nahh…
Bobby Brady The tighty-whitey wearing midget Brady was known for his freckles and chipmunk cheeks … but did u know that he was also known for his love of his instrument? Cute little Bobby enjoyed playing with his favorite instrument as much as possible, sometimes as much as eight hours a day! Only a homogay would enjoy “instruments” so much.
Carol Brady Only a lesbian would have such a bad haircut. Seriously, she rocked a mullet for quite a while! And the lack of any innate female skills which necessitated hiring a housekeeper? Carol can’t cook, she can’t clean, she can barely even take care of the kids. Seriously, what lady can’t clean?! Clearly a sign that Carol Brady has a few [dozen] extra Y chromosomes. Years after The Brady Bunch wrapped, Carol Brady was even seen locking lips with everyone’s favorite tuna tosser: Judge Judy.
Mike Brady
Aside from the fact that Mike was portrayed by Robert Reed (a real-life salami swallower), it’s clear that Mike was also of the penile persuasion. His clean, fashionable look alone was super gay. That white-guy afro! Those stylish, snug-fitting clothes! The pension for long-winded speeches about everyone should just get along … clearly gay. Plus the guy worked as an architect. That’s gotta be the third gayest job there is (after hairdresser and US senator).
Alice And finally, the gayest of them all. Alice is one of the bulliest bull-dykes that ever graced the air waves. She was gruff, masculine, and when filming late in the day, often sported a five o’clock shadow. She also lacked complete lack of style, dressing in only a maid’s uniform at all hours of the day. The Brady’s third parent may have had “flirtations” with Sam the Butcher, but clearly that was just an act. He was just her beard. (I have a girlfriend in Canada too … you’ve just never met her … … you believe me, right?) And finally, Alice was always known for cracking all the best jokes, and we all know that only gay people are funny.
Yay! I knew I loved The Brady Bunch for a good reason. It’s because I relate so well with each an every character. I’m bitchy, butch, popular, dabble in gay porn, make messes, enjoy playing with my own instrument, have lots of Y chromosomes, am a real-life salami swallower and I often dress in a maid’s uniform! Plus they’re all big queers, just like me! Who’s your favorite gay Brady? And what’s your fondest gay Brady moment?
The time has come for our biggest adventure yet: Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser. Just like the current season of True Blood, our competition is approaching its one true death. Our contestants can’t wait for this contest to be over so they can go back to eating real food again. This week we have done something a little different. All of our contestants have submitted an update that reflects on the contest so far, and we’ve swapped the usual photos for graphs of their progress over the past 8 weeks!
If Adam loses any more weight, he'll turn probably just turn invisible.
Whose job was it to tell Spring that she was participating in a contest?
Adam: I feel really good about the contest so far. I’ve used it as an excuse to start eating healthier, avoid unnecessary snacking, and to exercise more. I started losing weight before the contest even began, and am now down about 15 pounds in the past 3 months. I feel great, I feel better about my body, and I’m happier overall. And if I look back to my heaviest adult weight, I’ve lost a total of 85 pounds — that’s gotta be nearly the total weight of Enrico, right? Speaking of Enrico… even if I lose to him, I’ll still be happy with my place in the contest!
Spring: I was just informed that I’m in a weight-loss competition. When did this start? Why is Adam such an asshole that he never even told me? How embarrassing that I haven’t even lost a pound. I’d like to formally resign from the competition. Oh? I can’t? Well then… meow, meow, meow. How humiliating.
Mikey's weight chart has more curves in it than a curve store.
Michelle #1 may be a vampire ... check out those big fangs!
Mikey: I’ve had my ups and downs, but overall I’m pretty happy with the whole competition. I weigh less today than I did yesterday… and last week! Woo to the Hoo! I spent my weekend making divine recipes from my latest issue of Cooking Light and getting lots of exercise. This proves that you can eat like a pig 4 days a week, eat healthy 3 days AND still lose weight! Yay! I love my pseudo-science!
Michelle #1: Duncan has nothing on me. After weeks of yo yo dieting, I managed to finish at my starting weight. What I did right: I ate a salad (once) and hula hooped (once) for 45 minutes. What I did wrong: Went on vacation, where I ate (and drank) waaaay too much. Thank goodness I came down with a cold/stomach bug on Friday. If I had one more week I would kick ass. “I’m just one stomach flu away from my goal weight.” – Emily from The Devil Wears Prada
Who cares how much weight he gained or lost... Polt's line is purple!
Matt's steady weight loss looks even better with a ginger-orange line.
Polt: So, after what seems like 17,000 weeks of this contest, we’re winding down. What have I learned? I learned that I’m a shitty dieter, and that somehow I lose weight while on vacation when I’m eating and drinking way too much. I learned that diets of just tacos or just pasta or peanuts and Asti or constantly eating out do not in fact help you lose weight. I learned that to lose weight, I probably DO indeed have to eat the right stuff in the right proportion and get out and exercise. And those reasons are precisely why I’m probably stuck at the weight I am now until I die.
Matt: Looking back over the last few weeks of this weight loss competition, I definitely see areas where I have succeeded, and plenty of areas where I’ve failed miserably. My best success has been that I’ve actually used that gym membership more in the last few weeks than in the past 6 months. So this whole crazy experiment has made me cost-effective, if not more attractive. My biggest failure would be my eating habits. I’ve definitely been thinking of what I eat more, trying to make lighter meals. But I haven’t been counting calories, or really staying away from deliciously bad eats. Like French fries, and alcohol. Whoops!
Will the contest's biggest 'gainer' end up winning the whole thing?
Michelle #2's line is dropping, but we love that water-logged girl to bits!
Enrico: Being in BC&RL has been very important to me. By trying to gain weight, I’ve discovered so much about myself, and even more about delicious foods! While I’ve always loved Big Macs, I never knew how tasty a quarter-pounder with cheese could be! While Chips Ahoy cookies have always been a favorite of mine, I now love Oreos, Nutter Butters, Thin Mints, and various other types of unhealthy snacks. Being in this competition has also taught me that most people don’t really care about their weight. I don’t either… but I do care about winning! See you losers at the finish line!
Michelle #2: I’ve gained 11 pounds since August 4th. (That’s -7.28%, for you math geeks.) It’s some kind of water-retention-girl-hormone thing, it has to be, because I’m not eating five thousand calories a day and if I put my feet up for about ten minutes my ankles reappear. (This hideous condition happened to me once before, three years ago, and lasted almost two months. It may be related to quitting smoking, but I doubt it.) All I can report is that I feel giant and uncomfortable and I really, really don’t like it. Particularly since I felt okay until I got on the scale today, and now I’m all freaked out about being a disgusting water logged behemoth. Please excuse me now, I’m going to go cry for an hour. My diet and fitness regime is non-existent, but other than that binge the first week of my quit I’ve been acting normal: I cook at home the majority of the time, I eat lots of beans and legumes and vegetables, and my alcohol intake is slightly down due to the empty calories. This eleven pound horror is just God punishing me for that seal I clubbed.
Oh! Were you looking for our normal breakdown of who has the Biggest Cock this week? Well too bad! You’ll have to wait until our final post to see the results. Make sure you check back in a week to see how far we have all gone! In the meantime, do you think you know who was on top and bottom this week? [stop laughing at that!! Polt & Craig, I'm talking to you!!] And who do you think will win the whole contest? Choose your Biggest Cocks and Rudest Losers in the comments!
As a purveyor of the Gay Agenda, my office gets its fair share of loony communiqués. Back when IGLHRC was founded, most of these were in the form of carefully crafted letters that one could easily mistake for the collage work of 6-year-old if there weren’t all those mentions of bodily functions that we gays supposedly love. These are all amusingly saved for historical reasons in a drawer at the office.
But the homophobes have embraced technology and have gone digital. Most our special inquires come to us through the ether of the electronic postal service. We usually get a hearty chuckle out of them and then file them under “when you are feeling blue.” When we are actually able to crack the news cycle and get some press, we tend to get a wider variety of these messages. The one thing that links most (if not all) of these notes to each other is the use of religion as a justification for their intolerance, which must make baby Jesus very proud.
One gentleman who indicated that he was Dr. Hate Heart (names have been changed to protect the guilty) turned out to be the leader of a religious community in the wilds of Pennsylvania. Sure a Doctor of Divinity makes you a Dr., but do you think we really would think you were a renowned surgeon instead? Nope. His words were simple “I do not believe in what you do and so do a lot of people. I do not support it.” I’m very glad all that learnin’ didn’t go to waste. That is one mighty fine argument you’ve got there, Dr. Hate Heart.
More frequently we get length, twisty, convoluted tomes peppered with quotations from the bible and full of offensive statements about everyone who is not a white, straight male. One correspondence used quotation marks so often that you could imagine them doing finger quotes throughout. In fact, one day soon I’m going to get the staff together to do a dramatic reading of that email. To preserve the sanctity of that particular message, I am going to pull several poignant quotations for you all to read.
That brings to mind nihggaer racists like “the” “reverend” “doctor” “martin luther” King. The “reverend” Jesse Jackson. The “reverend” Al Sharpton. The “reverend” honkey Barry Lynn. And on and on, all preaching strange gospels – to each of whom a mere salutation of “Mister” would amply suffice.
I don’t understand this. He is contesting everything about Dr. King including his name. Does he not realize that that really was Dr. King’s name? Also, if you are going to use awful racist language, please spellcheck. A sloppy bigot is loved by no one.
Our author goes on to rewrite the bible quotations to make sure we know that the verses they are using are about the gays, or as they are loving called here: “homogays.”
I Corinthians 6:18 Shun [homogay and other] immorality. Every other sin which a man commits is outside the body; but the [effeminate/sodomite] immoral man sins against his own body.
Great! I didn’t realize I was supposed to choose between being effeminate and being a sodomite. I never get the right answers to these stupid morality games…
Not all people of faith are homophobes though, and some homogays even considered themselves to be very spiritual. It is when religious doctrines and teachings are used to misinform and distort reality we run into problems. Maggie Gallagher, formerly of the National Organization for Marriage, loves to talk about herself as the savior of traditional marriage and she often uses religion as her battering ram. I was quite amused yesterday when Adam sent me the clip below. I think I might just like this St. Peter guy.
In my own warped world, I like to imagine that everyone is a big, happy homogay until proven otherwise. Today, let’s anal-ize America’s favorite freak show family of retro homo-superiors: The Brady Bunch!
